Advice please re residence and access. DD is 16.

[Seeingadistance]

I'm looking for some advice on this.

Briefly, XDH and I have been apart since DD was 8 years old. Residence and access arrangements have been negiotated and changed a few times over the years. Currently, DD is with her DF Monday to Friday, and attends school local to her DF. She is with me 3 weekends out of 4, and this usually works out as being every weekend, which I am very happy with.

This month DD, for various reasons, has been with her DF for the past two weekends, and was meant to be with me this weekend, to resume the usual pattern. However, I received a text from her DF saying that she is having issues at school and has done very poorly on a school test, and that he wants to meet with me face to face to chat about this. Fair enough. DD was on study leave this week, her last exam was on Tuesday, and she was meant to be with me from Wednesday, but her DF said she must stay there and study. Prelims now finished and proper exams not for another 3 months.

I phoned DD today and she said that her DF wants her to stay with him this weekend, and that would mean that she wouldn't have seen me for almost a month!

She also said that her DF and DSM have said that if she doesn't do well in her exams then she'll have to go to another school, of their choosing. I have heard nothing of this! When I asked if this was coming from her DF or DSM she said overtime it's spoken about it's the three of them together. I get on ok with my DD's stepmother, and given my ex's horrible temper, I am glad that she is there to act as a buffer between my DD and her DF. However, it is DD's father and I who have parental responsibility and I feel it is wrong that I am being excluded from discussions about and with my DD about her education.

So, my questions are really these.

Can my Ex stop my DD coming to stay with me this weekend? DD is 16 and usually travels here on public transport. Is he does forbid her coming to see me, what can I do about that?

In terms of parental responsibility, do parents have to agree for something as significant as a change of school? I would think so, and that's what's happened in the past.

DD, not DS in title.

Fingers shaking because I'm angry and stressed!

*[Message from MNHQ - we've edited the title now]

I'm afraid there is no easy answer. Because your daughter is 16, the Court cannot make s8 orders about her so contact prohibited steps and specific issue orders are not available to manage exercises of parental responsibility.

Of course, he has no right to make these decisions without your input, but more importantly, he shouldn't be making them without your daughter's agreement. The law assumes I'm afraid that your daughter will decide for herself, but that doesn't work if she has an overbearing dad.

Does she want to come live with you? Could she?

What does she want - can she move in with you fulltime - at this age she can very much do what she wants. At 16 she can live where she wants so if you want her and can have her that is fine there is nothing they can do

I think what you need to do is challenge him Im afraid

She wants to be here this weekend.

I asked if she wanted to change to school nearer me, and she said she didn't - which is fair enough. That was when she told me that her DF and DSM were threatening to put her into another school if she doesn't do well enough in her exams.

It's also worth mentioning that DD is a December birthday, so young for her year group, and was diagnosed with Asperger's when she was in P2. There was a certain inevitability about her struggles with this stage of her education, quite simply because she is quite immature for her age and stage, and she struggles with managing the increasing complexity of her subjects. I got a bit stressed about this last year, with her first lot of exams, but have been consciously more laid back, and I discussed this with her DF last year. I said then she would benefit from a year at college after school, to give her time to mature, and that there's no need to put pressure on for exams now, when she's not going to be ready for uni or college till she's that bit older anyway.

Sorry, rambling.

I'm close enough to the school that she could stay with me, and travel to and from school on public transport. And spend weekends or agreed weekday nights at her dad's. That could be longer term solution. Her dad would probably not agree to that, simply because it was my suggestion, but I reckon that at 16 my DD should be able to decide these things for herself.

He does not have to agree to anything she is 16 she can do what she wants (I assume as well you are in Scotland)

I suspect that you have never stood up to him before but I tihnk you might need to know and get her out of the situation and show you are on her side

Yip, I am in Scotland.

I have stood up to him, in the past. He had major problems with anger, can be very irrational and is a bully. He was abusive to me in the marriage, which is why it broke down.

Things have been quiet for the past two or three years, and I had started to relax a bit.

My plan is to contact him later this evening, and say that I'll come to his house tomorrow after work for a short chat about the school issues, as he has requested. And then I'll take DD with me back to mine for the weekend.

If he refuses to let her go, and I very much hope it won't come to this, then I thought I could go to the police for assistance as he has no right to restrict her movements.

Yes that sounds like a good plan

That was when she told me that her DF and DSM were threatening to put her into another school if she doesn't do well enough in her exams.

I think if your DD wants to stay in her current school, might you both have a meeting with her tutor, if she's worried about being railroaded by her dad?

There’s a new law against what’s called “parent alienation” your scenario falls exactly under this. The courts can order custody to be removed from the parent doing the alienation. Restricting access is alienation (under the new law). The courts are coming down hard on this now. It’s wirth contacting a solicitor to see if anything/what can be done. They might be able to advise or help. He is effectively abusing your child by restricting rightful access to you. It’s not on and it’s not acceptable. She can study at yours. If things don’t go your way tomorrow then you say to him that you will be consulting a solicitor about parental alienation laws and he is forcing you to contact social services to have them come and examine her wellbeing.

There is no need to bother the Police at this time, just say what can she do here that she can't do with me?

Find a compromise between you all, especially your DD. She gets the main say here due to her age.

Sounds like he is very concerned she is falling behind, he should be speaking to you about that. I've no doubt you're concerned to. Look at all the options together.

