He wants to split up

[UnimaginativeUsername]

I’m not sure what I want from this thread really. Possibly just somewhere anonymous to help me sort out my thoughts.

On Wednesday, my partner of a decade told me he wanted to split up. It wasn’t a surprise really. It hasn’t been a relationship for as long as I can remember. But I’m still devastated - I think more because I don’t want to disrupt DS2’s life (DS1 on the other hand will presumably be glad to see the back of P). P doesn’t want to tell the kids until we’ve decided what we’re actually going to do so there isn’t any ambiguity, which is fair enough, so I’m in a kind of holding pattern at the moment.

I’m just feeling totally overwhelmed. I’m off work anyway (due to stress, because work is absolutely shit with no possibility if escape). I’ve started taking citalopram, and I had been starting to feel slightly better but this has made everything worse. Thing is, I haven’t actually told P that I’ve been signed off work or about the antidepressants. As is symptomatic of the awfulness of this relationship, I couldn’t tell him because doing that would be worse than not telling him. I had been struggling at work for weeks and my manager had to force me to get signed off. But (as I explained to her) I couldn’t let P know about it. He’s not violent or anything, it’s just that I can’t trust him with problems or issues because he goes into catastophising mode and then later any admission of weakness of problems comes back to bite me in the arse. He’s got OCD and is quite controlling, so I feel like I have no margin for error (and I really need one because I fuck up all the time).

We will have to sell the house because neither of us can afford to buy the other out (or even to run it on our own). We had a dismal conversation about this last night. It’s obvious that (as usual) he hasn’t actually thought through any of the practicalities. I think he assumed that I’d simply be able to keep going with all this and he’d move out to ‘make a life for himself’. (There’s backstory, which I’ll probably get around to at some point). He seemed to think I could just ask my (retired) mum and stepdad to just magic up the money that would make it affordable for me to stay.

I’ve been looking at what I can reasonably afford myself. I need to stay in a more expensive area of the city where DS2 goes to school and near a train station so DS1 can get to college, and I can get to work. So I can basically afford an ex-LA mid terrace near DS2’s school. Obviously there’s nothing wrong with that at all (and it’s a perfectly nice area), but P is a dreadful bloody snob and looked horrified. He started saying that it’s my choice to make but I could move further out and drive DS to school (we currently have to do this, because we moved 18 months ago to suit him). But that’s impractical for all sorts of reasons, not least that there isn’t enough time in the morning for me to commute through awful traffic to drop DS2 at school and then get myself to work, and any of the places where it wouldn’t involve me double backing through nightmare traffic aren’t accessible for the public transport DS1 needs to get to college. Also, if I have to disrupt the kids, I want them to at least move so that they’re close to their friends and DS2 can walk to school. (That’s not the sort of thing P would bother to think about though).

For my part, I just don’t want all the difficulty of moving again. The kids are fed up with moving house too, but thats just how it’ll have to be. And I’m really resentful that P insisted that we move to this big house, and that we do lots of work to make it how we want it. We just got a (really lovely) new kitchen in October and we’re in the middle of sorting out the downstairs loo (at his insistence). I resent being asked to make all these choices (and it’s hard to make choices with P) to get things the way I want, just to be told actually he’s decided that now he wants to go off and do his own thing (I’m assuming he’s met someone he wants to shag tbh). I’m especially annoyed as we had a conversation before all the bloody kitchen remodelling shit about the state of our relationship and he insisted that he was in it for the long haul. I’m absolutely aware that this is all very silly really (given that I realise that the relationship is not good anyway), but I still feel resentful about it.

