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Original poster

Tips on low contact when you cant move away please

14 replies

malificent7 · 30/01/2018 11:30

Ive realised i need to go low contact with my dad due to his controlling ways. It has affected my mental health and im finally going to get councelling for it.

Problem is, i live clise by and dd loves him to bits. I wont stop them seeing each other but how xan i creatr some distance?

His gf and him are quitr good at dropping in uninvited...normally when im making tea or something.

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Original poster
malificent7 · 30/01/2018 11:32

My sister is also coming in two weeks to stay at my dads. We are cwry low contact...think scapegoat/ golden child. Whilst i cant wait to see her new baby ( my nephew) ..im kind of dreading having to spend so much time at dad's house. He will roll the red carpet out for her. Not me.

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Original poster
malificent7 · 30/01/2018 11:33

Typos agggrr!

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Myddognearlyatethedeliveryman · 30/01/2018 11:33

If you are happy for him to see your dd could you offer to drop her at his for tea once a week while you ran an errand /gym /hair cut? Get a routine going that doesn't include you!!

NerNerNerNerBATMAN · 30/01/2018 11:55

If he's so controlling of you then what makes you think he won't be with your DD? Would you want to risk it? Personally I wouldn't let him have unsupervised contact.

I find doing grey rock helpful. Also could you be less available when he calls round? Don't answer the door? Tell him it's not convenient?

It's hard to put up boundaries, but so rewarding in the long term if they abide by them

Original poster
malificent7 · 30/01/2018 12:07

Dd is 10 and wont want ti go nc...i wont make her.

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Original poster
malificent7 · 30/01/2018 12:07

What is grey rock?

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NerNerNerNerBATMAN · 30/01/2018 12:33

It's a method of managing the toxic/controlling traits of a person you can't/don't want to go no contact with:

lindenclinicalpsychology.com.au/how-to-use-the-grey-rock-method-for-toxic-behaviours/

I've found it helpful however You have quite a lot of contact with your F so am not sure how well it would work in situations where you have so much contact. Worth considering though.

pudding21 · 30/01/2018 12:39

I recently reduced the ways in which my ex could contact me. I took him off all social media, that was a big step for me. My boys spend 2 days a week at his and every other weekend so invariably we cross paths. However we have an agreement we don't just show up at the other persons house, and I keep the texts etc now only about arrangements for the kids.

Why don't you suggest a more structured contact with your daughter? And outside that he can't just show up at your house? You will have to be a bit firm and he probably won't like it at first.

Original poster
malificent7 · 30/01/2018 12:39

Ok cool....i think i can cool down contact before employing this.

Im worried that dd we see me as the bad one...sge really does love him!

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/01/2018 12:40

Low contact often leads to no contact. The best way actually to deal with people like your toxic family of origin is to be in no contact with them. Why does he deserve any of your time; that is probably your own fear, obligation and guilt talking here. He does not respect any of your boundaries and rides roughshod over you the whole time, small wonder your own mental health has been affected.

Do not hold the rope they hold out to you. It is not possible to have a relationship with such people and even low contact with your dad will lead to your DD seeing you being verbally abused by him. He was not a good parent to you when growing up and such people more often than not turn out to be crap models as grandparents as well. He is no decent role model for your DD, he will use her simply as further narcissistic supply.

Original poster
malificent7 · 30/01/2018 13:22

It is complicated...i get hoovered bk in

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Yvonne1958 · 31/01/2018 08:36

Hello malificent7 I’ve been in your situation too, except it was with my mother. I am now nearly 60 and have finally worked out how to deal with her. I have a DS and he has a good relationship with her but on his terms. He’s grown up now but during his childhood I tried to shield him from the worst and she turned out to be a much better GM than M.
I checked out Grey Rock and I’ve been doing that without realising. CBT helped me to deal with my feelings and made me realise that I can change me but not her. I wish you well in the future and hope you don’t leave it as long as me!

Paperdoll16 · 31/01/2018 09:30

I'm in the same position as you too.

I've tried to go low contact but it results in more hassle than it's worth. So I keep on plodding along feeling pretty awful most of the time.

My dc love their GF and he's really good to them - he directs most of his conversation with them. I am biding my time but it's really hard.

Original poster
malificent7 · 31/01/2018 13:49

Thanks all.
The most annoying thing atm is that dad got together with my best mate's mum 3 months after my own mum died of cancer. My sis and i were pissed off he'd moved on so soon but there you have it.
Now my best 'mate' is like the dd he never had and she wont hear a word against him. He always praises her and criticises me.
If i moan about my dad friend says 'oh he's so good to you...' Well he's good to her too...neither her or her mum drive so he chaufers them around.
Oh well...they are welcome to each other.

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