For those of you who've been in a relationship for a while...

[cattycat83]

Im going by if you've talked about your future..do you think it will go where you want it to?..i.e. Marriage..kids..travelling together etc.

Or for those of you who have been together a while have you got what you wanted?

Probably not worded very well but..?!..example..
There was a clip on tv last night me and dp were watching re cost of engagement rings
He commented one was cheap and I said it shouldn't matter in ways re cost. He knows I'd love to get married.

I don't live with my dp, would love to though and have a lovely engagement ring produced!! but I'm not sure it will ever happen.

I think most will tell you that not everything works out how you really imagine it will,
For me, an engagement ring was very important, but ultimately I had to give up on that if I wanted to get married before I reached an old age! He wanted to be able to afford the ring I deserved of many thousands, and refused to buy me a cheap ring- he didn’t want our married life to start off with mediocrity. So we made a deal, no engagement ring, ultimately to be married and the rights that go along with it meant too much to keep putting off.

That’s the biggest I can share without outing myself completely, but the biggest thing is I believe to understand you’ll both have to bend a little to share your lives together so you can have a happy relationship.

I've been with DH for 13 years.

If I understand your question correctly, yes, I've got what I wanted.

I was very clear with DH as soon as we started to get serious that

1. I never wanted children and this wasn't up for discussion,
2. I wasn't particularly keen on getting married but if there were economic advantages I'd consider it
3. If I eve did get married (to him or anyone else), I absolutely wouldn't change my name, I absolutely wouldn't wear a ring and I absolutely wouldn't want to be referred to as "wife"

It's not that we sat down and had one conversation where I set out these "rules". Rather, bits and pieces of conversation came up where I was able to set out my position. For example, the point about what would happen if we got married came up because we went to his brother's wedding so we started chatting about conventions of marriage and why people choose to do different things. Through this conversation, I was able to say my thoughts.

I think it's hugely important that partners are on the same page as each other when it comes to big issues. Sometimes I think a difference of opinion about something quite mundane can sometimes be symptomatic of deeper ideological differences which might prove problematic.

We haven't been together particularly long (5 years) bur had discussed marriage. I wanted to be married before we had a second child (we were ttc no 2) so I booked a small registry office ceremony and he bought the engagement ring after. We organised it all in 6 months and had to compromise on guests because venue was tiny.

I think if people both want to get married then just do it and women should stop waiting for a grand proposal or an extravagant ceremony.

Have known DW for nearly 30 years and been married for 20. Two DCs. I think both of us knew we’d marry each other when we first met, though we didn’t talk about it for some time. Strong attraction and a desire to make it work. Plenty of love and happiness, including (though I didn’t anticipate this) through having DCs. But some difficult times too. And that’s the stuff you have to work at. It’s hard to anticipate what those will be and/or set expectations at the outset (though, clearly, fidelity and respect are musts). I thought I loved DW when we got married and I did. But I’m still only learning what true, unconditional love is. That takes longer and is something that’s learned through living with each other, trying to deal with conflict and the downs (as well as enjoying the ups!). What we/I’ve got out of it is something couldn’t have predicted at the start.

It’s well worth the journey!

And we did get an engagement ring!

Been together twenty years and largely no, I haven't got what I wanted. I appreciate that you won't and shouldn't get everything you want and there ought to be give and take but there comes a point when too much is compromised and resentment builds.

We are happy but it's not the life I planned and envisaged. DH has been very adept at paying lip service to my life ambitions whilst prevaricating to the point of quietly setting his own agenda. I didn't notice.

Everything has been "at some point in the future we will do XYZ" but most of these things haven't materialised, or I have had to force on him to the point that the magic has been sucked out of it for both of us. Other things have been a huge compromise where I have had to settle for much less in a kind of it's that or nothing kind of way.

I definitely believe that couples ought to discuss what they want out of a relationship explicitly and set out a timeframe. I also think that they need to be brave in facing it when/if a partner is fudging this.

I was clear from the outset that children and marriage was important to me and that I'd be looking for that if we got past dating and became serious about each other. He wanted those things too.

We still took our time and enjoyed our relationship, but we lived together, pooled our money as a family even though it was several years after that when we had our DC and got engaged.

I think you need to be clear. Not hinting, not waiting for him to be a mind reader and give you the big proposal or dropping hints about your big day. Be clear. Talk about your future. Tell him how many kids you'd like, find out how many he would like. What age he would like to be married by or what life goals are important to him to get out of the way first such as qualifications for example.

I was proposed to with a bottle of beer- I had a greasy face cream on, and slob clothes and my hair in a manky topknot. Am I any less engaged or loved than the woman who got the flash mob and the big solitare? Nope. Grand gestures mean very little to me, anyone can do them. It's the little stuff he does for me in private that shows how much I mean to him.

Don't settle for someone who doesn't have the same priorities as you OP, or you're setting yourself up for disappointment. It's not so important where you both come from, but it's important that you both have the same destination in mind. Talk about everything - all your expectations for life - and make sure that these broadly match up. And talk about money. Money is the single biggest thing that causes arguments between couples, so having the same outlook or at least being able to live with the other person's outlook is essential. If marriage is important to you and not to him - again you need to talk - because this can also be a relationship breaker.

Don't be afraid to walk away if you discover that this man doesn't want the same things from life that you do. It's much better to walk away now than in 10 years when you have kids and a mortgage and you're miserable and disappointed. Be smart. Forever is a long time. Ask those questions now.

I can't ever understand how people who don't discuss these things honestly and openly ever think their relationship will succeed.
That includes when your wishes, ambitions, dreams change.

Never in a million years would I have had a relationship of any duration where I didn't know what it was and was happy with that. The idea of being with someone, wanting to be engaged or married and not even knowing if this was something he wanted too makes no sense to me.

