How to parent adult children without consensus of style

[MuddledMoira]

Our 2 DC's returned home after a year away, they have been back about 9 months. My DP (their DF) and I don't have the same expectations about parenting them/sharing the house with them. It's causing huge problems all round and I'm in tears of frustration most days. DP, DS and DD each now thinks that I am hysterical and have an anger problem. I have booked on an anger management course in Feb and have started to see a counsellor but I don't feel objective about the situation at home at all, so much so that a huge part of me thinks I am being 'labelled' unfairly and that I'm being painted as the bad person because I have different expectations.

I no longer say anything about what I think should be happening, to my DP, as we argue every time, and it is easier to let him get on with doing it his way. I no longer address anything with my DC which I think should be addressed/raised/discussed, as they 'write off' what I'm saying as me being mean and nasty. I simply do not know if I am, any more.

I'll give an example. DS (20) needs to buy a car as he has a job starting on Monday. I bought his first car , about £1500 and he broke the big end within 6 months and he has been borrowing his DS's car (which I bought around the same amount) since then, as she had not passed her test.

She has now passed her test and wants access to her car.

I have researched and identified suitable cars for DS to buy he can afford it himself now): he is utterly incapable of organising this himself, I can say more about this if need be, but basically he relies on me and his DF to organise everything for him, I have tried and tried to teach him/support him/guide him into being more self reliant but his DF just steps in every time and 'saves' him.

Anway, DS asked his DF to go with him to look at the possible car and they agreed last night to leave at 11 am today. I had also mentioned to DS that it would be really nice if he also mucked out his DS's car which is a filthy mess inside where he has left his rubbish in the car over 9 months. 'Yeah I'll do that tomorrow' he said. So this morning I was not expecting DS to get up say 10am, muck out his DS's car, and leave to see the possible new car with his DF at 11. His DF agreed this was a plan.

Come this morning, DS is in bed; 10.30 I say to DP, should he not get DS up? Nope, he says, this would be treating DS like a child, telling him when to get up. It becomes clear that DP would go with DS to the garage this afternoon, if DS gets up late (DP has an appointment 2-4 today). I say this is ridiculous - that DS should be getting up, and doing what was agreed. DP says DS is an adult. I say yes - with all the adult rights but none of the responsibilities. DP will bend over backwards so that DS is never inconvenienced, upset, or expected to do anything (he does absolutely ZERO around the house). DP says he will always help and support his DC's when they need him. I say this is bad parenting and is enabling our DC's to become entitled and lazy.

I then start crying - again , it's every bloody day tbh - and then I get so angry that I want to rage at everyone (and this last reaction is the one I accept is totally unacceptable and that I am working on).

DP is an easy going, conflict-averse, passive and kind man. I am not easy going, I am intolerant and judgemental, and I'm an active, problem-solving person. It was okay when the DC's were small but now they are not, it's becoming a really awful situation.

I want to flee the house - I feel like we are not doing the right thing for our DCs, and that I am powerless and disenfranchised from being a parent.

DP did say, 'why don't you parent them your way and I'll parent them my way'. I don't see how this would happen, and also I feel angry that I then get to be the 'bad mum' who eg asks them to load the dishwasher, put their shoes away, feed the cat etc.

I feel like running away. I feel so lonely at home. I don't know what to do.

Can anyone help me get clear what's going on or what to do?

My favourite new consequence for my teens is not feeding them until they have done their daily (5min) chores - so I will have dinner cooked and ready when the come home starving but they don't get served until they have emptied the dishwasher/swept the floor/moved their shoes from the hall/fed the dog/emptied the recycling/whatever....amazing how fast stuff gets done nowadays....no need for nagging...

Another20, yes you have lived my life! DP and I got on great when DC were not living here. But good cop/bad cop emerged the moment they came home. And it's exhausting you are right, and I think that's why I am so emotional. I'm beyond the menopause now btw whoever asked that!

I could go away and have been looking at volunteering abroad!
Ohhh... definitely do that.
Life is waaay too short not to take advantage of that kind of thing.
Please seriously consider it.

My DP is absolutely someone who will do and say anything to avoid discord.

You need to look into passive aggressive behaviour, it is very selfish and often abusive.

