Trying to understand what my parents are at

[BeatyBeast]

I am 46, one of 3 children. I was a trying youth (according to my parents and they may have reason!) However, since my 20's I have been as good a daughter as can be. I married someone they didn't approve of but who is lovely and kind to them (and to me) and we've been married 20 years. I have two fantastic children and while, despite my parents financially supporting me through college, I haven't had a noteworthy career, we do keep our heads above water if only just.

My parents are kind and generous mostly but controlling. My father is an angry man and regularly speaks to me like I am an out of line 12 year old. My mother always backs him up. When I am in favour we all get along well, but I must tow the line and not disagree with them (well, dad really). Over the past couple of years he has exploded illogically at me (and at other relatives but not my siblings). There have been brief periods of distance after these and then we gloss over them and pretend they never happened. Last time this happened was 4 weeks ago. I was mortified and disgusted with my parents for their behaviour, they were rude and ignorant and while my mother would usually ring me every week she hasn't rung me since. I don't ring her because it puts her out and she rushes off the phone. I was so cross at their unreasonable behaviour that I was quite happy to have no contact. However, a couple of days ago dm texted my teenager asking for dh's mobile number. This morning both my parents rang him to say: we just want to know how everyone is, Beaty is not speaking to us for some reason. He hates confrontation so said oh dear, well, everyone is fine.

Now, i feel my dp are saying well, you know Beaty, so silly and imaging things and taking notions and not speaking to us. But I did NOT imagine their recent outburst. If I speak to them about it they will say oh silly you making a mountain out a molehill, you really are so dramatic. But I am not. Is this gaslighting?

I am ridiculously upset by this. Mainly because they will not acknowledge these crazy outbursts and will maintain that I am the over sensitive one. My siblings and husband just want me to put up and shut up because they are my parents (end of argument!).

What should I do? Ring them and be told that I am making a fuss over nothing or continue as I am, i will answer the phone if they ring but will not make the huge effort I always do to drop everything and pay attention as I feel the relationship has been damaged by my father's crazy outbursts which they pretend never happen. They are very superior, he is the smartest, most successful, right about everything type. They will never concede that they have done anything wrong or hurtful. If anything it will be me who is in the wrong. I can live without being told that.

I feel like I am 16 in this situation

Well, I think that all your dh did was to say oh dear, and that yes, you are all fine, in a pouring-oil-over-troubled-waters kind of way. He was probably somewhat wrong-footed and didn't know quite what to say, and I'm sure he wouldn't have intended to undermine you in any way.

My dp has fallen out with a sibling and hasn't spoken to them for some time. I'd be totally taken aback to get a phone call from them and would have no idea how to handle it, so I expect your dh felt much the same.

If you wouldn't put up with a random stranger speaking to you like your parents do, then don't put up with it from them either. Tell yourself "Who do they think they are, speaking to me like that?".

Theres a book called Toxic Parents which you might find helpful. I suspect that, like me, you have not been allowed to have any personal boundaries while growing up. You need to learn how to put these in place now.

By the way, the silent treatment is a form of abuse. My mother has a Master's degree in it :( It's only since I started learning about toxic parents and setting boundaries that I have been able to stop this.
It's kind of been like fighting fire with a controlled form of fire, if that makes any sense!

I find it very hard to cut her off completely, but am so much better at allowing myself to look after my own needs as a priority.

Good luck on your journey, there's lots of helpful information out there.
You also might like to read up on 'flying monkeys', I think you might have a few of those about.

Thanks. I never thought when I was rebelling against them in my teens that not much would have changed 30 years later!

Beaty,

re your comment:-

My parents are kind and generous mostly but controlling. My father is an angry man and regularly speaks to me like I am an out of line 12 year old. My mother always backs him up. When I am in favour we all get along well, but I must tow the line and not disagree with them (well, dad really)"

Controlling parents are abusive parents and they are certainly not kind or generous. Any "generosity" from them is on their terms and further designed to obligate you. Your dad is the main instigator here with your mother being his enabler. She gets what she wants out of this relationship with your rotten dad as well and is just as culpable as him. These people failed you as parents and still do. Many such people also accuse their now adult offspring of supposedly being oversensitive as well.

It is terrible behaviour from your mother to text your teenager as well to ask that person for their dad's mobile number. Your child
needs to block your mother's number because he/she is being manipulated as well.

People from dysfunctional families such as you describe end up playing roles; yours here is one of scapegoat. They have made you responsible for all their inherent ills.

Your H is also wrong here; appeasing them as he has done will do him or you no favours at all. Your parents know as well as you do that he nor you like confrontation.

As for your siblings they do not want to rock the boat with the parents because they would be as singled out as you have. They want to remain favoured. Would certainly read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward as a starting point.

I think you should call them up on their behaviour in a reasonable polite way and see what happens. They only have power and control over you because you don't challenge the status quo. What's the worst that can happen? They go NC with you?

