Biggest relationship low, anyone been here?

[hoopyloopy2]

So DH has been sacked today and I am literally floored. This comes 2 months after he lost his Mum. And follows a totally cr*p few years for him and us both, with him being made redundant 3 times in a decade; losing his brother who was just 46; and a few health scares.

Reason for dismissal (senior management role) is poor performance, which he says is out of the blue (but I wonder if he has been struggling more than he’s letting on). He’s been there less than 2 years so no recourse for unfair dismissal in any case.

I am just sitting here feeling sick and very scared. In the past I’ve been the one who’s kept us going through the tough times with the mantra that luck will change & better times are ahead. But this time I’m not so sure. I am just heartbroken for him, poor guy. And I’m scared for us both financially and emotionally. Having lived through several redundancies I know how hard that was on his self-confidence and on our relationship. But this time we can’t even fall back on the “it’s not personal” argument. Because it is.

Sorry for the long post. Just can’t even believe this is happening really. Life feels truly sh*t right now. Anyone got any words of wisdom for me on how I can pick myself up and be the strong one again, as I know I have to be?

Oh, hoopy, I'm so sorry. I don't have any advice, but I hope things pick up for you soon.

I was sacked - also for poor performance (in my case, due to undiagnosed chronic illness) - about five years ago, the same week that I had to move house. I remember the feelings of shame and being absolutely terrified I’d never get another job.

I called in every favour I could think of and managed to get a three month contract pretty quickly - on my field, no-one asks for references for contract roles. Might that be an option?

Before the contract started I did some work for a friend for a very reduced rate, just so I didn’t have any gaps on my CV. any chance he could do that?

Practical stuff:

• I know there are lots of things that employers can’t say in references now, but I don’t know what the legal position on reasons for leaving is. Post on the legal board and ask?

• find out what benefits you’re entitled to.

• work out how long you can last financially. If you have a couple of months’ leeway it might help reduce the initial panic.

And best of luck to you both

I'm so sorry, it sounds like such a horrible run of bad luck; sometimes life can feel relentless.

I'm afraid I don't have anything better to add to the really good advice from Orange Crush, but I wish you both the very best of luck and I hope that things turn around for you both really soon.

Relentless it is. Just when I think we’ve hauled ourselves out of crisis mode and I can start to look ahead and hope we’ll be happier, some new piece of cr*p comes flying in to flatten us all over again. And each time it feels a bit harder to get up again.

Thanks for the advice & sympathy. Don’t feel I can talk to anyone in rl about it yet, DH is feeling ashamed and that he has let me & the DCs down (I work part time in a fairly senior role but he is the major breadwinner and we live in very expensive area in the SE). Don’t know how we will face family and friends to tell people he has lost his job yet again. He’s only been in it for under a year after the last redundancy

I was made redundant last year, so I understand some of those feelings of public rejection and shame. But I'm on my own which was scary in some ways, but there was only me to worry about, and I think I would've felt more of a fear with so much more riding on it iyswim.

In part I lost my job due to a job change that I'd instigated, which upset me on several levels, like I was in some way to blame. And then I tried to change my way of viewing it and tried to see it as an opportunity to make some life changes. And that's how I chose to 'market' it to other people, which in turn helped how I viewed it...

I'm sorry as I'm not sure this ramble is that helpful, esp as I only had the one person to worry about, but I guess I just wanted you to know that I get some of those feelings of failure and fear that comes with something like this.

But those who know you guys and love you, they'll want to support you, and perhaps give any that struggle to know what to do or say some guidance as to how you'd like that support to look (i.e. We're looking for positive support rather than well meaning pity or judgement). And, as Orange Crush said, maybe see if anyone can offer short term consultancy-type work to prevent gaps in the cv....

I wish relentless good fortune for you both from now on...

Should also have added: you’ll only be able to support DH if you have support yourself. With all the issues you have going on AND the responsibility of being the sole breadwinner, you’ll need people to lean on too. You don’t need to tell anyone you don’t want to just yet, but I would advise you talking to someone about what you need just now- maybe an old friend?

