Sexless but not loveless relationship...

[MegF49]

Me and my bf have been together almost three years, we're both only 25 years old
and have lived together for about 2 years. A year ago I noticed our sex life took a plunge but put it down to bf getting a new job and a few others personal things that happened. Fast forward a year and we've went from having sex almost every day or night to having sex one a month if I'm lucky! The longest we went was 11 weeks until I said to him I was miserable and felt lonely and he promised things would change and to let him work on it. The next night we had great sex but then that was it again, were now currently sitting at 3 weeks 1 day with no sex. I've tried to talk to him about this about 6/7 times, I've tried the sympathetic route and the angry and upset route, I've told him how I feel like room mates and not partners, it's making me doubt our future, I've tried every way of discussing a touchy subject and I see no light at the end of the tunnel. His excuses are always that he's too tired (he does work very long shifts and has a physical job) or he feels like we've not got enough time, when we lived with my mum and dad the excuses were I don't want to have sex when they could hear us so I expected things to change in our own flat but it's actually got worse! He then said the other week maybe he's just lost his sex drive! Why didn't he say this to me before the list of fake excuses then! I suggested going to the doctors and he got very defensive and said no, not for that. This is where it gets confusing, most people would say just leave but he's still caring and loving, he constantly tells me how much he adores me and is always wanting to spend time together and go on date nights. He brings me home flowers, always shows appreciation when I do things for him and still talks sexually to me during the day he'll say something that suggests he wants to have sex later or he'll squeeze my bum when walking past me. So I don't understand how we can have a great relationship and be touchy feely with each other but as soon as we step foot in the bedroom it's ice cold. What do I do and how do we fix this? I fall asleep crying some nights by how rejected I feel.

Does he get morning wood/glory?? If so, then his problems are likely to be psychological not physical. If physically he never now feels aroused then he should see a GP as ED can be a sign of other illnesses.

There is something he is not telling you and is unlikely too I think. Perhaps, you hit the mail on the head about seeing you more as a sister or just that the lust has gone out of the relationship on his part but the situation in the cosy flat suits him.

Are you doing the cooking and cleaning etc - the housekeeper/mother role in your flat? Whatever is up it sounds like he doesn't want to address it and work on your relationship or be honest with you. He is probably that things stay sweet if he can just put you off with an excuse now and then until his next step becomes clear.

You are only 25 and don't have DC yet - having to practically beg for sex and have the lack of it wear down your self esteem is no way to live.

I would seriously be moving on from this relationship - you deserve better.

I would say most morning he does, I think it is something emotionally that's stopping us being intimate.
We share most tasks in the house but I would say I do the majority of the cooking/cleaning especially when he's working late. I have took a step back from doing as much because I was afraid I was turning more in to a mother figure to be honest!
Thank you for your message.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

I would also consider moving on from this relationship; this is your life with him going forward otherwise and this is no life for you. Your love for him now will soon likely turn into resentment if it is not already.

He seems very selfish also in that he does not want to discuss this problem with a GP (who has seen all of this before) but expects you to carry the can and feel rejected as a result. I do not think this is any reflection on you as a person in any way, this is about him and his problems with intimacy which are very real and will therefore not go away of their own accord.

You mentioned your DP works long hours.

Maybe a good workout/session at weekends could work out for the both of you

I think that you may well have hit the nail on the head with the mother-figure comment.

If you don't resolve this now, you're setting yourself up for years of frustration and resentment.

You're young, and should be having fun - not worrying about your partner's lack of sex drive (and blaming yourself for it).

You aren't alone, I'm in exactly the same situation. I've been with my OH for almost 9 years and I cannot remember the last time we had sex. I'm early 30s too. We've had talk after talk after talk, and 'trial' periods (e.g. "If, by the end of a month, things are still no better, we'll break up") when sex happens once, and then never again... and I STILL don't feel satisfied, because I know it was a one time 'effort' on their part and they're not actually WANTING it.

