Family finances

[juliej00ls]

We have been married 18 years 2 young children. I have always managed the finances initially this was because I was the sensible one but over time this feels like deferred responsibility. DH was keen to maintain separate accounts and as the main earner this felt like a good thing. I aid all bills and he paid me each month Now that our earnings are more equitable...only earn about 5K more I can’t buffer us like I did before. He was not always consistent in the amount he paid... would say things like remember the ..... I got for the house. He also had s “going out budget????” To try to get him to engage and also to achieve a more realistic overview of outgoings I have set up a joint account and one credit card. Despite constant requests he refuses to activate his online log in for these accounts. I’m at my wits end to get him to engage fully with money. In his defence he is a lot more frugal and now pays a fixed amount however how on earth can any adult ignore family finances so completely?

My ex husband did, and still controlled all the finances whilst I got a 'housekeeping' allowance. I was a SAHM and eventually found out that we had about £60,000 of debt which I was eligible to pay half of. I divorced him and ended up with virtually nothing despite years of paying mortgages and being careful. I would feel stupid about it but I'm now just glad to be free of him and his terrible approach to money.

It depends on how involved you want him to be I suppose. My DH has no interest in the mechanics and can't be arsed to monitor the joint account. However, he transfers whatever I tell him to instantly, asks about savings balances and upcoming spending etc so not totally uninterested or uninvolved and this works for us.

What would you get out of him being more involved if he contributes fairly? Or does he put in a fixed amt and leave it there and there's no flex.

We have equal surplus btw, I earn about 2/3 of what he does as I'm PT. just started mat leave and we'll carry on the same way:

If I were dishonest I could easily tell him I needed more than I did but I'm not like that. All finances are tracked on a spreadsheet he can access whenever he wants to.

After 12 years married I opened a joint acc last year so all household bills inc carvtaxes petrol insurance and food shopping as well as all the usual could come out of one pot.
We both pay in an amount each from salaries each month to cover it all and whatever we have left from salaries is our own individual cash.
Anything extra like dc things we pay half each for from personal.
Seems to have worked the last year although dh has a broad sense of being involved
Never checks the joint account wouldn't have a clue what goes out but is always skint two weeks before pay day because he's so crap with money.

Quite happy to ask me if he can use my card to buy stuff and says hel transfer it back on payday yet this month I've asked for it back as it hasn't been transferred and he seeems to think it's my fault and why should he pay it back as it would be nice to not have to!!!!!even though he says that when he asks to borrow it!!

Doesn't matter that I gave him a fair amount of cash as I'd gained abit extra over Xmas to treat himself with,or that our outings and meals out over Xmas were paid for by my extra cash.

Told him from now on not to ask me to sub him ever again before pay day as the answer will be no and it's sad that he feels it's acceptable to be so irresponsible and blame everyone else.

Money always seems to cause friction with friends and their husbands and it's normally because the husbands are over spending or not being actively involved in it all.

You are probably more measured than I'm feeling. We've had a difficult time money wise but thanks to a few things working in our favour should be ok soon. I have taken absolutely control so I think moving forward things should improve.....no surprises. I just get very frustrated which looking how you describe your arrangements maybe unjustified.

Julie I feel your frustration trust me.

One of the main reasons I set up the joint account and made him be responsible for transferring his share in from his personal is because the bills used to come from my account and I would ask him to transfer an amount in each month but it got to the stage that he messed around and would question me all the time on why he had to put x amount in etc so I got so pissed off I changed how it worked.

It's worked much better this way round but the borrowing from my personal account on his part is starting to take the piss eapecially when now all of a sudden it's expected.
I don't get a nice would it be ok if I used your card and paid it back please,more of a
Can I use your card and il give it back but not with an asking tone more an expected tone

He used to do it to his mum aswell.
I brought that up last night just to remind him it's not me with money issues.
If it wasn't for me our finances would be a mess and we would be bloody bankrupt by now.
He always has had a need to have everything all the time and he can't wait.
Not a problem now he has personal spends but becomes a problem when he borrows for two weeks before payday then has to pay out before he's started the bloody month and then gets assy about it.
It's a vicious circle so I've told him now that I will no longer be subbing him at all and any purchases that need to be made for anything like for dc etc will only be made when we both have the money in our accounts there and then.

Am bloody sick of it to be honest.

He owed his mum some cash and transferred it to our joint account and then moaned at me as I forgot to transfer it to his mum!!!
Told him he has the bloody app so why can't he transfer it himself. Not his bloody pa.

He also got a fine a while back for not sending off some paperwork which I didn't do because it was something (the only thing)connected to him and nothing to do with me.
I reminded him twice and then left it and lo and behold he got a fine.

Told him it served him right and he can't get annoyed about it as it's his own fault.
Some men never grow up and take responsibility op.
I'm really beginning to realise mines one of ten right now.

I run the home,the finances,the dc school stuff,schedules,Home calendar and a business full time.
I also know all our finances inside out so it's sometimes like having another person to be responsible for.not a partner that's meant to be on the same level

Don't know what to suggest op as up until now my plan was working but seems to be not so at the moment.