Your DP doing and saying anything to avoid discord - is very a very selfish way to live - it is solely for his own PERSONAL comfort and benefit - not yours, your DC's or anyone else's.

He doesn't do or say the "right" thing - he does the easiest for HIM - doesn't matter if YOU are collateral damage.

It is also sometimes hard to see that by his acts of omission he is falling short and doing wrong - so it is hard to call him on something specific.

That is why you get angrier and angrier - and then he/they gaslight you.

Whoa. Your later posts put a different slant on things. It's sounds a horrendous situation.
Does your ds acknowledge that he may have 'issues'? And is he working to overcome them? When you say they both came back to live at home, were they travelling together or something? Was your DD acting as his 'safety net' then?
Don't they (the DC) ever mention paying board?
Have you adequate funds and pension for yourself should you decide to get out and leave them to it?

I am very sorry you are in this position.
I have not rthft. I just got to here:
his DF just steps in every time and 'saves' him

I am sure this has been going on for years and years, and you are the bad guy bitch. Very convenient for everyone especially your husband who needs you to be that way so he will always feel kind, needed and loved when he steps in to the mess he has set up.

He sounds passive aggressive and selfish. You are his anger mouthpiece. Your son sounds a wreck, because of your husband.
(Your DP maybe had a harsh father he is trying not to be like.)

Do go to the anger management because it will be very useful for you in general. Also go to counselling to get your own sense of self back. This all sounds like an entwined family dynamic and you need to get out of this dynamic at the very least.

You need to step right back.
Stop helping or advising your children, unless they ask, and even then you could say "I am sure you will know what to do.".
Everyday do things for you, which help you for your future.
If your son is lying around in bed, get out f the house so you don't have to see it. If he does not clean his sister's car, let her say something. etc etc

As other posters have suggested, you need to make some tough decisions and stick to it.

Your children are adults now, let them experience life and learn from their mistakes.

Don’t enable them by giving them easy money. They should pay thier way and contribute to the household in a meaningful way.

Detachment, is a useful tool to take onboard. They are your children but you also have a life. Stop worrying about them and focus on your wellbeing.

Here is a new start for the rest of 2018, you worrying less.

OP doesn’t need to leave home, as the situation is not that bad and can be managed. Lay down basic house rules for the cleaning and let DH be thier maid if he decides. The rod will come back to beat his back and not yours.

Another20 you're spot on; then YES Kinddog, it is because of DPs own harsh father that he is this way. And it's a very nice, generous, helpful, hardworking way, too, until it comes to letting his DCs be adult imo.

I'm v lucky that money is not a big problem for me, I could afford, just about, to live elsewhere etc. But I do live my DP and my DC and would rather not move out!

I'll read up on passive aggressiveness- my DP is vvv rarely angry but sometimes I know he is, but he denies it endlessly.

BeGrateful, I so would lay down some rules etc but their dad will totally undermine/sidestep/save them from the rules

I have tried to say, DCs load dishwasher after a meal please. They leave it. So do I as it's "their" chore. Next morning it's done by DP because "it only took me a few seconds". Argh...,,...

Stop, just stop. You are unwittingly helping them all behave like giant babies. You have the best of intentions, so they are all taking the piss big time.

Sod the bloody anger management course, use the money and go to a spa for a few days. Come back & do your own thing, because you are a grown up in your own home that you have contributed to and furnished and should be able to enjoy.

Let them all dig their own holes for a bit and see how they get on.

my DP is vvv rarely angry but sometimes I know he is, but he denies it endlessly.

Oh he is angry - very - just repressed ....and as Kinddog says he is channeling it all though you.

But at teh end of the day you cant parent or micromanage your adult lives.

I have adult kids living wiht me,they come and go as they please,they do their own laundry.Cook their own food.They pay rent which means i give them privacy.

I mean this in a nice way,leave them to it.Live your own life.Let them live theirs.

They don't load the dishwasher, DH does, it's done. It's not done how you would like but it's done.

It's EXTREMELY important to work out what battles to actually fight in this life. You can specify that the house chores will only be 25% yours. How they work out the other 75% isn't a battle to fight.

It does sound like DS has anxiety or something. He needs support.

I think actually the post about your ds's unwillingness to buy things is worrying. Thats very extreme, has he visited his gp about it? Thats more than laziness if he literally wasn't eating because of it, sounds like he might have som3 anxiety problems.

