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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Recently divorced and toddler struggling

19 replies

hettyss · 01/02/2018 23:22

Hi
I'm going through divorce proceedings and feel in a state. My daughter cries for her Dad and asks where he is all the time. Then I explain that Daddy lives in a different house now and she will see him on (whatever) day but she gets so distressed. She lives with me but sees him 2 days a week. We thought that best so that she doesn't have to move around all the time and has one stable, familiar base.
She's 2 and a half.
It's 2 weeks in so I know it's early days for her but I feel so stressed and sad for her. Her sleeping has regressed and seems very anxious.
Anyone been in a similar position and could offer some advice? X

OP posts:

Solasum · 01/02/2018 23:27

Are things amicable with the ex? After I split from 3yo DS’s dad, initially whenever he said he wanted him, we called him on Skype, and sent goodnight texts etc, and made it clear he was still there and gettable. It really seemed to help the adjustment. A month down the line we didn’t need to do this anymore. When they are tiny they forget fast.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 01/02/2018 23:29

My children were older than yours, but my ex used to come round every evening for a couple of hours before they went to bed. I think that really helped. Sometimes I'd stay in the room but other times I'd have a bath, clean up the kitchen etc. We wouldn't argue if they were there (obviously) and would usually find something to chat about. It's hard work!

Original poster

hettyss · 01/02/2018 23:35

It's semi-amicable. He cheated, we tried to rebuild but he then sent a stupid email to the woman which then broke my trust all over again.
She asks for him a lot around bed time so I could face time him but didn't know if she would end up being more upset after the call. I also worry in a way that letting him come round to put her to bed in the evenings or whatever will just elongate the inevitable - that he can't do that forever. I feel quite lost to be honest.

OP posts:

MyBrilliantDisguise · 01/02/2018 23:40

Well, maybe you two (leave that woman out of it and tell him that he should put his child first, not some random woman) should discuss it and agree that you'll do a month of two hours before bed (to really reassure your child), then a month of 1.5 hours, a month of 1 hour and then a month of half an hour. Just as you might do a gradual retreat when you're trying to sleep train, you could do this with him leaving home.

PotatoesOfTheCarribean · 01/02/2018 23:40

My youngest was 2.5y when i split with ex we didn't plan it like this, but there were 3 weeks or so when she didn't see her Dad at all. I'm not suggesting it's the best idea, but with tiny ones like this they get so confused and have no understanding of how permanent.

I was just pondering that for the very short term (very very short) it might be best?

I'm going to get shouted at for this, I can tell. Maybe it worked in our case because ex worked long hours.

Just a suggestion. Might help her see a separation. Toddlers often need black and white.

PotatoesOfTheCarribean · 01/02/2018 23:41

Don't facetime at bedtime though. Either he sees her in the day, or he puts her to bed. I think facetime for this age can be incredibly confusing.

Grunkle · 02/02/2018 03:12

My youngest was 3.5 when we separated households. He was a mess for about 6 weeks. But he came out of it completely and now is really happy, looks forward to seeing his dad etc.

Give her time. Change is hard for everyone, kids and adults alike. She's grieving the change but that's healthy. Don't lengthen the adjustment period by inviting him into the house... Jmo / my experience.

It's very hard. I've been there, I so get it. But it's temporary. The key is to remain calm and allow her to have the emotions... The only way out is through. Love to you x

Ilovecrumpets · 02/02/2018 08:24

Hi OP I am in a similar situation with my just 3 year old - my ex comes and does bath and bed twice in the week, takes eldest to school Friday then has them overnight Saturday and all day Sunday at the house ( can’t afford a flat so he has to see them here). I did let them call at bedtime if they wanted but after 3 weeks they don’t seem to want to anymore.

My youngest however is waking crying a lot in the night. I have the opposite though in that he is getting really insecure about me not being there every night and crying about that, won’t go to bed for ex etc.

Some suggestions I had from a friend who is a child psychologist is to make a very simple week chart with pictures so they can see what is happening. Also to give them something to look after for the absent parent until they next see them - apparently it helps them understand the other parent is coming back.

Mostly though it is just about riding it out I think and reassuring and letting them know they are loved - which I am sure you do

Chocolate50 · 02/02/2018 08:32

Agree with ilovecrumpets post. Good advice. Rough but support her in it

fallenblossom · 02/02/2018 10:42

I agree with a chart too. We have what we call a family book... Everything goes in there, almost like a scrap book with little calendar doodles where we count down days to 'daddy time'... Write about planned activities, sleepovers etc.

