Mixed Marriage / Cultural issues beginning to surface - help!

[Louise001]

Hi All,

I am British and my Husband is Russian, we have been together for many years, 14 to be exact, met when we were teens and married for 3. He lost his dad 2 years ago and his mother has totally disassociated herself with anything british at all, she has lived here for 25 years; doesn't speak the language and is not at all interested in speaking the language nor bothering to embrace anything british at all! She often makes comments on russia is the best etc.,

I have just found out I am pregnant and now my husband is saying a few things that concern me.

I know things will get heated/tricky as she is a tough character too.

Not too sure how to deal with her/this situation and husband seems almost afraid of his mum.. he has already said we are not buying any baby bits until after the baby is born as in my culture we wait to buy stuff..

It's like a different person is coming out and I don't recognise him..

Any advice/tips would be greatly appreciated!

Thank you,
x

Is it just little traditions like that or is it something more serious? I'm Canadian and DH is South African, we have some different traditions, but we generally just keep an open mind, talk about them, and decide what works for us.

It’s not all that unusual to not buy loads of baby stuff before the baby is born so I don’t think that’s a cultural thing really. It sounds like he’s been here long enough to understand the culture, traditions etc.

Discuss things like - will the baby be bilingual, what schooling do you want, how will the child be disciplined etc - all the main stuff.

Make it clear that you are not in Russia in the 1990s so his mum won’t have all the ‘right answers’ with regards to child rearing (in case she starts telling you how to do everything!).

Just talk and don’t assume - his upbringing would have been very different to yours but also similar in some ways.

Can you try to encourage his mum to integrate a bit? It must get very lonely not speaking the language and being widowed, especially if she is getting all rosey tinted over ‘the old country’.

he has already said we are not buying any baby bits until after the baby is born as in my culture we wait to buy stuff.

Well YOU are not russian so he can start understanding your culture as well when you do buy stuff. Just put it in the garage till the baby is born and then he can paint the room and get the rest instead of cuddling the baby.

Understanding culture goes both ways. He doesn't get to decide this alone.

Well you’re going to have to buy some stuff as you’ll need a couple of packs of nappies/baby wipes/babygrows/vests/something warm to get the baby home from hospital in/a car seat/some bottles and that’s just off the top of my head things you’ll need for the first week because neither of you will be out shopping then. He’s going to have to compromise on that, but not buying a zillion toys and a wardrobe and a cot they won’t be sleeping in yet anyway isn’t too bad a compromise for you either. You just need to talk it through a bit, without his mother!

I guess it depends on what things he's talking about buying for the baby.

You do need some clothes to take to the hospital.

People buy in advance to spread the spending...and unless you have a stash of cash and have chosen what you like in advance...you may not be in a position to traipse around the shops after the birth.

You need a car seat to take the baby home. So inless he goes to buy this after you've had the baby..it could be tricky.

My hospital said they had to see the car seat before we were discharged.

There is no easy way through this, I'm afraid. I've been in a cross-cultural relationship for over 20 years, with nearly 13 years of parenting behind us now. It isn't always easy and there has to be a constant process of discussion and negotiation.

I think babies and children do bring a huge range of cultural differences to the surface, tbh. It's harder for the parent who is living in the other culture, so to speak, because they are surrounded by the norms of the society that they live in. It's very important for both partners to be able to talk about stuff calmly and rationally, and to keep an open mind about stuff. If one or both of you can't do that, it's not going to work in the longer term.

We compromise a lot. DH probably compromises more than I do because our dd is growing up in my culture, not his. We do still argue about stuff sometimes, but overall, we are able to make it work.

I think you need to sit down and have a very open discussion about how you'll collectively choose to parent, maybe enlisting the help of a counselor if you think you need to. My husband is British and atheist and I'm not British and also Jewish. We don't have vast cultural differences, but where we come from is definitely very different and my family sometimes does things that seem really weird here. And though I'm pretty open minded when it comes to religion, we did have different beliefs when it came to religion and our children and we had to sort out how we'd handle those. We did a series of marriage counseling appts with our wedding officiant and she made us send a lot of time discussing these differences, how we would raise our children, things like circumcision (normal in my culture and religion, even though I would never do it) and parenting approaches, etc. It was really, really beneficial. We were fortunate that despite our backgrounds we were very much on the same page, but it did help to work out some kinks and also to prepare us for dealing with our families (who have sometimes very different views on parenting than us, though not sure it has to do with culture per se, just that they are very different from us). So sit down now, talk it out, and try to find some common ground. Do it with a counselor if you find you need to.

