Telling DH about childhood issues - hand hold and advice please

[AnonyBlardy]

I think I want/need to tell DH about some things that happened to me when I was a kid. I'm terrified of telling him, so I was hoping that people might have some advice, or even just a bit of a handhold.

Essentially, I spent quite a few years with my head totally messed up, and when I met DH somehow I felt "fixed". He just intuitively saw exactly who I am and accepted me for it, all all my issues and struggles just seemed to melt away. I've never told him why I had these issues though. I've never told anyone, and I never really felt the need to tell him. He's just always accepted and never asked why.

However, for the past few months things have been difficult in our relationship, and earlier this week things came to a head. One of the things DH said was that I seem so angry and on edge. I've been thinking about this lots, and I've realised that what is going on in my head is the same as I suffered from through the years before I got with DH. I'm back into self-hate/blame/punishment. I think I'm taking it out on him.

I've thought lots about why it is coming back, and I think it is a combination of things. Attitudes towards women seems to be going backwards and I feel genuinely scared for our DD, #metoo, I'm under lots of pressure at work, so stressed and tired and working too many hours, feeling like I can't take the responsibility, that I'm sacrificing myself for others and I'm losing who I am.

Last night I explained to him how I'm feeling, but not why. He's been amazing. Says we can work this out together, but I feel like I want/need to let him know what happened and how I ended up like this. But it is terrifying. I've never told anyone. This is the first time ever that it is outside of my head.

I'm trying to write it all down for him. I usually find it difficult to talk about stuff, and I think it will be easier for me to write everything down, let him read the whole thing, and then talk. But I'm not sure whether this is a good idea?

I'm also terrified of how he will react. Well, more I'm worried that his views of me will change. If I tell him, do I risk changing something between us forever? Part of his job involves working with sexual abuse survivors, so in many ways I know that he will understand and not be judgmental. But, dealing with all this with clients is different to dealing with it with your own wife. Will he look at me differently, think about me differently? Probably not, but it is terrifying.

Not really sure why I'm posting on here, I guess I'm just hoping for some support, perhaps some advice.

Thanks

I would look into seeking outside support other than your DH to begin with. He is your husband and he needs to remain so in that he cannot act as either your counsellor, a rescuer and or saviour.

Abuse thrives on secrecy; I would urge you to talk to someone like NAPAC as they are also importantly impartial and not connected to you.

napac.org.uk/

Oh sweetheart if he’s half the man he sounds like he is (and the responses you’ve detailed above make him sound pretty good) then you’ve nothing to fear. I agree a letter might be best, purely because it allows you to get the words out without having to speak them, which is somehow worse. Remember that he loves you for who you are. All of you. Very unmumsnetty hugs.

Have you ever tackled what happened to you in the past?
Talked to a counsellor or anything?
If not then that is a step you need to take.
It could be PTSD rearing it's ugly head.
Would you contact Rape Crisis to get some specialist therapy?

Thanks for responding.

I've only ever tackled it in my own head. This thread is the first time I've externalised it at all. I really thought something had changed in me when I met DH. Everything felt so free and easy. I now have absolutely everything I could ever want, and I feel so lucky, but something in my head is putting me into self-destruct mode, and it scares me.

I think I do need to tell DH, but you are right, he can't be my therapist/counsellor. Maybe I should look into some kind of therapy.

I'm just still scared he will look at me differently after this.

Yes, speak to someone. Both you and him sound like wonderful people in a great relationship. The professional will be experienced and will be able to guide you through my thoughts are that it won't affect your dh's feelings for you or how he sees you but it will make him angry and upset (at whoever abused you) and maybe powerlessness. However, if it affects how you are now and explains why you are the way you are, then it's good for him to know there's a reason.

I told DH this weekend, and it went really well. I was terrified, but wrote it all down, and he read it all calmly. He was just so calm and accepting about it. I was expecting him to maybe be angry or upset, maybe to have lots of questions, wanting to know who, what and when. But he didn't ask anything, he just accepted it without judgement.

Once he read it he simply said "well, that explains lots of things I never understood". We spent some time talking about how this plays into the dynamic of our relationship and how he can help me to not get into these negative thought patterns.

