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Original poster

Please help me to cope with this

26 replies

thetemptationofchocolate · 29/01/2018 12:34

DP is retiring very soon. He will be at home all the time and I'm dreading it. I am introverted and need some quiet solitude each day to recharge my batteries, and will not get this with him being at home every day when I get back from work.
Summertime will be OK, I can go outside and hide away from people for a bit each day. But winter...can any of you lovely people suggest to me coping strategies to help me to deal with this?
I have read this back and I sound horrible (I'll admit now I am insanely jealous that he gets to stop working). I am genuinely pleased for him as I know he has struggled with work lately, and now I am making it all about me. But if anyone feels like helping me out I'll be properly grateful.
Thanks :)

OP posts:
CheapSausagesAndSpam · 29/01/2018 12:36

Could you make yourself "an office" in a spare room? Invent a book you're writing? And then do as you please in there?

mindutopia · 29/01/2018 12:42

I think carve out a space for you and your own time to do something by yourself each day. What would you do now when you get home? I'm an introvert as well, but I don't mind my dh. I don't get worn down interacting with him the way I might someone else and we can sit in the same room and ignore each other and decompress after a busy day if we need to. But I do have some 'office space' in the house and I go there and just do other things when I need some time to myself to re-charge.

ShatnersWig · 29/01/2018 12:55

An awful lot of men die within a year of retiring. Dunno why, but happens a lot. So you may not have anything to worry about this time next year...

Surely winter isn't so bad you couldn't go for a walk one or two evenings a week by yourself? Find a hobby that takes you out for another evening or two and enjoy a bit of solitude on the way to and from the hobby? Or just, well, tell the bloke you've been married to for presumably a long time that you love him to pieces but having an hour each night just on your own to read a book or listen to some music is a really important thing for you and so you'll be nipping into the bedroom or spare room or lying in the bath doing it. If you can't talk about stuff like that, well.... and if he has a problem with it, well....

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 29/01/2018 12:59

Shatners !!! Shock Grin It's true but you don't SAY it!

Cupoteap · 29/01/2018 13:00

😲shatners

Op I think it's normal for retirement to have an effect on everyone in the household. You will both need to find a new routine.

longta · 29/01/2018 13:02

Why are you insanely jealous that he gets to stop working, do you work from home?

SadWinky · 29/01/2018 13:06

Learn an instrument and take yourself off to do lots of practising each eve?

RandomMess · 29/01/2018 13:08

What time is the local library open until, or coffee shops?

Original poster
thetemptationofchocolate · 29/01/2018 13:09

Thanks all for your replies.
Longta I'm jealous because I'd like to give up work too, I am lazy at heart so not having to get up & go to work each day would be heaven for me.

He already knows I find it difficult when he's there, when I get in from work, but he forgets. I'm going to have to remind him I think. We can talk about these things thankfully.

Thanks for all your suggestions, I'm going to take them away and think about how I could make some/any of them work. I'm very grateful for your ideas. Although I may ignore shatner's idea about him popping his clogs within a year if that's Ok with you Shatner :)

OP posts:
windchimesabotage · 29/01/2018 13:11

Just have an honest chat with him about how you need a bit of space when you get in from work. Then make your own space in the house... do you have a spare room? Even if you dont have a spare room one of you could be in the living room and one in the bedroom.

I feel your pain because I also need a lot of space. Fortunately I get it at the moment because my partner does a few night shifts each month. Before that though I did just tell him straight that I needed space... sometimes id even give him some money and send him out for a few hours with our son.
And I love this man very much and enjoy spending time with him... I just also need a lot of space in order to be at my best in terms of temperament.

Also agree with PP re walking..... long walks alone really help me unwind. Even in the winter.

ShatnersWig · 29/01/2018 13:14

OP fine by me for you to ignore it. But the question is will he...? Wink

BatshitCrazyWoman · 29/01/2018 13:55

I would make sure he's planned what he's going to do with his time, as well. Because of course he will now be doing the lion's share of the housework /cooking arc. Perhaps you can have long bath every evening when you get home from work, while he cooks you a beautiful meal?