Sex shouldn't be an effort. I know things always cool down after the initial honeymoon period where you can't keep your hands off each other but god, this is terrible. I used to cry myself to sleep too, but now I feel like I've switched MY sex drive off because I just can't take the rejection.

I've been putting the inevitable off for far too long, and even after I 'self service' out of desperation when OH is out, I feel deeply hollow and alone.

So.. staying just because you love each other isn't always the best plan. I've wasted so much of my life thinking my OH is gonna change, but it's just become more of a wasteland. Feeling like a sister to your OH isn't fun, and I think there's no going back after realising that. Perhaps moving on is the only way forward!

Lido that is really sad. I hope you can find your way forward.

I think when someone is still on the surface behaving in loving/kind ways towards you it can be hard to accept that they are actually being quite emotionally cruel and that by not addressing their intimacy issues are causing you to feel diminished. They are selfish - they want you to be around for them for as long as they want it but are closing their ears to the hurt they are causing you because their own wants come first.

Whatever you do, don't marry him hoping this will change. It won't.

He may have low testosterone levels...but he refuses to see his doctor, so you'll never know.

That kind of shows he isn't taking ypur feelings into account. Decide if this is how you want to live the rest of your relationship with him.

Could he be using porn? Seen it so many times on here, woman replaced by screen for sexual needs.

I had a very similar relationship with my ex from my early to mid twenties (we were together for five years). In his case I believe it was due to a severe porn addiction, but the reason wasn’t that relevant in the end as the bottom line was that he: a) didn't want to have sex with me; and b) didn’t want to address the cause.

The comment about feeling like his mother really resonated with me as he was also quite immature and reluctant to pull his weight at home!

I have since left the relationship, which was the right decision, but my self-esteem was and still is in tatters. I went from a very confident, sexual person to someone who feels unattractive nearly constantly and is really anxious about sex.

Most people who have been in this situation will tell you that it is highly unlikely to change, so you have to decide whether you want the rest of your life to be like this.

I've also been there. And then again. My Ex turned out to have a porn addiction too. I would never have suspected it. Apparently, he only did it a few times a week but that was enough for him to mean he didnt need to have sex with me and was completely desensitised to it anyway, so I didnt really turn him on anymore.

Fast forward a few years and Im with a wonderful bloke. He has a lower sex drive than me, quite a bit lower actually. The difference is we talk about it and we both compromise. He knows it upsets me if we go too long and generally, if we ever go over a week or so, he wants it himself anyway.

A similar situation feels very different. I'd rule out porn. Apparently it is incredibly common. ExH's hypnotherapist (as hypnotherapy was the method he chose to try and sort the problem out after we separated) said it was the most common reason for new male clients currently making appointments.

I'd deal with it and tackle it head on.
Speaking from bitter experience and I'm still wondering if I'm doing the right thing by ending a marriage to a lovely kind man but we haven't had sex for 6 years.
Recently met a man and although we haven't done anything it's made me realise I'm sexuality attractive and given me confidence.
The lack of self esteem, inner unhappiness and resentment is awful

Thank you for all of your messages. I feel better knowing I'm not alone, but it's made it clear that my relationship may be at a dead end now. I can't face another talk about our sex life, as it always results in the same resolution "we'll work on it".
I completely sympathise with you Lido, I feel myself starting to switch off my emotions towards sex with him more and more each day.

I don't believe it's anything porn related or even anyone else involved, I honestly think it's just he can't be bothered and doesn't see it as that big of a deal if we go months without being intimate.

I also used to cry myself to sleep but I've switched off from it all. I don't even want to have sex with him as I'd feel it's out of obligation on his side.
I really understand and relate to your post

You're very young to contemplate a sexless/low sex relationship. It won't get better on its own and it sounds like you've tried to improve things. Have one last talk with him. Tell him you love him and you want to make it work, but that you can't do it on your own. Lay it on the line and tell him if things don't change it's the end of the relationship. Good luck.