We talked about that he can't be my therapist, but he has said that if I want to seek any kind of therapy, he has suggested a specific type that he has seen been very effective in situations like mine.

He suggested that my negative thoughts might be a bit like cold sores. When I'm happy and rested and taking care of myself all is fine, but when I get run down, tired and stressed it is likely to flare up. Now that he knows, he said he can be more sensitive to the way I react to things and help to pick me up before I fall.

The only thing he asked was why I was scared of telling him. I told him it was a mixture of things, but mainly I was scared that he might think about me differently. He said that I'm thinking like that because I still see myself as the weak victim, but he sees me as a strong survivor, and if anything he only thinks more of me now for telling him.

I can't believe that this time last week DH and I were on the verge of breaking up, and now I've told him my deepest, darkest secrets, and now we both feel hopeful about our future again. There is work to be done, but at least DH now fully understands why I can behave and react in the way I do.

Thanks everyone for the advice.

i just wanted to say well done for talking about it, i hope this is one of many in your healing process.

He sounds like a wonderful, wonderful man. Good on you for choosing him.

All best wishes for your journey, separately and together.

Well done Anony, you were very brave and your DH sounds wonderful. Your OP reminded me of me - just feeling ‘fixed’ with DH. I have never told my full story to DH, but he understands some of what I’ve been through (usually if I see something on TV or hear of people being treated badly I go on a bit of a rant!).
I would really, really encourage you to start therapy. I was under NHS MH services for a long time, then found a private therapist who was experienced in trauma therapy, used art therapy and was a woman. It took me over six months to begin to talk about the abuse, but after two years we had reached a natural close. It’s been truly life changing.

I've been with my DH for 10 years this year and I only found the courage to tell him over a year ago. It explained a lot about me and filled the gaps in with my MH etc. Hes been my biggest supposrt and will always be my best friend Keep your head up, you've been very brave and I wish you all the happiness in the future x

Well done OP.
It's a hard thing to say out loud.
I'm so glad he was so understanding.
He's sounds like a good one.
And he's right.
You should get your own therapy from a professional.
And you are a strong survivor.
So so pleased for you!
Rape crisis can be a real help for you right now.
They will know specialist counsellors in your area.
You deserve some help so reach out for it.
Time to put yourself first and start the 'healing' process.
It's a brave thing you've done and hope you feel very proud of yourself for putting it out there.

There's a right time for everything and I think this is your time. Dh had helped you heal enough to be able to start facing this. It's amazing you are talking about it on here. I think if I were your dh (I'm a woman), I wouldn't just hand him the letter out of nowhere. I would let him know there is stuff you would like him to know but it's v difficult to talk about so you've written it down. As advice above, I would also arrange counseling before you tell him so that there is somewhere safe to go as well as him that can help you process this. Bringing it all out in the open will be painful, but also healing for you and will help you move on. Feel so proud of you even though I don't know you. This is your time, OP.

"He suggested that my negative thoughts might be a bit like cold sores. When I'm happy and rested and taking care of myself all is fine, but when I get run down, tired and stressed it is likely to flare up. Now that he knows, he said he can be more sensitive to the way I react to things and help to pick me up before I fall"

Your DP needs a gold star for the best husband ever award. That is such a wonderful description and he said and you relayed it wonderfully. A cold sore - it's perfect!

I wish you all the very best OP, sending you hugs and a few doggy licks from Mac the dog. Give him a hug from us when he comes through the door.

Merry have a read back.
She's already told him.

Thanks, not sure how I missed that (i saw OPs second post). Maybe I was writing my post. That's brilliant, Anony. It's amazing you have a dh who knows so much about this already. Here's to the future...

Merry, I didn't do it out of the blue. I said that I knew why I do the things I do and feel the way I feel, and I thought it was the right time to let him know. I said I couldn't say it out loud, so I'd written it down for him.

Life, trauma therapy is what my DH has suggested that I look into, so it is great to know what you had a good experience with it. I'm going to look into private therapists who can do this.

Thank you so much for all your support and advice - you have no idea how much I appreciate it. I'm not sure I'd have had the guts to do this without you wonderful people, and I feel so much better for doing this already.