I'm 24 and feel so pathetic for relying on my mum so deeply, it's ridiculous to expect one person to prioritise me, especially as I'm an adult - how can I learn to cope on my own?
There's such a lot going on in both of our lives, so I know I need to handle my own shit, but it's so hard! Does anybody have any tips? I'm shocked at myself for almost feeling jealous of my sister's 6 month old because he (rightfully) gets looked after.
Backstory: My family is supportive but very small: there's me, my older sister (now 31), my dad and my mum. I feel like I had a really promising future and was relatively normal, until I found my dad dead when I was in my early teens and since then I've become unable to process emotions normally. I was home alone when it happened, so get a bit funny about being by myself. Doctors state this could be one of the reasons I have BPD.
My mum eventually remarried, and I moved away at 18 for uni. We had a great relationship (imo), we spoke every day on the phone and we visited each other regularly.
When I was 20 and still living away, I was raped and things started to go downhill. This may be another reason I have BPD! I didn't tell anybody at first, so perhaps that's why I didn't get the support I needed from my close friends, but it was strange that I'd call my mum upset (playing it off as stress from work etc.) and she'd sound exhausted.
A few years passed and I was sexually assaulted (grabbed, flashed and chased) on the way home from work and it sent me spiraling into a breakdown. Unaddressed emotions from the first assault came flooding back and I quit my job, dropped out of uni and barely left my house. My friends and flatmates at the time were busy with partners/their own lives, so I didn't have anybody to turn to.
On a night I was eventually hospitalised, I'd called my mum crying to tell her I think I needed to come home (she knew about the second assault, though admittedly it's not that serious) and she was supportive, but on a night out with her friend. I didn't want to worry her too much, especially while she was out so couldn't speak properly with me, so in my mind I didn't tell her just how badly I was doing, but I got a Facebook message from her best friend telling me I'm manipulative, rely on my mum too much and need to grow up.
Fast forward a few months, I moved back up north and in with my mum and her husband. My mum knew I was suffering with depression, but didn't have context. I privately told my sister and she was really great but doesn't really understand mental illness, so she encouraged me to try to go back to work. during a long shift I had a panic attack and everything came out. I told my mum about the rape and how it was affecting me and she took me to the doctors. I was diagnosed with BPD, but put on tablets that didn't work for me and eventually got sectioned.
The night I was sectioned will be on my mind forever, because it was when I realised I only had my mum because my sister didn't get it. I was too frightened to leave the house so had been in bed for a few days so my sister dragged me to an emergency doctors appointment, I was panicking the whole time and manage to escape and my sister called the police. I was manhandled by the police, cuffed and treated like an animal. I had to sit in a hospital room by myself for hours |(with police escorts outside) while they decided where to take me. Eventually, they took me to a group of doctors (the ones who analyse whether you need to be sectioned) and I got to see my mum and my sister. I'd went to the emergency doctor at around 5pm and it was now 11 at night, at the time my biggest trigger was being touched/in places I couldn't escape from, so I REALLY wanted to go home. My mum was crying and begging for me to be let go, but my sister (who also works for the police) was laughing and chatting with the people who'd hurt me, telling them I'm a brat and it's for the best I get help. I guess she was trying tough love and wanted me to get help, but I was screaming to go home to feel safe and just ughhh.
I was only in hospital until another doctor saw me, shocked that anybody would think putting me on a ward of over 15, in a room of 5 would help somebody with my situation.
This year marks two years since that weekend, my meds have been changed and I've tried to turn my life around: I'm back at uni, I'm working part-time and on the advice of a friend who is going through something similar I have reported my assaults.
My sister had just had a baby the week I gave my video interview to the police (August 2017), so I understood that neither her or my mum could be there for me, and also my mum told me it upsets her to think about. However, I was still very upset. On the night before my birthday (august 11th), when the baby was just a few weeks old, I had the worst night terror ever, woke up screaming and had to be held by my mum. I told her I couldn't carry on living like this and wanted to die. She assured me she'd still try and make the day special and that I hould get some sleep. I woke up alone because she'd had to go to my sister's, as my sister's partner had text to say they weren't coping very well -- I saw on Facebook my sister & her husband tagged in at a restaurant, thanking my mum for having the baby while they had a break.
It's now January and I've been holding my struggling in, because it's painful to see how exhausted my mum is when I tell her how I'm doing. We had a mini conversation about this on aturday night, but we couldn't finish it because the baby was sleeping over and our crying was waking him when he wasn't feeling very well (24 hour vomiting bug).
On Sunday night, I travelled to leeds to attend court with my friend who is going through a similar thing (though she was sexually assaulted as a child), as I am a witness in the case. We got to our hotel, and at 1 in the morning I started vomiting and had severe diarhoea - I texted my sister to tell her and she told me she had it too, we'd all caught it from the baby - we were due in court at 9am on monday, so with no sleep I made it down. Them needing us was pushed backwards and backwards and it was really just a horrible day seeing my friend so upset, having in the back of my mind how difficult my own case is going to be and also being back and forth to the toilet and not even being able to keep water down.
At 4pm, we were told we won't be needed til Tuesday, so we had to scramble to book another hotel. I texted my mum telling her how upset I was and "needed my mum", how I was trying to keep it together because the day was not about me and also how I was shitting through the eye of a needle lol, but she hadn't replied to me since 10am.
At 6pm, we were told the case is being pushed back until October. My friend was devastated and wanted to go home, so we made our way back. I rang my mum, relieved that I could be safe and at home, but she told me she was going to my sister's to help with the baby as my sister is sick and doesn't want to give the baby germs. I asked why I hadn't heard from her day and she told me that she'd been sleeping as she was sent home from work sick - why are my sister and her husband too contagious to look after their child, but my mum isn't? They all have the same illness!
I came home to an empty house last night and am distraught tbh, even though I know I'm probably just being a brat. The only constant in my life is that I’m going to wake up screaming. I’m KNACKERED. I’m in such a weird place because I know that bpd makes people manipulative and I'm worried I'm being manipulative by telling my mum I need her?!
It’s not fair to expect her to be my sole support system, but I honestly truly haven't got anybody else and I just feel so so so alone. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place because I cant tell her how bad I feel because it 1) upsets her and 2) I'm worried I'm just manipulating her into doing what I want.
How can I stop being like this? I’m at a loss because I'm not strong enough to bare this on my own - I'm so frightened and cant see a way out - but I only have one parent, my sister is busy and all of my pals either live too far away or have their own shit to deal with.
Sorry that this is so rambly, I haven't got anybody to talk to and when I googled, this site is the only place I've seen similar topics xx