Where did I go wrong

[Ryebreadandwine]

I’ve posted on a few occasions in teenagers section and had some great advice. I’ve just had a difficult conversation about my child with a head teacher with knowledge of him. My son has struggled with low level behaviour problems from a very young age. Not sitting still, being rude, not listening in class etc. I was counting down the days until school was over but sadly he was excluded in year 11 and here we are. Things have spiralled to a new level. He’s spending his last few months at a new school and he’s struggling. I’m worried he will fail but today I find myself more focused on where I went wrong. Did I parent so badly? I’ve always given him love, support, respect. I’m not without fault. I’ve said hurtful things to him when he’s been doing badly. I’ve probably not been great with punishments. A family member told me I’m an in ineffective parent. I’ve spoiled him. Gave him too much. I’ve been Worried he will hate me. Overcompensated for his inadequate father. I feel like a complete failure. I feel everyone’s judging me. Thinking I’m to blame for him not being compliant and capable of being in mainstream school. He has no special needs. He just seems incapable of being in school.

Sounds like you are going through a tough time OP and first things first you are not a failure you are a worried mum.

In what way is he struggling in the new school?

I know you have said he has no special needs but has he actually been assessed by a health professional? A 15 year old with no special needs is usually capable of sitting still and listening during lessons. Has he been to see his GP or CAMHS?

Do you think it is an academic or social element he is struggling with? If its academic would additional support via school or a private tutor be an option?

Maybe he would flourish in a more vocational environment with either an apprenticeship or BTEC qualifications at a local college. Even if he focuses on just the English and Mathematics above all else that will help him in the long run.

If it is rules he struggles with then he may need some therapy as rules will always be implemented in school, work or home.

It is futile to fixate on whether you contributed to his behaviour it wont change the situation, he is on the cusp of adulthood and positive action needs to be taken now.

I had this too OP.
My DD was horrid.
She wasn't in mainstream school for the last 2 school years.
She did appallingly in her GCSE's
But..... She just turned a corner one day.
It was amazing.
She's a lovely young adult now.
Hopefully the same will happen for you.
Like you, she had a crap dad who abandoned her basically.
She took it all out on me and it was a very tough few years.
She works hard.
Has a lovely boyfriend now and is doing well.
Don't give up on him.
He will get there.
People may judge but you will be paranoid about this and realise later down the line that lots of people weren't judging.
So many go through similar.
You've done your best and that's all anyone can ask.
Well done and keep going!

Thank you. He’s been assessed, I’ve taken him to the gp and Camhs. No mental health problems, no special educational needs. He’s perfectly capable of being polite and lots of people think of him as a well presented and well mannered young man. He’s not great at self regulating. He’s very capable lots of the time. He’s definitely not good with zero tolerance approaches. His favourite teachers appear to be those who he respects because he perceives them to be fair and engaging. I honestly don’t understand why he finds school so difficult. He’s been consistently this way his entire life. Strong willed and stubborn. He responds well to discussion without blame. I think he has very low self esteem. Maybe I’ve put too much pressure on him. Over the years I’ve paid for private tuition centres and one to one private lessons. But he won’t put in the work at school so it’s all been in vain.

And yes, I’m hopeful that vocational courses and focus on maths and English might be the way forward.

@Ryebreadandwine I honestly could have written your post, I have a 14 yo boy who has always struggled in schools (3 different primary schools and has been excluded from high school)

Mine was also (finally) informally assessed in School for any possible additional needs and apparently he has none, they insist he is choosing to be disruptive.

He struggles with personal space and how his actions affect others, he always has. No matter how much he was punished nothing has changed.

I think my son suffers from Anxiety and possibly something else but with no help and support we are left feeling judged, beaten with a stick from the School and nowhere to turn.

He's my only child.

I just wanted to let you know how good it was to read your post.

My life at the moment is unbearable and I worry excessively for the future. It has destroyed my relationships with others and my own self esteem.
The isolation when you have a 'naughty' child is horrible.

Well, isn’t the family member who told you that you're an ineffective parent a peach? As parents we can only do our best; you loved him and supported him, you've tried to get help from the GP and CAMHS, and paid for private tuition. What more could you do? Yes, you might have
said some hurtful things to him, but give yourself a pass on that - it's a tough situation.

Hang in there OP; I hope there is some light at the end of the tunnel soon.

Failing (I’m not keen calling you that) I feel so sad reading your post. It’s such a lonely place to be at Times. I speak to lots of people who are either in the same boat or know someone who is struggling with similar issues. I hope you’ve got some real life support. Friends? A support group (not sure who?) me!!! I’m here. Not sure how much help I’ll be but I can always listen. There is a recurring theme from those who have been there and came out the other end. All of them have positive stories to tell. I think we will come through it eventually. Let’s hope we can add to the positive stories.

Thank you rye.

I think for me it's very polarised because I am socially isolated and have absolutely zero rl support. Well, a husband but no relationship left.

No one I meet ever talks about having any issues with their kids like I have. Facebook is full of happy family selfies and holiday pics.

My dog is keeping me going at the moment

It is so good to read that people you know have gone through similar and have come out the other side.

We just want our kids to succeed in life and be happy don't we?