How to manage my own particular weak/ soft/ insecure points

[FishGee]

I'm a divorced mum of 3 boys (divorced 2 years) - exdh and I have tried to manage it the best way we could and the DC are happy kids. And we are as friendly as we can be in the circs.

I'm good in my career though it doesn't pay a fortune.

But I feel that I have 'tender' points, which I take to heart. It could be my exdh having a bad day when he drops off the kids; or my parents off loading to me about each other (married for 60 years but still angry that they're not the person they'd wished they'd married ) They were very angry/ abusives parent growing up and have mellowed since they need me more/ I got divorced - they live down the road); or I feel my friends are f-d off with me (they're all married) and any off-day or crappy period that they have spills on to me.

I know this is something to do as much with other people'slives, as it is to do with me and my feelings about myself (I've had some counselling when divorce was happening!) but I'm feeling very lonely just now and don't know what to do. It all feels a bit of a head fuck to extrapolate my own feelings about those closest to me, what others think of me and how to feel OK about myself.

All of my friends are having crap times at the moment - I know it's part of being middle aged - but I feel particularly isolated at the moment because they're all married and I'm not (I know single people through my job but not in my home village). But I know they're seeing each other in couply things that I'm not invited to. And I feel dumped on because I'm the singleton so people are both piteous and envious.

I'm not trying to be a narcissist but trying to get a grip! Can anyone help me get some perspective on this situation?

I think what you're feeling is pretty normal. Some days / weeks one can feel giving and caring and I'm sure you do a lot for others. Some days / weeks one can feel what about me and feel self pitying. Don't be so hard on yourself.

It's perfectly ok to expect that some of the time it is all about you. You've had experiences that have left you With certain behaviours and thoughts and feelings to process and you need to resolve all that for your own benefit.

If you are feeling isolated do you feel you can admit it to someone IRL?

Thank you Itsalottery and Isthisreallife.

I think because my friends helped me when I was going through the divorce, I don't like to go on about my stuff anymore. From stuff going really bad in my marriage to being finally divorced the whole process took about 4 years and I think that's a long time for friends (though I tried to spread it about a bit so I wasn't just dumping on one person sounds awful, doesn't it) to have someone being teary or self-obsessed each time you see them. That's part of why I feel isolated now I think because I don't feel I can admit it to anyone IRL.

But both your responses made me feel heard, so thank you so much for that.

I'm a bit fluey at the moment so perahps that's not helping my mood.

And because I'm so rural I only get reliable internet during daylight hours so that's probably contributing to my sense of isolation - M/net keeps timing out as well!

Thanks again x

Totally relate to the people being pitious/envious at the same time- I’ve had people telling me how ‘lucky’ I am to have a weekend off from the kids when my exH has them. I’ve also had people whinging about their relationships to me, not quite grasping how lucky they are to have a partner at home. And totally relate to being left out of ‘couple’ events, it can be quite hurtful.

I think you can only give as much as you can, don’t be afraid to say no or take some time out for yourself sometime. Also, are you dating again? I have a new partner now who is in a similar situation to me and he is a great sounding board for this kind of thing!

If you had angry abusive parents it will have had a big effect on your temperament and leave scars. Can you afford to go to counselling, That would be the best thing to unravel your feelings and help you find a new and happy you.

Have you thought about writing it down/journalling?

Therapy therapy therapy
Then you don’t feel so shit about offloading to friends and nothing that has happened in your life or is happening in your life is invalid.

Sometimes it’s jist good to have an outsider to talk to. Sometimes you might not have anything to say.