Certainly, from a practical perspective, it makes sense not to wait til baby arrives to buy things. I know there are people who are superstitious about that, but you will need some basics at least before the birth. And then from my own experience, you will not have time to be going shopping for the big items right after. Babies need a safe sleeping space from day 1. There's no way we could have gone cot shopping after our dd was born. I was really anaemic after the birth. I couldn't even make it to the toilet, about 20 ft away, without passing out for several days. My dd had all sorts of feeding issues to start and had to be admitted to hospital for a week and it was very overwhelming. Last thing we needed to be doing then was buying and assembling furniture. So if your MIL or even your DH doesn't want to buy anything, fair enough, but you'll need to get it yourself then.

he has already said we are not buying any baby bits until after the baby is born
Your response..
Well WE don't have to do anything.
That is NOT the tradition here and as I'm the one who is pregnant, I will be buying what I want and when I want!
Don't let HIM dictate how YOUR pregnancy goes.
No way!!!

My dh is another culture to me, and I totally agree with PP

talk, talk, talk again.

When dh and I were going out we happended to hear a lovey talk about creating new traditions for your family, bringing in both backgrounds and also new things.

I would just say to him, let's talk about what we expect, what is normal for you and what is normal for me. If you need to then make a ground rule - I share what I like/want /expect and you are not allowed to criticise, you reflect back to me what I have said. It take a whiel to get used to, but it is a way of properly listening to each other. Once you have understood, then you can share your perspective and the other partner has to listen and reflect. Then you both give yourselves time to think about it.
eg:
lets talk about where the baby will sleep.

A - in my culture the baby will always sleep in the bed with the mum, I like this because....
B - so it is normal for the baby to co-sleep - for how long? Does dad stay in the bed (reflectign what is said and seeking more understanding).

then

B- in my culture the baby usually sleeps in a cot/moses basket in the same room as parents, I liek this because......
A - so the baby is in the same room, but not in the bed?

Also raise the issue of how much of the MIL culture/opinion he wants to hang on to or follow. I lived in former USSR in the 2000s and it was changing so fats, all the old ways had gone out of the window, so what is happening now in Russia will be different from her childhood.
Activelty choose some Russian things to be part of your new family, and actively choose some Russian things that you won't continue. Same with British stuff

hellsbells - he is trying to bring his culture in to this relationship with the baby, if the couple are to move forward they need to talk this through and work out how to do this with 2 cultures in the mix. laying down ultimatums and demands really doesn't help.

It is his baby too. If it is a superstitious reason, he may genuinely be worried about breaking it.

Thanks so much for all your msgs - it’s very interesting as seems it’s different for everyone and how to approach it is such an individual thing.. I wouldn’t want to ignore his culture at all, I embrace it with open arms, but when it feels forced or like we are doing things to satisfy my husbands mum, that’s what I take issue with..

Unfortunately on his family side there seems some slight hostility toward ‘British’ and what it means which deosnt feel great.. his dad fully embraced the culture and now he’s gone it’s his mother is reverting back to old ways. I have tried making efforts with her but she only wishes to text in Russian and doesn’t make any effort to speak English with me.. even got made a point of telling me she got rid of British tv and only uses satellite for Russian tv.. I can’t win.. she lives with her friend so isn’t too lonely..

In a sense, it is very much her pulling the strings from behind the scenes. I have no idea what she says to him but he will say/act irrational and I know he has been in contact with her..

He doesn’t seem to have the balls to stand up to her and is always afraid of upsetting her..

When baby comes along, it will be interesting how this plays out. I may need the patience of a saint..

laying down ultimatums and demands really doesn't help.

I agree. It's fine for someone to want their culture acknowledged, but it's not a game of top trumps. The other person has to be as respectful of your culture as they want you to be of theirs.

I made the mistake of making far too many excuses for a partner because it was his "culture". He never extended the same courtesy to me. That's what killed it - not the cultural difference, but his insistence that it only went one way.

it may help you OP to take the culture side out of it a bit.

So less Russian v British and more, what shall WE do in OUR family, how do WE want to do it. We have the freedom to chose to follow a tradition, do it some completely different way (did you know that Swedish familes do xx, we could do that it soudns cool!) or just find wht suits us as we go along. 21st century parenting is going to be different in many ways

Also be up front about MIL, gently say that many couples have MIL/parents looking over their shoulder and wanting them to do it their way, well, they have had their turn, now it is our turn and we can chose how we do it.

In my experience Russian matriarchs are quite tough, she may get upset but she will get over it!

I did not mention ultimatums at all.
An ultimatum would be.
I do what I want and you agree or I fuck off and do this on my own.
NOT what I said at all.
And yes I can see there should be compromise, but with the DH and the MIL I don't see this going in favour of the OP AT ALL!!!
She will have to make a stand which is what my post was about.

Sorry, hellsbells, I didn't mean your post. I meant the H can't impose ultimatums.