I’m also resentful that my career is utterly fucked and I’m backed into this regional corner of the UK and stuck. We moved here to facilitate his career, and move got screwed over with long distance commuting (that made me very ill) and then having to take an utterly shitty job that I knew was a career dead end just because it was local. And I can’t change careers because there’s nothing in this city that isn’t a big pay cut without years of retraining and then experience on top. All the while, his career has gone from strength to strength and he’s got plenty of promotion prospects and such like. It doesn’t help that we have the same qualifications and career - nor that his career is so fucking wonderful because of my support, the sacrifices I make (who do you think stays at home while he’s away doing things that raise his profile and make his CV look good? Who takes time off when the kids are ill? Etc), and also because I taught him to bloody write, spent days proofreading and sorting the grammar in his publications (including catching a big problem in his latest book and helping him to fix it). I’m angry at myself for putting him first, and I’m angry at him for never recognising that he’s basically your stereotypical successful male academic with a woman who’s screwed over her own career in favour of his.

Yeah. That’s probably quite long enough. As I said, I’m not sure what I’m trying to achieve here.

Sorry to hear this OP, to be honest your soon to be exP's snobbery is irrelevant. It is not up to him to dictate where you and your children live and to even suggest how you should move further away and drive is ridiculous. If he wishes you to remain in your current house then he will have to help facilitate this financially, if he isn't prepared to do this then he needs to wind his neck in. The arrogance of him just expecting your family to step in financially clearly shows him to be totally self centred.

Take time to absorb the shock and don't be pressured into making any big decisions quickly.

Well, if it's not been a relationship for years, one dc will be glad to see your P go, and you're so depressed that you've been signed off work but you can't tell your P about it because he's controlling (where odes he thin you go all day?), then it sounds like it's well past time to call time on the relationship and let each other go.

You might be a lot happier without him, and then other work and life things might seem easier to deal with.

As for where you live, that has nothing to do with your P if you are splitting up. Sort out where you want to live. And get him to pay CM. Sounds like he can afford it.

I really think you'd benefit from talking to a counsellor.

There are lots of things you're dealing with.... your work situation , the relationship, affordability of staying in your home/possibly having to move home.

It's a lot to navigate...and maybe you need to focus on one thing or prioritise what you're going to tackle in what order.

I was just thinking that if you were married...as part of the settlement he'd probably have to pay spousal support that may enable you to stay in the house...till the DC are older.

My DB is divorced and he pays the entire mortgage..and will do until the youngest is 18. I know that's not the norm... but some settle where a certain percentage is paid towards the mortgage.

There's a lot going on...so you need to look after yourself and see it as looking to the future... so your DC can see what healthy relationships look like and not normalise your situation.

Thanks sassy. I know his snobbery is irrelevant. I think he realises that he needs to wind his neck in, the problem is I’ve become so accustomed to putting what he wants first that it’s hard to stop doing it. But I definitely need to stop doing it.

I think I’m actually upset over the loss of the fiction that I had someone that cared about me and was on my side. I haven’t had that for a very long time, but splitting up makes that harder to ignore and pretend otherwise.

Consider being excited about this?

You have your boys
You have a job
You have a home
An escape from your unhappy relationship
The prospect of Child maintenance
You may be able to get tax credits

You may in the future meet someone exciting? Fall in love again?

He doesn't get to say he wants to split up but still get to have everything done his way. Point that out to him. I agree with Quite - look at the positives this will bring you now. A new life!

There’d be no spousal maintenance. He only earns slightly more than me at the moment (but mine is unlikely ever to go up, and his ill). In fact, up until last year (when he got promoted) I always earned more than him. I don’t think it’s coincidental that he’s waited until he’s in the better financial position and no longer ‘needs’ me in that way.

In any case, we both have perfectly good salaries, and I work FT. My mum (who went through an awful divorce when I was a teenager) instilled into me the need to be able to support myself. So while I have fucked up a career, I do still have a job that pays well (even if I utterly hate it).

There’s equity in the house and no one will be destitute. It’s just that housing is expensive. Actually, I think the biggest thing is actually the upheaval. I’ve been a single parent before (and I really was skint at that point - I met P just at the point that I’d managed to get myself a job that paid well) and I know I can do it. It’s just the getting there. And also the sorting out access arrangements for DS2. Much of the reason that I’ve stayed has been so that I can have him with me full time.