Drives a car but won't buy petrol ! Won't go into a shop. With no disrespect to your self at that age they need to get jobs, move out and grow up !

Yeah DS might have MH issues.

But if he can pass a test (dealing with instructor, theory etc) and drive in public.
If he can go to an interview and get a job...

His issues must be v v specific trigger wise.

Because IME if it's an anxiety disorder bad enough to reduce his weight that much, involving an extreme avoidance of shops etc, there is no way he would be able to pass driving tests and interviews.

My first thought....seeing as he seems perfectly capable in other aspects of his life....on the weight loss....was drugs.

He's perfectly capable of making his sister feel obliged (bullied) into sharing her car when she doesn't want to.

I'm sorry I just don't buy the "poor DS" narrative here.

Lazy entitled shit (probably into drugs) enabled by shitty father and cowed women is what I see here.

And I say this as the sister of someone with many extreme MH issues, including severe Schizophrenia, and anxiety over many, many aspects of everyday life.

I don't think you should be involving yourself at all - they're both adults. Regardless of what your DP wants to do, just keep out of it. It's obviously causing you a lot of stress and I understand that you're trying to be a good parents - but they're old enough to make their own choices now and deal with the consequences. Just step back and take care of number 1.

It does sound like there are faults on all 3 sides - you seem to be the only one admitting to your own though whereas your DP and DS just seem to be ignoring their own behaviours.

Maybe take a mini-break with a friend or even by yourself, just get some space and clear your mind. You can't force them into behaving like an adult - they'll learn when they start seeing consequences.

So your D'S has something wrong him and you have done nothing to sort this . No buying stuff in shop is not normal .

It does sound as though DS has social anxiety or some such, but he is an adult and you can’t force him to seek treatment for it unfortunately.

His dads attitude towards his issues will not be helping him in the long run. I also think forget the anger mgmt and try and get them all to systemic family therapy instead.

I currently have 3 adult children at home plus one of my Ds's DP as well.
OP you let them get on with it!
A few house rules, they either do their own washing or leave it by the washing machine with a polite note for me to do.
If they want to be included in the "dinner" cooked that evening they let either me or DH know.
The Op's DCs are twins, slightly different relationship to ordinary siblings, my only advice (I have DT's myself) let them sort out any differences , lending of possessions themselves, don't intervene.
If they are not paying rent , I want re-assurance /proof they are saving.
They have to be working.
OP stop stressing, let them make their own mistakes, sort their lives out, let them learn if they don't do it , it doesn't get done.
You are not doing yourselves, or them, any favours

I know how irritating and extremely annoying it is!

Try at best to ignore somethings and choose your battles wisely. It’s your house, your rules but as DH won’t support you with enforcing them with DC then that’s a difficult situation to be in.

If I were you I’d not cook any meals for them since they can’t be bothered to simply unload the dishwasher.

OP why don’t you step back from your role as “mum” of the house for a week or two and let them see how life is without you. Seems to me because of your DH’s behaviour, they take you for granted.

Take a stand and step back!

and you should feel comfortable living in it. Eventually DC will find partners and

• Meant to finish with eventually DC will find partners and leave the nest. It will be you and DH so it’s more important to give your wellbeing top priority.

I think I would sit them all down and explain to them all that as they are now adults they are responsible for their own cooking, cleaning up after themselves and washing. And that if they want you to provide food for them they will give you £50 per week. And that going forward you are not the housemaid anymore that they are old enough to sort themselves out.

I would also tell them any mess/junk they leave in shared spaces will either be thrown away or put in their bedrooms.

If your partner doesn't like it remind his mother bought him to be a fully functioning adult and why doesn't he want the same for his children. And no one even you need continue to live here they do not agree.

The fact that your ds won't go into a shop is worrying.

I would sit your DH down and explain that you need to charge them rent but that you will save it for them for when they move out and they can use that money for a deposit etc. It will also give them an idea of being able to live within their means.

As someone has suggested, I'd only do 1/4 of housework. Let them do the rest and if your DH wants to do it then let him get on with it. I don't see why you have to suffer because of his decisions! And if he doesn't do a good job and they don't have clean clothes to go to work in then that's their problem and not yours. What I'm trying to say is to let your dh also feel the full consequences of his decisions.