How can I break this awful cycle and get out of this without collateral damage?

[getoutofthisonealive]

I think I know what the answer is but please be gentle with me as its really not as easy as it sounds and is making me very depressed. (Am a regular but have nc)

For the past 3 years on and off I have been having this weird "situation" with a colleague. Not a relationship. We have not actually had sex but have been to bed together and fooled around on multiple occasions and also have had some very intimate evenings when we have talked all night. There have also been fairly long periods when we've had minimal contact.

For a large number of reasons, including the fact we work together, there's no question of us having a conventional, committed relationship (we are both single FYI so neither of us is cheating, it just would never work due to huge gulf in lifestyle/outlook on life).

I am very attracted to this person and my attraction to him is preventing me from moving on in this area of my life, although at a rational level I know its impossible; he would never fit into my life long-term and he is hurting me. I don't really know how he feels about me because we've never really discussed it but I'm fairly sure he doesn't want to have a committed relationship with me.

So we're left with this awful situation. It's awkward and difficult to deal with and is increasingly making me quite depressed. We used to be good friends and occasionally a glimmer of that remains, but because of what's happened there is an awkwardness and we are now just about civil to one another or ignore each other at work. As if nothing has ever happened and we barely know each other.

This has got into this awful cycle where we push each other away and try to minimise contact for weeks or months until we get to the point where we think we have moved past things enough to be able socialise normally. Then we try to go for a drink (usually with others, not alone) or do something social together and something happens not necessarily sexual which makes it clear that we can't interact normally as friends without the sexual attraction part kicking in. And the cycle goes on.

This probably sounds trivial and pathetic in the scheme of the problems some people are facing: and I know the only answer is that I need to leave the company. I have been trying -- it's not easy finding jobs that are right for my very peculiar background, and I don't want to go into the wrong job because I'm running away from a situation without thinking it through. Additionally, I really really love my job and really don't want to leave. I know the odds of finding something that's as good a fit as this for me are very small.

My question is: is there any chance of salvaging the friendship that once existed underneath this weird fucked up thing and getting to a point where none of this matters? do I have any hope of being able to get back to this? Or do I have to leave at all costs to preserve my sanity?

Can’t uou just keep up the low level of contact at work, and fill your spare time with hobbies or other types of socialising that don’t include him? I doubt you can go back to an uncomplicated friendship without setting out serious ground rules about never being alone in a place where things get out of hand etc

costa that's basically what I've tried to do and I manage it more or less successfully during the "off" periods. Hobbies are pretty difficult for me as I'm a lone parent with no unpaid childcare whatsoever (DD's dad is rubbish and no family).
I think basically the only solution is absolutely no social contact outside of mandated company social events. It's sad that its come to this because its a lovely work environment and it used to feel like being part of a family but its clearly not working any more.

I've been in a similar situation. Leaving that job was the answer. My mental health improved almost instantly

pixie I hear you and this is what my head is shouting at me. The problem is that everything else about the job is absolutely perfect for me its by far the best job I've ever had and I know nothing else is going to come close. So while I know its the right thing to do for my mental health it will impact other parts of my life negatively. And I'll probably lose friends. :(

I was in a similar situation
I was lucky I got a new job. And it all sort of went away.
Sorry no other real advice. It’s amazing how we can drift along in these things

Really don’t bother to salvage anything, and just have no contact, aside from what’s absolutely necessary.

THREE YEARS?

Sorry, can't offer any different advice. The only way you will break this cycle is to get another job.

But I know what you mean about the family side and everyone going out together etc.
The way I looked at it, was it was a great fun part of my life and I was glad I had it for a short while. But it doesn’t last forever

Your job won't mean anything if you end up with severe depression or a nervous breakdown. Honestly. I know it's hard but there will be other jobs. Maybe not the same. But rewarding in a different way.

What I thought when I read your op is: you think he's like you. Perhaps to him you're a shag/fumble now and then. Whereas you're emotionally involved and perhaps giving him emotional depths he doesn't have.

Just a thought.

Yes I was thinking what springydaffs was saying
That’s what I was for sure. Fun to be around with all work mates and to have someone to go home with after etc. I was much more emotionally invested. BUT
when I left, I realised I didn’t actually even want to be with him. It was more him not being that into me which made me want him

My question is: is there any chance of salvaging the friendship that once existed underneath this weird fucked up thing and getting to a point where none of this matters?

Nope. I'm afraid that you have to shelve forever the idea of somehow transitioning to "just friends" with this person. This is (essentially) the bargaining stage of grief - "OK, so we can't be together, but maybe we could be friends and that would be something?"