BatshitCrazyWoman · 29/01/2018 13:56

arc = etc Blush

theredjellybean · 29/01/2018 14:00

I have to have silent alone time when I get in from work... Several suggestions.. Start a routine of having a bath, in winter I come in and get straight into warm bubble bath, light a few candles, sometimes take gin and tonic with me. Door is locked so no one comes into talk to me.
After bath I lie on my bed in towelling dressing gown for 15 mins reading my book... Then I go down stairs and am sweetness and light.

Other good idea is a dog... You can go for walk with dog as soon as you arw home.

I did explain to dp when we first lived together that it wasn't him, I just need a bit of time, at end of day on my own. So he doesn't suggest walking my dog with me...

Branleuse · 29/01/2018 14:17

you also find it difficult when he gets in from work?

Do you even like him?

Hopefully he wont be spending his entire retirement sitting in the house.

CarefullyDrawnMap · 29/01/2018 16:48

The dog is a good idea, and your DH could walk it around the time you get home, so you have time to decompress while they're out.

Yogagirl123 · 29/01/2018 17:01

Haha Shatners ever thought about joining the diplomatic service!

Seriously though, perhaps your DH may have things he wants to do, that he has never had time to do before? Surely he won’t want to be indoors all day. Encourage him to take up a hobby, golf/fishing/gardening/researching the family tree, golf is a good one, hardly see my DH or DS1 at weekends!

You may be surprised, perhaps he will be out enjoying himself more than you think!

Good luck a new routine will soon be established that will suit you both I am sure. Happy retirement.

Original poster
thetemptationofchocolate · 30/01/2018 11:18

Branleuse asked me "you also find it difficult when he gets in from work?"

No that;s not it, I find it hard if he's at home when I get in from work, which has happened previously due to him having days off from his job now & again.

I work with people and am talking to people and sorting out their problems, all day, so when I get home I find it takes me a while to wind down from all of that. I would be the same with anyone, not just my DH.

OP posts:
DrMorbius · 30/01/2018 11:31

Does he like football?
I have my own TV room. Champions League restarts soon. That's Monday night EPL, and Tuesday - Thursday European football. Then a beer with the guys Friday.

longta · 30/01/2018 13:43

I get it OP, I'm an introvert, happiness is getting home and finding the door is double locked, meaning everyone's out, brilliant. DH is the opposite and needs constant company, now he's retired he has taken up lots of activities and it's fine, he's acquired new friends and a full calendar, a bit too full on occasion. Is your DH a sociable type OP?

ShatnersWig · 30/01/2018 14:49

OP the stuff about your DH popping off aside Wink I do get what you mean. When I lived with my ex partner I had a sort of "routine" on weekdays whereby when I came home I needed to have just a bit of time on my own to sort of wind down and get out of work mode. I just used to come home, change clothes, then sit down and read for 20 minutes or so. Either a book or the local newspaper (it was daily then, now weekly). Was just enough time to switch into "home mode" and my partner understood and was happy to do her own thing for those 20 minutes.

Want2beme · 30/01/2018 15:03

Do you drive to and from work? If so, could you spend half an hour in your car, before you head home? Could you encourage your DH to be out of the house when you arrive home, maybe walking that dog? I'd say he already understands your need for quiet time and will be ok leaving you alone to recharge when you get home.

loveyoutothemoon · 30/01/2018 17:37

Is he approachable, could you talk to him about it?

Rachg88 · 30/01/2018 19:02

Hi everyone never posted on there before im looking for some advise please.
So me and my partner have been together nearly 7 years and we have a lchild together, he has always been abit of a pain to be honest like he's rubbish with money and also had problems with drugs in the past 😕 But the last 6 months have been hell hes been disappearing a lot and coming home drunk, I have caught him on websites looking for local sex, messaging women and just lying all the time. I decided to call it a day but now he's saying theirs something wrong in his head I'm worried he might be depressed what do I do? stay with him because he might be ill? or is depression not an excuse for all the things he has done never been in this situation before just don't know what to do for the best.

purpleleotard · 30/01/2018 19:26

The answer is to find him something that takes him out of the house. With a bit of luck this can co-incide with your return home and your recuperation time.
College course, Dramatics, volunteering, allotment, whatever.
Otherwise he will be following you around like a lost dog.