Oh you're in Scotland. Disregard my advice, that's English law

DD has texted to say that her DF seems to be ok with her coming to mine this weekend. I texted him to say I'll come to his for a chat tomorrow afternoon before bringing DD back here. He's responded to let me know what time he'll be back from work - nothing else. I'll see how it goes tomorrow. Hopefully, he'll have had time to calm down, and be more reasonable.

@Blackteadrinker77. In an ideal world we would be able to have a calm discussion and reach a compromise. However, my ex has a long history of being extremely difficult, refusing to compromise and lying about previous agreements. During our separation and divorce, he made every aspect of that as difficult as he possibly could, and our marriage broke down because of his abusive behaviour.

Involving the police would be a very last resort, and only if he refused to allow our DD to come with me as she has said she wishes to do. Unfortunately, I have learned through experience that I have to anticipate the worst outcome and plan a strategy for dealing with that.

Thanks to everyone who has commented on this thread. You've helped me to feel less wobbly.

Good luck today. Hope you see your DD

I’m guessing your DD is in S5. In that case the last thing she needs now is this pressure and upset from her dad, I can see why you are so worried . Everything needs to be kept calm and stable over the next few months, she’s only got 10 weeks of school until her exams.

Does your DD understand that she is free to choose to come and live with you full time and that she can stay at her current school for the rest of S5 and next year ?

Is she getting support at school for her additional needs ? Do you think it’s worth talking to he guidance / pupil support teacher ?

Do you know why her father thinks she should change school ? it seems very drastic, especially for a child with Aspergers who might struggle socially in a new school.

I’m not clear whether or not you think you DD is actually having trouble at school. Or it just her fathers anger and over reacting about school that’s the problem for her? And of course you are both upset about his stopping her staying at your house .

I arrived at ex's house shortly before he got home from work. DD was there on her own when I got there. She said that her DF had calmed down over the course of the week.

When he got there, we had a brief conversation. Generally, about DD's need to focus on studying for her Highers, possibility of getting her a tutor for a couple of subjects, and so on. I did say that after a bit of a lull, her Asperger's is again to the fore, and that this combined with her being young for her year group, makes it not really surprising that she is struggling a bit. He has alway been ... resistant... to the Asperger's diagnosis, and seems incapable of seeing how this is affecting her.

Anyway, we had the chat then DD and I left.

@ALLISON

Yes, she is in 5th year, and yes, the last thing she needs is her father kicking off, yelling at her, punishing her, putting unnecessary and unreasonable pressure on her.

After we left her dad's we had a long conversation about the fact that she can make choices about where she lives and which school she attends. She, understandably, doesn't want to find herself in the position where she has to defy her father and have to deal with his reaction to that. I did say that we could look at whether instead of being with him during the week and with me at the weekends, we could look at varying the pattern a bit so she is with me more often during the week and travel to school from mine. She did do this for a while last year when her step-grandparents were very ill and her DF and DSM had to take compassionate leave to go and care for them.

The school are aware of her additional support needs, and she does get support during the school day if need be, and extra time in exams. The school are more aware of her needs and challenges than her DF is.

Her step mother is a teacher, and their suggestion/threat was that DD attend the school where her SM teaches so that she can keep an eye on her! I am completely opposed to this idea, as is DD. She was anxious about this, and what would happen if her DF simply enrolled her for that school. She asked if her agreement would be required now that she is 16 or whether her DF could do that unilaterally. A new school would be disastrous for her - she knows that and I know that.

As for whether I think she's actually having trouble at school? To be honest, it was last year when she was doing her National 5s that I realised that being young for her year group, combined with Asperger's and a generally laid back approach to exams, meant that she wasn't going to do as well as she might have done if she had started school a year later than she did. She did ok in those exams - Bs and Cs, and this year is doing 4 Highers and doing National 5 Maths again as she failed that one. She is not going to be ready for uni anyway after 6th year, and last year I started thinking that a year at college or some other focussed activity would be good as it would give her time to mature and gain more experience in areas which interest her. She has known since Primary School what she wants to do, and her chosen career is one into which there are various different routes - uni being one, but there are other ways of achieving the same result. Last year, I started saying, "life isn't a race".

Yeah, so the main problem is her father's anger, which is disproportionate and controlling.

That’s good that she’s been able to come to yours without any hassle and drama. And it sounds like she’s doing ok at school TBH. As you say. being young for year, the Aspergers and her fanily situation all mean that she should be cut some slack I think.

Lots of teens with Aspergers are really unhappy as school because they are bullied or simply don’t have a friendship group. So if she is happy and is getting good enough grades for the career she wants then that’s all good.

AND she knows what she wants to do , which many 5th years don’t.

AND lots of school don’t offer the necessary support and hers does.

So it sounds good all round.

Is the problem that her father and SM can’t accept that she’s not a straight A student and they think that by punishing her she will achieve more ? Because that’s abusive and she doesn’t have to put up with it.

I guess I’m struggling to see that your DD actually has any problems apart from her father.

I guess it’s really hard when you have both spent all these years kow towing to him and his anger. It must be really hard to stand up to him.

But I’m glad she knows that

1. She can live with you any time she wants .

1. Her father can’t force her to move to another school and she can stay at her current school for S6

1. If she comes to live with you she doesn’t have to stay at her dads at all , she can just have contact without sleeping there. Or even not see him at all if he can’t act reasonably.