But ask yourself, honestly were you ever really friends? Or has this undercurrent of sexual tension also been the main motivation in your guys hanging out?

I think you need to take your rose-tinted specs off about this person op - you're making yourself miserable about someone who occasionally deigns to make out/fool around with you, but can't be with you because REASONS and in between can't even be bothered to be very nice to you and treat you with basic civility.

You deserve a lot better than this strange, unsatisfying half-life, OP.

I would hope that he'd eventually move on to other employment.

thanks everyone. You're all confirming what I basically know. For a long time I've been trying to bargain with myself that its rescuable but I'm sure it no longer is.
It will take me a while to find something else, its by no means easy and I have to be careful that it doesn't impact my broader career. But I can see its what I need to do.

Don't quit your dream job over some numpty who's using you. Just imagine him on the loo having a really smelly sloppy poo every time you see him.
Or, tell him how this is making you feel and that it has to stop for your own sanity. if he doesn't respect that then you know what sort of person he really is. You deserve better than this OP.

Given that you are both single I think you have to conclude he’s just not emotionally available to you and move on mentally. You are probably holding on to the person you thought he was rather than to who he actually seems to be.

Don't quit your dream job over some numpty who's using you.

This. He's so totally and completely not worth it.

Thanks everyone -- just the process of posting on here has really clarified things for me. Someone made the point further up that he barely bothers to speak to me when we are in between episodes. I supposed I had rationalised that as it being awkward or something. But the bottom line is there's just no excuse for that.

This has been really helpful.

I can't get past the fact that you haven't even shagged in all this time. Why was that? If the sexual attraction is so strong why wouldn't you get it out of your system. If he's crap in bed that might help you get over him.

Sorry to drag this back up tonight but I really need to talk to someone about this -- I am feeling almost suicidal about this tonight. I got myself into a situation today where I made a sharp and nasty remark to this person at work which came across as moody and bitchy and bitter and made me look unprofessional and shit. And I suddenly became seriously paranoid that he is going to turn against me and turn all my colleagues against me.

Part of me is thinking I should send something to apologise and tell him that I am finding it difficult. Another part of me is telling me this is part of the denial and me thinking I can win the "friendship" back and I need to harden myself and style it out. I felt today as if I almost couldn't go back into work again -- the sense of shame and self-hatred was so strong.

At the root of it is the feeling that I still don't really know if this was a genuine friendship which I fucked up by being weird or if this person was just using me from the word go. In a way it no longer matters the friendship is fucked anyway but I need to know for my sanity.

Genuine or not, the outcome is the same. If you don’t feel cared for or that he is not emotionally invested in a relationship with you then there is no future.
Try not to worry too much about your remark. Most people have a moment like this in their working lives. If you feel the need to then apologise in a professional way and then move on.
Hope you feel better soon.

Why have you not had intercourse during this three year long relationship?
Who stops it going further?
Sounds peculiar and quite headfucky. If it’s not going anywhere with this person and you want a real relationship then you have to make the break.
Would love to know your reasons for not becoming an actual couple.

I think some counselling would be really helpful to help you. This situation (doesn't sound like a relationship) is not at all good for you and you need some help to see that and move on. It sounds like you enjoy your job, and most likely are good at it; you have friends (even though this are mainly work based - understandable given that's where you spend most time and it's hard getting out); and you have your little family. I think you have gotten a stuck though and it might be helpful to take a step back and think about what is most important to you in your life,and what can you do to live in a way that moves you towards things that are important and meaningful. This situation with your colleague is painful and keeping you stuck. It is also causing you to feel angry and to say things you normally wouldn't. You need to move beyond all that for your mental health. Iif you can prioritise your own well-being and arrange some counselling that could only help.

Celtic yes agreed. I did have some counselling a couple of years ago when this first became an issue but stopped mainly for financial reasons. I can see very clearly that the situation is not good for me. The problem is I am torturing myself over it. I now feel that its entirely fault for turning a good friendship into something corrosive and negative. I look at his relationship with others in the office and I can see how I've turned something good into something bad.

jellyheadbang its not a relationship -- that's the whole point. We are not and never have been a couple. I can't go into tons of detail without the risk of outing myself but there are significant differences in lifestyle between us and a fairly big age gap (I am quite a bit older). It's an unspoken agreement that having sex is a line that can't and shouldn't be crossed. It nearly has been on several occasions but one or the other of us has always stopped before it got to that point.

Sorry you're going through it op