I have contacted the support service at work, which offers counselling. I’m waiting for them to get back to me. Luckily, in a bid to pretend they care about us, my employer have recently outsourced giving a shit about employees to a company that offers counselling, among other things.

I’d love to get to the point where I’m excited about it. Intellectually I know that it will be fine, eventually.

But at the moment it just feels overwhelming and shit. And I feel bad for moaning about it really. I see loads of posts on here from women who are in much more difficult situations. I need to woman up and remind myself that I have:
two really lovely boys;
a well paid job (even if I hate it, it will pay the bills - I don’t need tax credits as I do earn enough);
I can afford to buy a house on my own and in a nice, safe area of this city;
Being single will be better for me - I can rebuild some self-esteem;
The boys and I can have a nice relaxed home life, where no one gets ridiculous because muddy footprints got walked across the kitchen floor or crumbs got on the couch, and where we can just laugh and resolve to be more careful in future when someone makes a silly mistake.
And so on.

I’m going to go back to the doctor on Monday and see about tweaking this medication because some of how I’m feeling is depression. And, actually not being in this relationship may improve the depression (once I’m all set up on my own).

As you have said putting what he wants first is your default mode at the moment, this is not what a healthy relationship should be like. If you can't trust him to support you with your current health and you resent that his career has flourished at the expense of yours then this could be for the best.

It obviously won't feel like that at the moment but if you can take on board the positives that previous posters have mentioned it may help. Getting your independence back could make you a lot happier as being with a controlling partner is damaging in so many ways.

How old are your DS's? Children are surprisingly resilient in these situations and even if you do have to move to a new house I'm sure they will adapt quickly.

He sounds a dick-you’ll be happier without him.

How hasn’t he not noticed you’ve been signed off work?!

You made me laugh about the counselling service your employer has.

I work in HR son in an advocate of that kind of support. Be open minded about it. Counselling (with the right counsellor) can be really helpful.

If you can afford a place on your own...then go down that route. It's an upheaval for sure...but it's telling that DS1 would like to see the back of him.

DS1 is 17. DS2 is 8.

I do know it’s not a healthy relationship. It’s far from it. It’s no good for anyone. I’m resentful for all sorts of reasons, not just the career issues, to do with some unforgivable behaviour within the relationship that I somehow allowed myself to be convinced was my problem not his bad behaviour.

I think it boils down to his inability to care for and support me. I don’t think he’s ever loved me, and I should never have settled for that. We had relationship counselling a few years ago (which he has now retconned into a process where I attacked him and pretended everything was all his fault) the end result of which was him deciding that he’d ‘make a commitment’ to me and our relationship. I’ve heard the somewhat martyred claim that he ‘made a commitment’ to me so many times since - but it still wasn’t love. And, at the heart of it, one person can’t provide enough love and support for a relationship.

I will keep trying to focus on the positives. It’s hard because I have lots of issues that I’ll need to discuss with the counsellor. But, you are right, it will be better once I’ve got everything sorted and have worked things through.

actually not being in this relationship may improve the depression

^ this

Sandy: I’m sure the actually service they’ve outsourced it too is actually good. It will be an improvement over anything they’d provide in house. It was basically their response to many years of extremely dismal results in their annual staff survey.

How hasn’t he not noticed you’ve been signed off work?!

You’d think it’d be impossible, wouldn’t you? But no. What happens is that he gets in the car in the morning while I do the school run with DS2 (dropping him at a more convenient station that saves him walking to the one DS1 uses). Then I just do what I like for the day, pick up DS2 after school or from after school club, and he comes home at his usual time. He takes so little interest in my life that he hasn’t noticed anything.

There you go op you’re getting positive already
Just keep telling yourself you are about to live your life your way.
Wish him happy shagging. He sounds a nightmare and the hose sounds like a shell not a home.
You’ve got an exciting future ahead of you and once he’s out of your life I bet you won’t need the medication

DS1 has noticed, as he’s not at college two days a week. But he hasn’t said anything to P. I haven’t asked him to keep it quiet; he’d just never have a conversation with P where it came up.

