Would you say he is controlling? What would you do yourself?

[BabyAndMee]

Hello,

I've been on here before for some advice and the support was great so thanks again

A few weeks ago, my husband declared himself as homosexual to me. He said he hadn't felt right for years about his feelings towards other men and that I should appreciate how difficult it is for him to open up about this. He went on to say that I should carry on living with him (as friends), and not say anything to anyone. He was right in saying I have no where else to go.

I have my 3 month old DD to think about so I'm careful how I step.

I've tried this approach, for a while now, and it is awful. The atmosphere is tense and it feels toxic. He doesn't talk abusively to me though, or at least I don't think he does.

I am receiving Maternity Allowance so I wouldn't be able to afford this house on my own anyway - The rent alone is more than I'd receive a month.

He knows this. He says "The council won't House you, you'd be classed as intentionally homeless. And they are right. You have a roof over your head, although you don't like it. You have no where else".

I know he's right, and I just don't know where to go from here. I thought I could go to my local housing and they'd offer to put me on the list/give me bidding access. I'm not expecting a property out of thin air, but at least maybe I could cling to the fact that one day I would be moving out when I get my property?

The property I'm in is currently privately rented by myself and husband. Both names on tenancy.

I don't receive any tax credits etc, as we are married and his salary is too high for them.

It feels like it's all on his terms. I don't want to tell anyone else (as in friends and family), about his change of 'heart', because that would make living here even worse - For the truth to be even clearer, starring me in the face more and more with no escape from this house and old those happy, old memories.

I spoke to him last night and asked him if he'd consider moving back in with his Mum and Dad. He's adamant he's staying put and said "You're welcome to stop talking about this now, I've told you what's happening. That's it".

I'm skint and have no money to escape this. No family will help me out this way. His Mum is the only person other than me who knows and she asked me (when I told her about it for support l), "What made him not want you anymore?"

I just want to get me and DD out but it appears I'm stuck.

Would you say he is controlling or just, very frankly although truthfully, speaking the truth?

Give Shelter a call.
And also call Rights for Women.
Discuss this with CAB and find out what you would be entitled to if you were to leave.
Start getting this out there.
Please talk to friends.
If he's 'come out' he should be proud of what he is and not be getting you to hide it like a dirty secret.
There is nothing wrong with being gay, unless this is a 'story' by him?
Could it be?

hells I can't think of any reason why he'd make the story up? Since he isn't leaving me, as such, just expecting us to live as friends but still wants me here with DC

I've been reading through my local housing priority criteria and the only reason they'd really rehouse you is A. Overcrowding, B. Severe disability making the property unsuitable and C. Domestic violence

I don't fit any of those criteria's. I'm just unhappy.

Although my MH isn't great for it, I feel a lot more depressed but that could be considered circumstantial I suppose. I also feel very anxious (not something I've experienced before), but can't say that is normal given the circumstances

Do you want to divorce him?

1. Stop keeping his dirty little secret. 2. Get to a solicitor and start divorce proceedings rolling and tell the solicitor that exactly what he’s doing, do you have access to family money? if not I’d consider this financial and emotional abuse at the very least.

The rotten apple that is he did not fall far from his rotten family of origin. His mother talks utter crap stemming from ignorance as well, she should be ignored by you.

Your H is a selfish person who is still putting his needs and wants above anyone else's. He has used you as his beard to appear more respectable to wider society and even now still wants you to cover for him. His actions towards you now are abusive and rooted in wanting power and control.

He has been dishonest to himself and to you about his sexuality and is the root cause of your depression and anxiety. These will not lessen so long as you remain with him, they will further magnify. What he is proposing here is for his sole benefit and to look more respectable; this will in no way benefit you or your DD.

As Hells suggests I would contact those organisations and plan a new life away from this individual because this is no life for your child either. You are married to this person, you are not as powerless as he has made you out to be and you have legal rights. You are also well within your rights here to now start divorce proceedings against him also for his unreasonable behaviours.

Start divorce proceedings. Half his assets are yours. He is scaring you into staying and feeling dependent on him, but you do not have to be. Tell him you are divorcing him today. Good luck, you don't deserve this. X

There's no financial abuse involved, I don't have access to family funds because there aren't any. He's pretty skint too.

On paper, what he says isn't abusive at all and isn't it just my interpretation that could view it as controlling or whatever else?

I have no money to do very much.

I just want to get out but I don't think I have a leg to stand on with the council

He is being a bit threatening. Sounds to me like he want his cake and he wants to eat it too. The situation he has presented you with is only beneficial to him.

File for divorce. From my own parents divorce I believe that the parent who retains custody of the child (likely you especially if breastfeeding) gets to stay in the house if it is a council tenancy. The other is forced to move out.

It isn't a council tenancy we are staying in, it's privately rented.

It's me who wants to try and find a council tenancy so I can move out from him

Controlling behaviours like he shows you are abusive behaviours.

