I don’t know if my marriage has a future (sex related)

[Mucca]

I need some advice as to whether my marriage has a future or not.

Have been with DH 8 years and married for 5 years, 2 DC. Our sex life has never been amazing and if I’m completely honest although I think he’s attractive I’ve never really looked at him and wanted to rip his clothes off. However in all other respects our relationship has been fab - get on really well, loads in common, love spending time together and he’s a great guy and everything I wanted in a partner. I decided that I loved him and the ‘everything else’ was worth staying with him for, especially as most couples’ sex lives settle down after a while and it becomes less important.

However our sex life is now causing issues. We used to dtd about once a week but that has diminished to fortnightly and to be honest even then I would avoid it if I could. If it’s a night that I know it’s going to happen I actually dread going to bed.

We’ve got very different sex drives and earlier in our relationship I would make the effort to do it more often than I wanted and try to enjoy it but now I’m so much more tired and we’ve been going through a bit of a rocky patch and I can’t pretend any more.

So now sometimes I’ll push him away and sometimes he’s ok but other times he’ll get annoyed. Sometimes if we do have sex when I’m not really in the mood I think to myself that I can’t continue like this for the rest of my life.

I really don’t know what to do, whether there is any hope to recover things or whether my marriage is doomed. Would gratefully receive any advice.

Hi there- sorry to hear things are so tough for you. How is the balance of your marriage? If the sex was fixed, would you still be happy with him?

How old are your DC?

Why are people so fixated on sex? It's not the most important thing in a marriage. My DH has never had much of a sex drive, neither have I, but we still managed to have two DDs (now teenagers).
I'm always the one initiating and if we are lucky we have it once a month.
But that's enough for us because everything else is secure and good in our relationship.
Maybe you need to 'spark' things up and watch porn together?
It's normal to 'go off' sex as you get older. But everyone is different.
Don't throw away a good marriage only because of a lack luster sex life. Get a rabbit!

It sounds like you don't like him very much at the moment, why is that? IME the more you like someone and feel that they like and respect you back, you feel more inclined to have sex with them.

I really don't see how watching women being sexually exploited would help your relationship issues, so watching porn sounds like an odd fix for this

You have always had a low sex drive in comparison to your DH but you had sex more early on in your relationship so he wasn't aware of this.
I don't think this is a problem that can be fixed this is a classic case of a mismatch.

Well have you tried talking to him about it?
that should always be the number one thing to do. Who knows I hope you are able to sort something out.

Sorry I wasn’t meaning to drip feed but when I say rocky patch, he has actually had an affair and that is what has brought things to a head. I don’t blame myself for that but I think it has happened because of this issue. Things were rocky before the affair because we spent very little quality time together.

DC are aged 3 and 5.

PoisonousSmurf I agree with you and I was really happy with our relationship and thought it didn’t matter but now he’s had an affair I guess it does matter to him.

Well you are hardly going to feel rampant post affair for a very very good while, unless it’s a desperate to keep them measure and he should be well aware of that

Yetmorecrap agreed but I felt this way before the affair. Things didn’t feel good between us at the time and there was resentment on both sides.

I should add the affair was short lived, is now over and he wants us to rebuild things.

The affair and all the hurt and betrayal aside, I don’t know if it’s possible to rebuild things when things had reached such a low point in our sex lives, which was a culmination of it having never been brilliant but gradually deteriorating due to other pressures in the relationship.

I am by the way in an identical situation Mucca, including an emotional affair (but from a long time ago) and I am never keen on sex beyond first 2 years, been married now22 years , and it’s the same issue with us, causes same friction etc

He also thinks that he can’t live the rest of his life in a marriage to someone who never wanted him.

It’s time to talk about option. There’s only a few.

1. Open the marriage up so you both can look for intimate relationships outside of the marriage

1. Divorce; at least you’ll both be happy. Kids maybe not so much

Good grief I'm not surprised you don't want sex! I couldn't get over that, I really couldn't - how dare he get annoyed when you don't want it after what he did! If you really want to stay with him I think you would have to go to couples therapy.

When you do have sex, is it satisfying for you? Is your dh a considerate & skilled lover? If it is not satisfying now, was it ever? Perhaps you don’t want to have sex with your dh because it’s not up to much? Perhaps because you are sad and angry about his affair? Perhaps you are just tired? It’s probably more than one of these but your dh needs to take responsibility for this too. Has he tried to look at this from your point of view? Why does he think that you should want to have sex with him?

OP I was in a similar situation in a ltr. My DP wanted sex more than me and I went completely off it to the point that we barely had sex in the last 4 years of our 6 yr relationship. To be honest I hated our first kiss, he was a terrible kisser, but I told myself sex wasn't everything. As the years went on I thought that I didn't want sex because I was depressed, on medication, tired, resentful that I did most of the housework, etc.

In the end I kissed someone else and realised that I did still have a sex drive, I just didn't fancy my partner sexually so I ended things.

This might not be the case with you.

I'm a bit obsessed with Esther Perel at the moment and am pushing her books onto anyone who'll listen! - but I really relate to most of her views
www.estherperel.com/

Her book 'Mating in Captivity' is very good

www.amazon.co.uk/Mating-Captivity-Esther-Perel/dp/0340943750/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&tag=mumsnetforum-21&qid&sr

Wow an affair would be an absolute deal breaker for me! (I’ve actually been divorced twice and wouldn’t put up with a lot of the things I read in the posts here, I am now happily married and have been for nearly 8 years now but I certainly wouldn’t forgive an affair)! It is completely understandable that you don’t want to have sex with him. He has completely broken your trust in him.

Sorry I don’t think I explained the situation very well. Yes he has now had an affair but I felt this way before that happened. The fact he’s had an affair has brought things to a head as I need to decide whether to try and reconcile or not, but I’m wondering if due to the problems we had with me not wanting sex that it’s a foregone conclusion.

Bixg that sound very similar to our situation. I was always making excuses (prior to the affair).

GetOff, I think my DH was relatively inexperienced when we got together - although he’d slept with quite a few people he hadn’t had a proper long term relationship. I think that is a factor though I should have been showing/ teaching him what to do but I haven’t done that as much as I should have done.