Still can't get over it....

[ChutneyNose]

When I said I'd abbreviate things a bit, obviously I lied

I’ll abbreviate things somewhat. I’m now 40 and I was with an amazing (Canadian) girl for nearly ten years (36). We live overseas and agreed to move cities for her job. We agreed that it would be a short-term thing before going to live in her home country, where I also have family and plan on having a family of our own. I really struggled in the new city and my mental health suffered terribly. Additionally I had a serious physical (back) issue that prevented me from playing sports and was generally very debilitating. My XW really flourished and loved the new city and her new that we lived in and after a few months decided that she didn’t want to return to her home country and wanted to push back the idea of children as well. I was 37 and she was 33 and I didn’t really want to wait any longer to think about having kids. Her attitude to kids was always a bit puzzling, whenever anyone asked she was ‘way too young’ to think about kids but privately with me always said she wanted them. Anyway about a year and a half of living in the new city she said she wanted to separate and divorce, she said that I had become negative and down about life, which was certainly true. It was three months after my major surgery and I was still pretty fragile post op and definitely down in the dumps if not depressed. Previous to this episode our relationship had been incredible. We were very much in love and everyone commented how suited we were and how well we got on. Anyway after she left it was and still is incredibly hard. We hardly had any contact after she left but occasionally would send me messages saying she didn’t really understand how this had happened, that she missed me etc. but felt she needed to get divorced to put a line under the whole horrible last few years. She had a number of wobbles and we would meet up, talk things through and then she would reaffirm that she wanted a divorce but said she didn’t know what would happen between us in the future. I made it very clear that is not what I wanted and tried everything I could to try to win her back. It’s been four months since I last saw her. I miss her horribly, my life still feels like it has a huge hole in it, but ultimately that is the decision she has taken.
The problem is that I would like to move on but I don’t know how. I still feel terribly sad about the whole situation, I know I ‘should’ be angry with her but I’m not, and she was absolutely devastated about the whole thing, but I think she still has feelings for me. Even though it has now been a year since we divorced (she had a massive wobble last year and we met up a few times to chat) I still think about her every day and miss her terribly. I have had quite a few dates and a couple of six-month relationships which I finished, essentially because they weren’t my ex (silly I know).
I have a mortgage-free house in the UK (nice source of income) and a big wedge (100k) of savings and am currently working in a job I despise. I want to do something and was thinking doing something radically different to office work but I just kind of feel ‘stuck’ and paralysed. Additionally I still live very close to my ex and think that putting some distance between us would be a good idea. I was on vacation in South America last year for three months and am thinking of going over there to buy some land and build a hostel or some cabins to rent out on AirBandB. Sometimes I think eff it, it’s a great idea, great place, nice beaches, nice girls (I speak the language and was seeing a girl over there for a while) and other times I think it is just a silly pie in the sky idea. My priority would be to be busy in something I enjoy (i love travelling and love meeting people) and obviously I would like to have a family of my own (though may be I have left it too late). The real part is that I would love to stop loving my ex and forget about her, but it’s proving very hard indeed.
How did you do it? Any advice appreciated!

I wouldn't waste energy trying g to win her back. Some relationships just come to a natural end, no need for anger, bitterness. It just is.

Take the positives from it, you gave love and received love. It just wasn't reciprocated equally her end. Remember the joy, go onto find new love, new life, new adventures where the feelings are reciprocated equally.

Life is there for the taking. She won't be the one and only person in the whole world with whom you could find love.

But love won't come knocking on your door. Go out and do the things you love and somewhere on that journey you may find love as a bonus.

Go and have some bloody good fun.

This sounds so hard for you. It is very hard to get over someone you love and you think about everyday. I think she was unfair with her wobbles. Even if she did wobble if she knew it wasnt enought to get back together she should have not vocalised that information to you.
It just makes it harder for you to move on.

I think you should do something radical that you love. Move away from her. Distance yourself completely. It will take time and don't rush into a relationship, as you'll always compare them to her.

As minmooch said, go out and find a new adventure.
wishing you luck, lot's of us have been there and it is very very hard

Thanks guys, I used to think 'I'll get over it and I'll be fine' but it's been a while and I'm still not (even though better than before). And I agree her wobbles were really unfair.
Thanks again.

It really sounds like you need a completely fresh start somewhere new.

If you despise your job then that will not be helping your mood and self esteem and it's time for a career change.

How about a break, maybe a month or so off and go and volunteer in an area that maybe is 3rd world, building schools / hostels etc. or just have the time off to travel and get your head together away from where you are now and your ex and see how you feel then?

