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Original poster

Full time working mum socialising?

21 replies

AmyABC · 02/02/2018 20:59

I’m a full time working mum, run my own business and have two gorgeous children under 10. I get home after driving around, chatting to people and sitting in front of my computer after a long day at work and just want to curl up with a nice book. My husband thinks that wives / mothers should be socialising and that I’m wierd because I don’t want to go out with other mums and make friends etc. Apparently it’s the way to get to know people in the community. Is this the role of a mother / wife? I’m beginning to feel like a complete freak for not wanting to!

OP posts:

Olivo · 02/02/2018 21:00

I'm the same of you, but luckily, so is DH! Totally shattered any the end of the week. Bottle of wine between us, some tv or MN! Maybe I'm odd too!

PancakeInMaBelly · 02/02/2018 21:02

Has he got extensive experience of being a mother? Since he's so full of advise about what it entails?

Thistlebelle · 02/02/2018 21:03

Erm.

Whether you socialise or not is nothing to do with whether you are a Mum or whether you work full time.

If you don’t want to see friends or go out that’s fine, entirely up to you. It’s not that unusual.

Perhaps your DH feels that a break away from work (of both kinds) would be good for you though, and is trying to encourage that? That’s not a bad thing.

lizkt · 02/02/2018 21:04

Why is he so bothered?

BestZebbie · 02/02/2018 21:08

It's healthy to maintain a few friendships outside your DH, but certainly not compulsory to make the parents of your children's peers into an active social group who regularly go out together.
The children are the friends, not the adults. Does he think you need to network to gain some sort of social advantage for the children?

BackforGood · 02/02/2018 21:12

I agree with Thistlebelle

For me I needed a space when I was just 'me' - not "dcs' Mum", not "Mrs work title", but just "Back", and for that, even when the dc were small and I was working all the hours I could and was knackered, it was really important to protect that little bit of time each week or fortnight. Maybe your dh is like that and is checking you don't want it too?
If you don't, then that is your choice, but there are qquite a lot who do the martyr bit, and don't ever join something or go out to something just for themselves.

You also get tons of threads on here from people who say they don't have any friends.......

Original poster

AmyABC · 02/02/2018 21:13

He’s bothered because he thinks that the woman should get to know other mums and that will lead to couples socialising, because we don’t socialise enough for him. His mum has always been a very sociable coffee morning / drinks evening type of mum and that’s the way he sees it. Its not natural for me not to want to go out apparently! Thanks though for your replies. It’s nice that there are other people who understand / agree! x

OP posts:

lizkt · 02/02/2018 21:17

Ah right, that makes sense. So he has some ideas about how things 'should' be.

DryIce · 02/02/2018 21:22

Sounds like you have more than enough on your plate without organising his social life for him!

JassyRadlett · 02/02/2018 21:23

My husband thinks that wives / mothers should be socialising

What’s his view on the role of husbands/fathers?

He’s bothered because he thinks that the woman should get to know other mums and that will lead to couples socialising

He wants to socialise more, but wants you to do all the work of forming relationships with people for him to socialise with? Seriously?

My DH has managed to form some great friendships with other fathers at school and nursery. All by himself. Having a Y chromosome doesn’t seem to have been an impediment.

Rosielily · 02/02/2018 21:26

Did his mum work the hours you do?

SweetChickadee · 02/02/2018 21:26

If he wants more friends he can find them himself,

Lovelyusername · 02/02/2018 21:27

He sounds like a nob. So you should be a full time mum, work full time, probably do full time house organisational AND run a full time social calender.

Coz his mum did.

Hmmmmm a) tell him to make Friends, invite them round and cook them dinner, then it’ll be your turn.
B) kick his arse to the kerb as who needs a husband who makes them feel bad? Like what is he bringing to the party?

AnyFucker · 02/02/2018 21:28

Your husband sounds like a twat

Thistlebelle · 02/02/2018 21:29

We do indeed have some couple friends because I made friends with the female partner.

But we have just as many couple friends because my DH made friends with the male partner.

It works both ways.

This isn’t presumably a new problem though OP? Has he always been more social than you?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/02/2018 21:36

Make him join a club with the other dads then he will make friends and he can invite them and their partners round for a cheese and wine party. Why should that be your job. Dads socialise too. Well, they do at my children's schools.

mindutopia · 03/02/2018 06:30

I think it's normal to socialise, at least occasionally. But I don't like go out and do it with the other 'mums'. My dh used to ocassionally suggest that I do to make more local mum friends (when our dd was a baby I had several close mum friends through NCT, but we never went out in the evenings really because, well, we were busy and tired, and once we went back to work, our schedules conflicted). But I told him that was as ridiculous as him going and finding 'dad friends' amongst random other dads at our dd's nursery. Of course, he doesn't want to go out for drinks with random other dads. No more so than I want to befriend random other mums. We've had our friends we've always had, mostly from uni, and we see them occasionally, but the reality is people don't live as close anymore, we're all busy, we have kids, some of us work evenings and weekends. So we get together a few times a year, but no more than that. Beyond that, most of the people I'm closest to I meet through work as we have a lot more in common than just having pushed a baby through our vagina. I don't find I have much to say to other 'mums' because we never seem to have much in common.

That said, I don't feel the need to socialise as much as my dh does. A few times a year and I'm quite happy as I'm more of a homebody, whereas he would probably prefer it's closer to a few times a month. But he has his own friends, including those who are our mutual friends, and when there is time and he wants to see them, and I'm available to stay at home, he'll go off and see them for the night. But it's not my job to manage his social calendar, nor is it yours.

100YearsOfVote · 03/02/2018 08:16

He wants you to make more friends so he can make more friends

And he's wrapping it up in a nice "woman's work" package for you.

Spectacular dick! (And not in a good way)

category12 · 03/02/2018 09:11

If he wants to socialise more, he should make the effort to make friends and organise social events, not expect you to do it for him. What a prick.

SandyY2K · 03/02/2018 09:19

I think he misses a social life and wants you to be responsible for it.

If all the mums I chatted to and socialised with when my DC were in primary school....none turned into couples socialising.

Do you do things as a couple socially?

I do think it's healthy to have a life outside of the home...but it doesn't sound like that's what he's saying.

Shesipsacocacola · 03/02/2018 13:13

I'm a full time working mum with an extremely demanding career ,sometimes working 80 plus hours per week.
If I didn't go out with my friends a couple of times a month I would crack the fuck up.
Ex DP had a huge problem with this and yet no problem at all living off my wages, doing a shite job of being a stay at home Dad and smoking weed every night. So I ditched him eventually.
Point being that whether you like to socialise or not, as a busy working mother it's up to you. It's certainly not right for him to dictate how you spend your spare time.

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