At the risk of sounding like Pollyanna, I agree with what a pp said upthread: this could turn out to be a turning point. Halfway through my 3-month contract I had a physical and mental breakdown (chronic illness plus stress) and ended up off sick for weeks. Forced me to re-evaluate a lot of things and - long story short - I’m now doing something I’ve always wanted to do. I wouldn’t have had the courage to make the jump myself.

Thinking of you OP and sending strength to you and your husband, you deserve some luck

So sorry that this has happened to you. I don't have any advice and orange has covered that pretty well anyway. Just wanted to send you some good vibes and lots of luck, and to let you know that people are thinking of you and sending support

Have pm'd you

Thanks ToEarly I got the message. It’s helpful to know others have been through similar. Thank you for the other messages of support too. It really does help.

I'm really sorry OP. What a tough place to be in for both of you.

It may be too soon for your DP to face up to it but it's quite possible that his performance has been affected by the tough times you've been through over the last few years. He would be inhuman not to have been affected by losing close family members, and the impact may have been gradual enough for him not to realise. Plus there's also the challenge that when you're out of work, the pressures to start earning again can mean you take the first job that is offered - which isn't necessarily the right job for you. Add that to the ever increasing pressure on anyone in a senior role to make an impact fast and demonstrate their value (apologies for cliched corporate speak), your DH has probably not been in a mental position to perform at the expected level. It seems harsh to fire him out of the blue. Which probably means it wasn't out of the blue, he just didn't pick up on the warning signs.

I feel for you. It sounds like you both need to take some time to regroup while working out how you long you can manage for financially (could you temporarily increase your hours to full time?) . Maybe contracting / interim management is an option for your DH but it sounds like he needs a mental break from corporate dog-eat-dog if you can afford for him to do that? More tough times are ahead. You will both need some support. If you don't want to share with anyone in RL, maybe consider talking to the Samaritans. They will be happy to listen and there'll be no judging.

Hundred, you are so right, and talk so much sense here, thank you. He did indeed take this job in a rather desperate state, as had been made redundant 5 months before and the clock was ticking. And no doubt the cumulative affect of all the tough times has taken its toll on his confidence and resilience - which are both all-important in a today’s cutthroat corporate world.

I think we can afford for him to take a short break and a regroup but it will take some doing to persuade him of that. I fear if he manages to get another similar role, that he’ll burn out again and we’ll be back in the same boat. He is looking at interim though doesn’t seem to be much around in his field.

Thankfully I do have the option of increasing my hours, luckily I have a very understanding and flexible boss. So that will help with breathing space a little bit, though not a solution in the long term.

I have a good friend who lives a long way away that I can talk to. And my sister. But in a typical male way I think DH won’t do the same. Maybe Samaritans would be a good idea for him but he will balk at the idea. I will keep trying.

Thanks again so much for taking the time to read my story & reply.

You're welcome! I wish there was more I could do to help. You must keep encouraging your DH to talk someone, it will make a huge difference. If he doesn't get some support, this will probably keep happening and it's a vicious circle. I used to be a classic bottler-up of my feeling and over time, it built up and up and up impacting my work performance but I couldn't see it myself. It took a long time but eventually I cracked and it felt like my life had fallen apart. I went through CBT and group therapy (sounds excruciating but actually it was really helpful) and it helped me turn things around. You can't change the problems/tough times in your life but you CAN change how you react to them (sounds cliched, sorry!). What I learnt in those sessions has put me in such a strong place for the last 5+ years. My career has massively taken off (and with that comes massive pressure to perform of course) and I'm a much better person to be around. It really helped me break the cycle of trying hard, not coping/burning out/trying hard/not coping/burning out etc. I hope you can convince your DH to get some help. As an aside, I used to volunteer for the Samaritans and there were a lot more male callers than female so maybe your DH can be dragged into the 21st century after all.

Wishing you all the best. You sound amazing. Stay strong. Lots of support on MN for you.