Thanks for the replies, some good ones and hopeful ones!
Think my questioning stems back from previous relationships where I guess I've been led down the garden path and it's never turned out how I've wanted in ways.
This dp seems different, is very easy to talk to/get along with, says he wants the same things and I'm going with the flow as early days.

Been with my boyfriend for 4 years and we rarely talk about the future. He doesn't want to get married ever and I'm still legally married.

He doesn't believe in it, has a good point there really!

I think when you know, you know, at least from my experience. I had several serious long term relationships before I met my now dh (like living together, talking about marriage and the future, discussing wedding venues, one even sort of proposed but without a ring and it was all a bit vague, I didn't consider us engaged). These other relationships lasted several years, we lived together at the point we started to plan for the future, etc. So by all accounts pretty serious. But they didn't work out (in fact, all of them ended up cheating on me).

When I met my now dh, I actually didn't think it was going to be a very serious relationship. I considered it more casual dating as he wasn't really my type, we were both working abroad at the time, but I figured why not? At least it was nice to date someone while I was living away from home and it would be good to have someone to travel and do things with. I absolutely did not expect any more out of it than that and figured in 9 months time when I moved home we'd probably just stay friends on Facebook or something.

But about 7 months later, we were planning to both move home and we just decided (after going through a lot there together in those few months) that that was it for us and we knew we wanted a life together. It happened really quickly from being casual to being really serious and it was actually all really easy. I think it's because we were a really good fit for each other and found each other at just the right time. Even though we had to be long distance and had years of immigration complications to deal with after that (we didn't grow up or live in the same country), it was really easy to talk about future plans. My dh is really genuine and honest and when he makes plans, he keeps them. So I think a lot of it was just down to him not being a wanker, frankly. Other guys I met had been quite eager to say whatever to string me along, but when he said things, he meant them and he kept his word. Life has panned out pretty much as we planned back then. We got married a few years later once I could move to the UK to be with him and 10 years and 2 kids down the road we're still very happy. So yes, all possible and I think trust your gut if it feels right. For me, I knew fairly early on that things were different this time around.

How long have you been together?

I've been with my partner for almost two years. We moved in together last September and we're talking about being engaged this year

Thanks. Together 10 months. Appear to want the same things, situation a little tricky and most of it has to be him doing all the work so I kind of step back and don't get my hopes up.

How can you know enough about someone after only 10 months to marry them? The lust bubble lasts for 2-3 years before things settle down & you see the real somebody. Enjoy the dating for a few years & if it’s right then maybe go for it.

You both sound lovely & I’m sure things will come good in the long run but, slow down, there’s no rush.

10 months?! I thought this was going to be about relationships lasting years!

I think it depends on age and how much time you’ve got to do the things you want

We owned a house together and had a child before I finally nagged him into marriage, he says he never wanted to get married (his parents had a messy divorce) but now he is married he's very happy.

I have a nice engagement ring, I chose it! DH took me to buy it, I tried on lots of the style I thought I liked, none suited, so I ended up with a totally different style which DH says would have been the one he'd have picked. It was the cheapest one we look too!

We moved in together after 3 months, our first was born when we'd been together 1 year and 8 months. Bought our first house after 2 years 4 months, married after 4 years.

We're old enough to know what works and we work very well together as a team, it sounds like a cliche but he will often say out loud what im thinking.

He also has the nicest arse I've ever seen, really sexy legs too. This helps 😎

The naze I wasn't saying I'm 'expecting' anything or waiting for anything specific to happen, I'm just asking if for those of you who are still together or after something specific if it happened.

10 months isn't a long time in the grand scheme of things and no you don't know each other well enough I agree, but my last relationship I was in for 7 years and know some stuff now that makes me realise it was mainly all lies..how do you ever know?..you don't I guess!

I've only been with DP for 3-4 years, but we discussed what we wanted before we agreed to be "official" and exclusive. I don't want to be married or have children, and didnt want to waste time with someone who did.

I know lots of people work out moving quickly, but I would be pretty concerned if a friend was engaged after less than a year, or married within 2. I guess its a bit different if you have specific plans (e.g. want to be married before kids, and are in late 30s so need to start trying). But otherwise whats the rush? Especially if your DP seems interested and is happy talking about future plans and not dismissive.

Hmm well I suppose sometimes people in principle want marriage etc then realise they don't want it with that person. An ex said to me 'I want to get married... just not to you'. This sounds really harsh but it was part of our break up discussion where it transpired we didn't love each other enough to want a future together.

I'm sorry about what happened to you in the past, I can see why it would make you anxious about the future, but not every guy is like your ex. I suppose you have to trust that if he says he does want that further down the line then it will happen.

I’ve been with this second husband for ten years nearly and yes I have got everything I wanted out of it and more.
We met when I was 56 and him 55 after we both had 30 year marriages.
At the beginning we were just happy to see where it went. After 5 weeks we decided we wanted to be in for the long haul.
Neither of us were bothered about getting married but a couple of years in I thought it would be nice to get engaged l a bit later on I had this idea that if either of us were hospitalised I didn’t want to have either of us turn up and say which ward is my partner/ fiancé on.
So for the very most unromantic of reasons we married in 2015 .

6 months later, I turned up at the hospital to ask which ward my husband was on!

So yes we are at a completely different life stage to you but what is interesting is my dh is so happy to go along with my weird and wacky schemes and if he. doesn’t want to, he tells me and I listen because he disagrees so rarely.

If you are on the same page in your relationship then these things fall into place naturally.

It wouldn’t have been a deal breaker if he hadn’t wanted to get married in all honesty

Thanks for the replys, all nice and positive!
I'm very happy with him and just going with the flow enjoying what we have!