How do I teach my 10yr dd to socialise??

[lina38]

My daughter has a phone and part of the condition of that is that I check it on a regular basis to make sure she is being safe. Fine- no issues there.

She has always struggled with friendships and has been verbally bullied on and off through most of her schooling.

What has struck me, is that upon reading her messages between 'friends' - she doesn't seem to have any social etiquette. Her messages sound needy, blunt and more of the mental age of a 6yr old.

The girls and boys clearly pick up on this and are very dismissive of her. From the messages, I can't work out if my dd is actually aware of this. It's so heartbreaking to see.

For context, my dd has had a turbulent few years after she witnessed her dad threatening to kill me. He was very emotionally abusive and as a result on that day, I fled with the kids and left my ex.

She has slowly built up a better relationship with her dad. But it is far from ideal. I've done as much as I could to help her come to terms with past events and she had a short period of counselling at my request.

She now suffers from anxiety. I'm sure this is what has hindered her ability to make and keep friends.

My only hope is that when she embarks on her new life in secondary school, that she has a fresh start to form friendships. But, tbh - if I don't find ways to help her, the same problems are going to be there aren't they?

What can I do to help her? Do I mention the way she comes across to her 'friends' or will I make her feel worse?

I'm literally close to tears as she's had a really tough few years and all she wants is approval from others and to have friends.

I always try and boost her confidence. But I think I'm tackling it all wrong?

Please please can someone offer me some advice.

Thank you

She needs more counselling.
It is huge deal what she witnessed.

Please ask for referral to therapist and get counselling youurself.

Is she struggling a academically or just socially? Ask school for help

A family therapist can work with both of you. And separately

Thank you for your reply.

The school can't offer anything. I've tried on numerous occasions but they said they don't have access to counselling and that the waiting list for any kind of intervention from family services is huge.

When I was dealing with Families First (twice). They said she didn't fit the criteria to be offered intensive free counselling. So she literally had a basic three session talk which I found unhelpful.

Although I work, I can not afford to pay for it. Money is very tight at the moment.

School should still be working (from within their resources) on helping with social skills and forming friendships though, aside from counselling.
What else does she do outside of school, to mix with others? Brownies / Guides / Cubs / Scouts / Girls Brigade ? A sport ? Dance or drama ? church ? A Youth Group of some kind ?

The school should be but haven't made steps to do so. I've tried relentlessly with them.

I work in a job that allows me to be home for my children but unable to ferry the kids around to clubs after school. I finish work at 6 each evening and after homework and dinner etc it's too late to go anywhere. I don't drive and most clubs around here close early.

I don't have anyone to take them for me unfortunately.

Focus on clubs that happen on the days you aren't working if you have regular hours. It probably doesn't matter too much what the activity is. A church based activity would be free, other costs are going to vary.

If long list get on it anyway. Get on the waiting list for therapies now so it's there in a year or whenever. If you dont tgen need it you cancel.

High school will likely have a school counsellor.

Any swimming or drama on Saturdays? Like perform or theatre train ?

This is maybe stating the obvious, but does she see you having friends round and how you interact with them? It can sometimes be a learned skill. My children are young adults now, and it’s fascinating to see how their peers have grown into the same type of social/antisocial people as their parents.

Can you sign her up for things she would like, some she meets new people? Maybe teach and speak to her to slowly improve her skills? Surely she can attend cbt for anxiety.

Aside, my mother worried about me at primary school, she worried because I was always on my own at break and lunchtime. It upset her a lot.

The truth was I just preferred time to myself, I did still play with others on and off, as well chatting in classes with the other pupils.

It changed in secondary school when I hung out with a large group, buT towards the end I started going to the library instead. Not a geek, but I just don’t need other people.

Could you try through your GP for counselling? I got some that way after my dad died when I was a teenager. School did nothing for me either.

What about Brownies then moving up to Guides?
My DD's Brownie pack used to start at 6.45 till 8.15 (after Rainbows) and she's now in Guides which is straight after so that may fit in with your timings.