It's hard, but if things are consistent and most decisions are based on what is best for the little one, it will pass quickly. So many of us have been where you are OP, your DD will adjust and settle into her new normal. Good luck x

Original poster

hettyss · 02/02/2018 13:34

Thank you all for your replies.
I am finding it a struggle. I guess I'm also trying to come to terms with my emotions whilst trying to be strong for her. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't have separated from him as watching her in distress and pain is awful. I also miss him, or maybe I miss the future I thought we would have, I don't know.
It's really good to get advice from people who have been there. My F&F have been offering advice but they've never been through it. I know this sounds ridiculous but it's like they serve up all these cliches about how she'll be fine and so will I then they can go back to their perfect set up whilst thanking god they haven't got my life. I know I sound almost angry at them. I don't know why, it's not their fault.

OP posts:

Ilovecrumpets · 02/02/2018 14:20

hetty I do know what you mean about friends and family yes - I have one friend who divorced when her kids were little and she has been a great help to me. I feel separating is a it like a parent dying - you don’t really u derstabs how overwhelming and hard it is until you go through it yourself. I now look back and feel a bit crap about how I’ve been in the past with people separating. I also sometimes get randomly jealous when I leave Togo home from work in the evening of everyone else going home to their partners - even though I have no idea what their lives are actually like!

It is so hard and more than anything you just want to know your kids will be OK and sadly no one can tell us that. Hang in their you have my sympathy ( as I’m also finding the sleep deprivation doesn’t help!).

Ilovecrumpets · 02/02/2018 14:21

Sorry so many typos! Hope you get the gist

Granville72 · 02/02/2018 14:43

My child was 2.5 as well when I split with his Dad. He didn't take it very well, was very withdrawn, refused to see his Dad when he came to visit etc.

Children that age find it very hard to process these kind of situations and their feelings, and all you can do is support your child and let time take it's course.

A picture chart, or even pictures on the calendar to show when Daddy is next due to visit etc. can be very helpful.

I'm three years down the line now, my son is relatively settled, still gets anxious about going with his Dad on his visit day (there is no over nights as my son refuses to even entertain this idea). My child though has always been very sensitive and we had to move home as well through the split so we had that upheaval to deal with.

All you can do is support and reassure as best you can, ideally even better if both parents can be supportive and reassuring. It does get better eventually.

Myddognearlyatethedeliveryman · 02/02/2018 14:46

Could you help your dd keep a diary for her df? She could draw pics in it - you write captions, stickers whatever to show him on his days, take photos and print off of what she has been up to.

Original poster

hettyss · 02/02/2018 18:51

Granville72 - my daughter sounds similar to yours. I think she's always be a sensitive and anxious child - in part I wonder whether it was due to my depression and the upheaval my H caused when she was younger. Gave him a chance to prove himself and he showed he couldn't be trusted.
I have an immense amount of mum guilt. I hate the start my daughter has had. I feel she'll take many years to get used to this and wonder whether it's just going to cause her so much damage. I think my parents think I should have forgiven him again for her sake because she is so sensitive and such a worried shy little girl that this is just too much for her. Sorry, I'm ranting now. I know I need to plough all my energies into supporting her but I am finding it so difficult to cope seeing her so distressed. It's either utter distress or like you have said withdrawn.

OP posts:

Pogmella · 02/02/2018 19:16

Hi hetty my DD is 2, found out about her dad's affair 5 months ago and he left immediately.

Give yourself a break. It's not an ideal situation and she will be affected. Do what is right for you- you can't help her til you're stable at such early days. For me that meant no contact for a fortnight in the end as I recall- for you it might mean her going to grandparents for a bit or something else.

We do dad picks up for nursery, takes her for tea in town and does bath/bed 2 nights a week. We also do facetime at bedtime. Once we established a set routine she did adapt to it and she's thriving now.

It did impact her. She started biting again for a few weeks and her speech stopped (it had just started). His family in particular were keen to push the whole kids are so adaptable etc etc but it did have a short term impact. I feel We are for the most part over that now and she understands dad lives away.

We do family days out as a 3 about once a month, she seems to enjoy those.

It will probably get worse before it gets better, but I feel good about myself some days now.

DrCoconut · 03/02/2018 17:53

Me and "D"H have separated and for legal reasons he can't see our 2 and 6 year old DC. It's really difficult. The little one doesn't understand and my 6 year old is very anxious and clingy, gets into bed with me, won't go to the toilet alone etc. It's hard seeing your children affected by their dad's stupidity. Hope you get a more settled phase soon.

Granville72 · 05/02/2018 14:53

Yes it's awful seeing them effected so much. My son is 5 now and is still very clingy, wont sleep on his own so often ends up in my bed, sometimes wont go with his Dad, can have anxiety at school and have issues about me leaving him there (though have to say he's a lot better and we have less and less problems with this).

I guess 70% of the time he is fine now. He is and has always been very sensitive. Thankfully we have a very close relationship and he will talk to me and tell me absolutely everything. I think this has helped him a lot to try and understand and come to terms with why his useless father doesn't want to be a full time presence in his life.

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