I've found Aged parents need their children more than you need them ,pragmatically because their friends and peers are dying off and they can't manage as well as they use to.

Would you put up with this from a friend, no you would not. Your parents are no different.

It is not your fault your parents are like this, you did not make them that way. Their own families of origin did that to them (what if anything do you know about their own childhoods as that often gives clues).

Silent treatment from your mother is really another form of emotional abuse.

I have parents much like yours, Beaty. They criticise me and bully me and shout at me, but if I dare try to protect myself I am accused of being unkind and unreasonable.

Four or five years ago I called them out. I said I wasn't prepared to have any more contact with them until they'd apologised for the awful things they'd said to me.

I've had numerous abusive emails back from them, denying that they did what they did. My mother has called me cruel. They've not apologised. I've not seen them since and it's been bloody lovely.

Be aware that if you do call them out you might end up like me, having no contact with them. This is not necessarily a bad outcomeit's been very positive for mebut it's something to be aware of.

I think you have to choose. Do you want to carry on putting up with their abuse in order to maintain some sort of relationship with them? Or do you want to show your children that abuse is never acceptable, call your parents out on their behaviour, and risk losing what you have?

I think I would secretly record conversations
make out that you accidentally had your phone on record and then play back what they said to you if they deny it

Or just limit contact with them carefully maintain your boundaries etc etc
One other thing ....your father's recent bad behaviour could it be the early signs of cognitive changes?

It Is hard when our behaviour has followed these patterns for so long but yes I need to move forward and not backward. However I manage to do that.

The thing is: you won’t change them.

It is so, so hard. But they are where they want to be (in control) and you are not. You have to be realistic and protect yourself.

You need to speak frankly to your DH and to your teen. It is important that they do not allow themselves to become part of the manipulation. It is so unhealthy for DC to see this stuff happening in family life and to imagine it is normal.

Beatybeast your father sounds very much like mine. The need for him to have control over me, my mother and my children is strikingly familiar. Ironically I wasn't "the trying" teen, I was the helpful, quiet one, but it's done me no favours. After a series of awful, hurtful comments (and no support for me from my mother) I went no contact. My wayward sister has maintained her golden child status (goodness knows why) but they are welcome to each other. They rarely saw my children before but now at least I know my children won't be hurt by their comments etc My mother refuses to stand up to my father so apart from text messages where she tries to 'guilt trip' me into 'forgive and forget' with my father, I Have very little contact. I actually find it liberating, I have great friends, neighbours and a supportive DH. I think my mother found it hard when she realised that my life was very little affected by going NC, she didn't like the fact that I didn't "need" them. It goes back to the control argument in that me not "needing" them lost their/his ability to control me. They always filled my mind with empty promise (we will make more effort with your children, we will do your garden/decorating etc) but in reality this was my mum making pie in the sky comments to try and make me dependent on them. I'm now looking forward to building my own family unit with my children and their future partners/children etc in a warm, loving environment.

I think I would secretly record conversations
make out that you accidentally had your phone on record and then play back what they said to you if they deny it

If Beaty's parents are anything like mine this won't help at all. All they'll do is be angry at being recorded, and criticise her for that too.

There is no reasoning with abusive parents. There is only boundary-setting and enforcing.

Yes, they would be furious if I recorded them. As they would be if I argued my side. I think firm boundaries are the way to go.

So what if they're Furious just wind them up on purpose, let them explode while you stay calm
I would
what are they going to do ground you?

People who have crazy outbursts use it as a technique to control other people
Everyone is scared of setting them off so they tiptoe around them
He's just an annoying angry old man what's he going to do write you out of the will
so what?

Would you benefit from a session with relate? I think there is an awful lot to unravel here and confrontation with these type of parents is not going to help you feel any better. My advice would be to give yourself some space and go NC whilst you seek outside help. Sounds shit to be frank.

The first thing that stood out to me in your post was your DH response.

What he should have said was 'Beaty is very upset by the way you treated her and spoke to her, you really need to apologies and make things right with her if you want contact with our family again'

His call with them has reinforced the fact that he believes, like them, that you are being really silly about nothing.

I have a very similar parent.

Two things helped at the time:

Directly challenging his authority over me - using language that he would understand. He was being threatening over the phone and I directly laughed at the idea said: ‘What are you going to do - hit me? I’m over 30 and married. As far as I am concerned, the only person I am answerable to is my husband.’ He is the original sexist, so struggled to form any words in response!

A very strong-willed DH who was not afraid to grab the phone and tell him to ‘fuck off’ when he was abusing me over the phone. Funnily enough, he has since referred to DH as a ‘fine young man’ at every opportunity!

Until you fight fire with fire, you will continue to get scorched.

He has mellowed with age, but I am still very cautious to make sure that I have an ‘exit’ plan from any interaction.