Why isn't this easy? - relationship finished - so hard to be nice.

[rizlett]

I'm just a muddle of emotions and finding it difficult to work through them but I guess feelings are tricky sometimes.

My partner and I split last year after 4 years together - it had been difficult - I found his self containment hard to deal with. He finds my feelings difficult to cope with.

We had bought and were living in a house abroad so when he decided he didn't want to continue any more I decided to leave and get a job back in the UK - luckily my mum had room for me to stay.

I missed making my exp laugh and we kept in contact via email. I held out hope he'd miss me and we'd get back together because I know in relationships you have times when you feel real close and times when you don't but if you both want to work at it you can make it work.

After 7 months I completely gave up this idea and believed we were done but I went to stay as a holiday - the house still hasn't sold and I missed the beauty of the country. He was completely different, totally into me and said he wanted to try again. His commitment was so great that he even said once the house was sold we could move to the part of the UK that I wanted to be in. This was a major thing because he doesn't do anything he doesn't want to do. Whereas I am more of a people pleaser who is learning that I don't want to be like that any more. This is part of what I found fascinating in him.

I know people often can't sustain change long term but I really believed that if we slipped back to our old ways we'd do something to work it out and I moved back 3 months later. I know he needs a lot of solitude - he's lived alone for 18 years before he met me and I am careful to give him space. I used to feel special that I was the one that he could happily live with.

After a while he reverted back to doing his things - reading, music etc all day with us having little interaction apart from watching a movie together at night and going out for dinner a couple of times a month. He's never been all that interested in anything I do. He's never expected me to do anything for him though and we never had any issues around the house apart from him being a bit more untidy than me.

I like to talk to resolve issues - he prefers not to and I find this distressing. As a child I was almost taken into care and was sent to my Aunts house instead where I felt unwanted. This is how I often felt in this relationship and he's previously said it's not his job to make me feel wanted. I do get this but of course the child in me wants to be helped sometimes. I've worked really hard to grow up emotionally over many years, and even more over the 5 years we have been together.

In November he said he doesn't want to be together anymore. He's changed his mind which of course he has every right to do. I am so frustrated with this but trying so hard to accept it and be nice.

I drive him mad I know wanting to know why even though I know that's very unhelpful. He won't try counselling as there is 'nothing to gain' from it. I love our house but am happy to sell it but we could be like this for a while as its a quiet market.

I am looking and applying for jobs in the UK and places to rent but my main struggle is how to cope with the rejection. I know it's ridiculous - I've had numerous relationships including a bad ending of a very controlling marriage. I just seem to feel so bloody sorry for myself. It's pitiful. I want to be brave and strong.

I can deal with it really well at times - yesterday I made him laugh lots and that felt good but then at bedtime I got upset. He just ignores me - he's pretty much always ignored my crying. Which is right I suppose given that he doesn't want to be here anymore.

So I thought perhaps it would help to get all my cr*p out on mn - sorry guys! I don't want to accept it's over even though I know we are not right for each other. I don't understand why this is given that I am adept at moving on and am very happy living on my own. I'm not worried about needing to be in a relationship. At least this time I am not distraught at leaving this country - I want to return to UK and I've detached from him once before so it doesn't make sense why this time it's more painful and difficult.

Why is it so important to you to try to stay nice? It's OK to be resentful and angry and have negative emotions about what's happened, tbh you should be feeling those things, he's messed you around hugely.

When you're gone, this time don't stay in touch, close the door completely. Deal with the financial stuff only or do it through a solicitor. You got sucked back for another go after he dumped you once, don't give that merry-go-round another chance of happening.

Thank you for your response category12. I had already decided not to remain in contact and already stopped following him on fb.

Isn't it right to be nice? I suppose because he isn't keep on emotions I mainly keep them to myself.

He definitely wouldn't want to try again - he knows it isn't right. He says he wants to be on his own and is unlikely to want to live with anyone else again.

*keen!

I don't think so. Your eagerness to please, to want to make him laugh and ingratiate yourself is a bit - sad. You cry, he ignores. He can't be bothered with your emotions. Being civil, sure, while you have to share space, but drop all the ingratiating behaviours.

What I meant to say was you have a dynamic where you feel he's not to be bothered with your emotions. But it's kinda tough luck if you split up with someone and take them back and split up again - there will be difficult emotions.

He doesn't have to deal with them, but you shouldn't be tiptoeing or people-pleasing him either.

So - best just to say I feel angry/sad/whatever without demonstrating the angry. I have done that and he says 'i said sorry once' [its the first time he ever said sorry] and there's nothing to be gained from going over and over it.

Sometimes I just ignore him the same which is fine for a few days but then I start to feel a bit crazy - I'll think of some things to do when it gets like that.

I'm just fighting for something from someone who can't give me what I need and I need to give that to myself. Perhaps it's forgiveness.

I'd make plans to leave, tout suite.

Your whole post is about HIM and what HE wants , what you are doing wrong to HIM , how HE can't live with you ...

Where are YOU in all this ?? You deserve to be happy too and I think he likes to keep you on the side to build him up when he needs some attention .

You need to find YOU again . What do you want from a man and a relationship because it seems like you've forgotten about you and your needs .

I think I realised early on that he isn't a very 'giving' man but he was accepting and I thought I could learn a lot. {I did but there are less painful ways I reckon}

I make a man the focus and work out how to please him - he wanted me back when I was refocused on me {which I can do on my own but not in a relationship where I think too much of the other person} but I've lost how to do that. He never needs attention and it's like I don't see the real him but just the him I feel I've invested in. I need to keep letting go.

I want space to myself and if there is a man around then I want him to be supportive and interested in me but perhaps I am too difficult.

I don't think you are too difficult, op, but I do think that you've answered your own question when you said that you are looking for something from someone who can't give you what you need. This is the reality of the situation - move on now with your head held high.

This is me.... needs not met , it's hard though, to move on. Strength to you op x

Thank you lego - somehow it's very comforting to know that someone else is the same - even though you too deserve to be in a better situation. for you.

I've been concentrating more on myself - listening to meditation and healing the child inside me. I'm making more plans for what to do next and not allowing what I THINK anyone else thinks of me to have an impact.

I’d honestly stop talking to him outside of things like “please pass the butter”. You’re not together and he’s not your friend. You don’t have to spend time making him laugh. Just be civil till you leave/sell the house and then you’re done.