You could always become a travel writer / blogger if you like to trael and meet people.

you will get over it. but a year, and still being in contact is really soon.
I think it takes a few years to move on from a 10 year stint.
especially if you didnt want to end it.
so don't berate yourself for not getting over it.
have you thought about a bit of counselling to talk things through. it might help

She sounds a bit messed up to be honest. You had a good relationship and at the first sign of trouble she jumped ship. When you are married or in a long term relationship there are going to be hard times where you prop each other up, she wasn't there for you.

You are in a fantastic position financially. You have options to travel, start up a business doing something you'd enjoy, or if you have an income you could afford to live in South America without building a hostel etc. For less than £1k a month you can live like a king.

Moving on physically will help with moving on emotionally. I think you need to accept that your ex wasn't the person you thought she was. Having a back injury and an operation is a lots to deal with and instead of helping you through your depression, she left you. Then all that toing and froing afterwards was very cruel.

You'll find someone new, and 40 is not too old to have children.

If you take it one thing at a time the answer is obvious

First up, you despise your job. That is a strong word. So the first thing you need to do is change your job. What is it you despise? Is the the actual occupation (I hate cleaning chimneys) or is it the task you are currently doing as a job (I love cleaning chimneys but I spend my whole time cleaning up soot which I despise) or is the place/people you work with (I love cleaning chimneys and don't mind cleaning up soot, but I hate the other sweeps and the Chief sweep is a bastard)?

If it's just the environment or task, and you used to like the job, that gives you some idea about what you should be looking for by way of a new job.

Second, your location definitely needs changing. You moved there for your ex-wife which is a huge act of selflessness. That is over and no only do you not need to be there any more you shouldn't be there. So where do you want to be based permenantly? South America might be fine for a jaunt or an extended break but is that really (when you stop flipping out with the need to change Everything) where you see yourself forever.

Third, you need to get over Mrs -Ex which you can't do while you are still there an open to her flip flopping and openly using you as a back up when she feels vulnerable. Which is cruel and abusive by the way - but I suspect if you sort one no.1 and no.2, no 3 will happen anyway.

My advice would be:

1. Move back to the UK as a start. I infer this is your home and you have a house here - and probably old friends and family. I'd suggest this for two reasons one because you don't want to be making too many changes in one go. It might seem very Hollywood Film Change My Life - but if everything is completely different all at once this can be very distablising which isn't what you want. Two because you still sound a bit down and depressed - possibly stressed too - which is no condition to be making life changing decisions of massive magnitude. Stablise yourself first even if only for a year or so before making a huge change.
2. Decide what you want to do for a job in the UK for the next couple of years while you restablise. Do you want to have a wholesale change such that you might want to sign up for a training course? Or are your skills such that you can find something different that you would enjoy without retraining?
3. Have a long holiday that will help you get everything back into perspective and will put you in touch with other people so you aren't isolated. I'd suggest something that will keep you busy and with others - a volunteering holiday or an activity holiday like Wildfitness if your back has recovered.

FWIW your wife sounds like a piece of work (apart from the wobbling it's pretty shitty to bail on someone depressed post-surgery especially when they have moved countries for you). You are better off without her. 37 is young and in fact a single man aged 40 who is solvent with no children is possibly in the best place in the singles market. Women younger and older than you will both be interested.

Take a risk, move countries and do something completely different.

What you need is to find a new perspective / way of understanding life. You need to re clarify what your life focus is about - what you want your legacy on this earth to be.

I'd cold turkey on my contact with the ex. And start spending chunks of time with new people, in whatever way you can. As long as you're isolated, you're not going to form new connections and you're going to keep missing her, it will take so much longer for you to feel better.

Fwiw I hit absolute rock bottom at four months out from splitting from my exh. I can remember the day it happened still clear as crystal, the pain was brutal. You are still in the early days of recovery. Give yourself time.

But also, do take action.

Plan to pack the job in. Be transient for a year or two. Look all over the world for "your place". Even when you find it, take the time not to put down roots immediately... take time to observe the place you are in, to observe yourself in that place. Meet many different people... sign up for challenges, charity stuff, sporting events. Hike the Appalachian Trail, do something that sounds crazy.

You'll find a new you, a reborn version of yourself that's stronger for the pain you've faced. That version of you, if he does find himself a father one day, will have priceless life lessons to pass on to his kids. If you don't have kids, you'll find other people (via charitable work, sports and community coaching, you name it) who need your support and love in a different but equally important way.

You are important and have a lot to offer the world. Go out there and start giving back. What happened with your ex does not define you, this isn't the end of you x

Thanks for the kind words, they really mean a lot.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do. Keep us updated