He has lied to you, his own self and his family to make his own self appear more respectable because they likely would not accept he is gay either.

Seeking legal advice for your own self would be helpful to you because knowledge after all is power. He has you convinced that you are powerless and what he says goes; he is wrong on both counts here.

He is not the boss of you. You do not necessarily need the council here to find a way out. Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations can and will help you here if you contact them. You are not as powerless as you think. You state you want to get out; those types of organisations are a way forward.

Wow, what a nasty piece of work he is. Who the fuck does he think he is telling you to stop talking and what you will and won't do. As for his mum, totally disregard anything else she says. You cannot under any circumstances 'turn' someone gay, so please don't think it's anything you have or haven't done. For what it's worth, this is what I'd do and what I recommend you do. Totally disengage from him. Stop having anything more to do with him, beyond any necessary practical stuff. If you currently do, stop doing anything for him - food, laundry etc. Taking back control in this way will help you to feel stronger, as just now, you obviously feel at his mercy. In parallel with this, see a divorce lawyer and set the wheels in motion. They'll tell you what you'll get and if he earns a decent wage, you should be ok financially. There's no going back from this OP. You need to find some inner strength and start building a life without him.

Attila Even if Woman's Aid do view my situation as one of abuse, it is to my understanding they have places for women to stay whilst the council rehouse them.

This won't be the case for me though, if the council refuse?

He does earn a decent wage but works in London and his wage just about covers bills and the rent.

I can't see any lawyers, I have no money for that so would have to go down a different route :(

If women’s aid put you in a hostel as they consider your H abusive, then that would suffice for the council to house you under the domestic abuse clause. But I suspect you’ll dismiss this too.

Omg I'm not trying to be dismissive, I'm really not, so sorry if I come across that way

I really don't want to be put in a hostel. I would much rather stay put until council can rehouse me

My friend was in a refuge it was a self contained 2 bedroom flat.
If you really want out you do need to speak to someone. Talk to all the people that have been recommended on this thread and get the best advice you can instead of saying he’s told me this can’t happen. You don’t know for sure what can and can happen until you have spoken to all the relevant people.

He wants to live the 'married' life while you keep his little secret. So everyone thinks life is rosy.

No way would I do this for him. If you get another private rented you should get housing benefit, and universal credit.

I second getting advice from somewhere as he's trying to scare you into staying at home while he loves another life.

So you think the council won’t rehouse you, yet you’re going to stay as you are till the council rehouse you. Oh and you haven’t asked anyone to help with this goal, nor will you. Ok then, good luck. I’m out.

It seems as though he wants you to keep this 'secret' so he can look like a 'normal' person to people looking in from the outside.
He needs therapy and needs to talk to someone about his feelings. It's perfectly o.k to be gay, no one should judge him for this. It seems he thinks people will though.

It's not your fault and this has put you in a very vulnerable position. He needs to understand that asking you to sacrifice your life and happiness for his benefit is not o.k. This is why he needs therapy, to realise that is actions have consequences for others close to him.

My advice would be to leave and Saturday with family or friends.
If this is not possible then you need to get on the council list. This will only be possible if you actually leave him and walk out the door. There has been great advice on here already about women's refuge etc.
You will have to become homeless before you can get more help with a council house as you are technically safe at home.

Please try to talk to him again. Explain how unhappy you are and how this situation he has suggested is not going to work.

Would your family be willing to help you?

I'll be honest with you op. Your situation is one of emotional abuse. But if you refuse housing from womens aid then they will discount you as not wanting help. A hostel would be an emergency housing situation and that would be what propels you to to top end of the council list. They won't rehouse you otherwise as you will be seen as adequately housed. If you can stay there while waiting then you can stay there period in their eyes iyswim. You wouldn't be in emergency housing long, I'd guess a few months tops but other than stay with your ex, it's your only viable option as far as I can see.

You could be waiting a year plus for the council to house you.

As pps have said, you are merely his beard now. Get to a solicitor and get divorced.

You can claim for benefits, tax credits etc whilst separated and still living together. You just have to prove your not together. Shelteror CAB can help with this I believe.

That aside staying in the house. ..you'll never get up the list as your not a priority, go into a hostel with woman's Aid you are a priority and will eventually get somewhere. No-one would actively make this choice but it's the option you have to make a new life for yourself.... or stay put, get more depressed, have the DC witness toxic relationships and I reckon it won't be long til he's bringing lovers home.

The hostel will be short term....I'd rather that than staying in your position.

What an absolute fucking bastard! I don't see it as a coincidence that he's decided to tell you this now you're married and have a young baby, more trapped that way aren't you? I think he's using you as a cover, he wants everyone to think he's a nice "normal" straight guy. He clearly has no respect for you or how you feel. Hes possibly using you for a child, and for a house skivvy too.

First I'd tell him he doesn't get to dictate how you will Iive, and that no, you won't keep his secret and you won't act as his wife/cover either.

He thinks he has you trapped, show him that's not the case.