One of my friends (who is the only person who knows the full story about this relationship) told me she was worried about what would happen when I told P that I was signed off work. She laughed when I told her I just elected not to tell him, and said ‘well done’.

There are some people (usually men in my experience), who scoff when they hear of being signed off sick. Almost like it's your fault and even If you told them about the work issues...they'd always see you are the one to blame.

I've a friend who is a teacher...and of course as all teachers know OFSTED inspections and observations...yet he says to her "You've been teaching for years...why are you getting stressed...unless you know you arent a good teacher

So she never yells him about work issues. He doesn't provide emotional support.

Yes. That’s exactly why I didn’t tell him. Plus it would come with added catastrophising about losing my job etc.

Ive just had a chat with a telephone counsellor from our work service. It was quite helpful, but hard to hear the (well masked, but there nonetheless) shock in her tone when I told her some of what’s been happening. I guess that’s helpful though to get me to fully recognise that it’s really not been ok and that I deserve better. And that’s the hardest thing, since a decade of this relationship has taught me to feel like I’m not good enough.

Apparently I’m entitled to 6 telephone or face to face counselling sessions. So I’m going to take them up on the offer and go from there.

OP definitely take the face to face sessions if you can

You’ve had some really good comments above

I was in a similar position to you a few months ago and I won’t lie it was difficult and stressful both for me and my ds but the relief now four months on is palpable. He is happier I am sleeping better and finally relaxing in my own home

I realise now it should have happened before but like you I needed to get my ds to the right point

You can do this

If you only moved to the area because of your partner's job then can't you move elsewhere now you're not tied to him and get a better job as the 17 year old will soon finish school and 7 year olds can move. Your current situation sounds awful. The relationship has obviously ended. Hopefully you'll all be happier apart.

Didn't want to read and run. You will be great. Your making big strides now.

Is it too early to start things moving? Getting the house sold? Looking at new houses? Planning for your new life 💐

Thanks for the support. It does help me to focus on the positives.

We have to stay here. P will be here, so I can’t move DS2 somewhere else. Maybe in the future, but for now it has to be here.

OP. You don't have to stay there. The next move you make has to be about you and then what's best for you DC. That might sound harsh but unless you are truly happy it won't work. You may end up living somewhere so that it suits ex and you'll resent him for that.

Take time out, speak to the dc, explain what will happen and go from there. Please look after number one.

If you have funds (which you say you have) please consider doing two things first and ASAP. Book a one hour appointment with a good local family solicitor who can advise you on the housing situation and your rights. You may not have to leave your house right now. Get info. Info is power. Don’t assume anything. Secondly, google search relationship, family breakdown counsellors in your area and book initial appointments to see a couple of them. Not all counsellors work the same way so the work one may not suit. I had to try 4/5 before I found one that I clicked with. Good counselling makes such a difference to personal wellbeing and resilience in these situations. Also, contact the local job centre for advice on what benefits you can get. You can say that you and your DP are now officially separated and there are a multitude of things you can apply for. I know you earn but now as a single parent you are entitled to help so claim all that you can as it could make the difference in what you can afford house-wise.
Also, I know your kids are in school but schools/colleges can be moved. Think of army personnel and kids. You don’t have to be tied to that area anymore. Once you’ve got your DP out, start researching other job opportunities. You can put your career first now. Plenty of ofsted outstanding schools and colleges that your kids might love in other areas. Don’t rule anything out.

ps..it doesn’t have to be focused around where your P lives. A friend of mine moved 3 hours away after a marriage breakdown to be near family/friends. The ex P and her drive halfway each to do swaps and the ex has more holiday time to make up for most weekdays. Lots of people make that work. Not all exes can live within 10 minutes of each other. Plenty of options.