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Original poster

Keys to flat etiquette

31 replies

cigarettesaftersex · 31/01/2018 21:58

So very recently I gave my boyfriend the keys to my flat. He actually took it as this grand gesture (I was giving him the keys to me) whereas I saw it as yes something like that but also somewhat practical (he comes and visits at least 3-4 times a week). Anywho... Today he came (we always kind of arrange if he's coming never unannounced) but he let himself in. Yes, that's definitely the plan! But I thought he should ring the bell?? To be fair I was just partly embarrassed because I was coming out of the bath.. and he saw my dirty underwear. This is the first time I do.something like this so no idea what to expect.

OP posts:
ThisLittleKitty · 31/01/2018 22:19

Tricky one as when I had the keys to my mums (I don't know cos I lost them lol) she would moan if I knocked before entering and would say "you got a key!) if he move in would you expect him to knock first then aswell??

Original poster
cigarettesaftersex · 31/01/2018 22:22

Well the plan is that he'll eventually move in, so when that happens then definitely I wouldn't expect him to do so... I guess in a way this is "pre moving in" kind of time. It was just the first day he had the keys on him!

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 31/01/2018 22:24

Well. I have the keys to a friend's house but ring the bell if she's in. If it was my boyfriend then I wouldn't expect him to ring the bell but if it bothers you then just ask him to let you know as you got a fright.

Itsalottery · 31/01/2018 22:26

I think you're just getting used to it. My bf had a key (now ex). Generally he would ring the bell but would let himself in sometimes.

Topseyt · 31/01/2018 22:28

Why give him a key if you don't expect him to let himself in?

I suppose he should tell you roughly when he will be coming round, but why can't he let himself in?

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 31/01/2018 22:31

Aww FFS. Seriously. You gave him keys then he let himself in and you think he should have rung!!! Your post is confusing regarding him "announcing" his arrival. Seems to me u are looking for problems before they exist. If I was him I'd run a mile.

Original poster
cigarettesaftersex · 31/01/2018 22:35

Yes, I think I'm just getting used to it... And was the shock that well I was getting out of a bath, which is next to the door and he was just there!

OP posts:
saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 31/01/2018 22:36

Does your bathroom not have a door?

Gwenhwyfar · 31/01/2018 22:41

"Why give him a key if you don't expect him to let himself in?"

I presume the key is for if he arrives before OP's arrived home or something like that.

Original poster
cigarettesaftersex · 31/01/2018 22:43

Well basically the key is for...not having to go downstairs to open the main door.. yes as lazy as that sounds. And I was going to my bedroom to get changed!

OP posts:
BackforGood · 31/01/2018 22:50

I think if you are at the stage where you are giving him his own key - as opposed to saying 'Well, take my spare key today as you might get here before me tomorrow' then you are saying it is yours to come and go.

I wouldn't be giving a key to someone who hadn't got past the stage of knowing you might have used underwear that was taken off before a bath though Hmm

PinkHeart5914 · 31/01/2018 22:52

I find it weird to give someone a key then insist they ring the door bell, why bother giving the key then?

I assume if you’ve given him a key to your home, you’ve been together a while and might of even shagged/seen each other naked so why does seeing your dirty underwear matter? I’m assuming his an adult so knows one doesn’t bath or shower wearing clothing!

Original poster
cigarettesaftersex · 31/01/2018 22:58

I'm having my period.... So I was s bit self conscious about the whole thing... If I had been on a different day in the cycle, I think I would definitely had dropped that towel ;)

OP posts:
Bobbiepin · 31/01/2018 23:01

How about you get him to yell hello when he lets himself in which might prevent the sneaking up feeling. Also, its awkward the first time they are your period pants, as is the first time you're sleeping in the same bed and you leak. When its happened once, its no longer awkward. Congratulations, you took a step forward in your relationship.

Original poster
cigarettesaftersex · 31/01/2018 23:11

Thanks Bobbiepin you for exactly where I'm coming from. I know living together is different,but when you have your firsts of everything together I know they're funny and awkward at the same time :)

OP posts:
SeaCabbage · 01/02/2018 08:21

I think you just need to be very clear to him about when youwant him to use the key. I can't understand what you want either. But I think you are absolutely reasonable to have it set up however you feel comfortable.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 01/02/2018 08:57

Tiny sister has a key to my house incass she's popping over and I'm in the shower or were dye to meet and I'm running late, or she wants to borrow something and I'm in work. Lots of reasons, im single at the moment but have in the past had partners who have had keys, all for the same reason as above.
However, my house is my home and until someone lives with me and it is their home too I would want them and expect them to knock first, but then I'm extremely protective of my personal space and privacy.
Unless it was pre arranged, I was at least expecting them to arrive or was aware they were popping in I would not be happy. Neither would I just use my keys and let myself in unannounced if it was the other way round.

Original poster
cigarettesaftersex · 01/02/2018 13:00

I knew he was coming! But he was also going to the shops so for some reason I thought he'd go to the shops first and then pop in, but no it was the other way around :/

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 01/02/2018 21:08

"I think if you are at the stage where you are giving him his own key - as opposed to saying 'Well, take my spare key today as you might get here before me tomorrow' then you are saying it is yours to come and go."

I'm not sure that's a universal understanding.

TemptressofWaikiki · 02/02/2018 19:03

If I didn’t live with someone but they had my key in the past, then it’s for emergencies only. Either if I happened to have locked myself out or I was running late. However, I would absolutely expect them to ring the door bell and not just let themselves in. That is the difference between actually living together for me.

NotTreacs · 02/02/2018 19:05

You gave him keys to let himself in, you knew he was coming. Of course there's no need to ring the doorbell you silly billy. Stop being daft Grin

Gwenhwyfar · 02/02/2018 23:10

I agree Temptress.

happymummy12345 · 02/02/2018 23:21

Personally when it's a partner, if I gave them a key I'd expect them to use it. If it was family who had a spare key for emergencies then I'd expect them to knock.
When I gave my now dh keys to my flat at the time, before he actually moved in, I said to him I'll be very upset if you ring the bell, you have keys because you're welcome here anytime. (He came and never left, so we literally moved in together without actually having the big let's live together chat. It was great).

BackforGood · 03/02/2018 00:15

Quite Temptress, that's how I'd expect it to be (and it always has been) when my neighbour, sister, or Mum have held my key.

With a partner though, I think most would see the 'giving of a key' is a significant step in a relationship. It states 'treat this as your home'. Giving a key to a partner is a very different thing from giving someone else an emergency / helping out key, as happymummy says.

Mrstobe90 · 03/02/2018 02:24

When my DH and I had been going out for a few months, I gave him a key to my flat because I couldn't be bothered going up and down all the stairs to let him in.
He'd always text to say he was coming over and then would just let himself in when he got there. Maybe ask your bf to do something similar?
It eliminates the element of surprise and gives you a chance to get ready x

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