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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Cheating or not?

22 replies

Lovelyivy · 29/01/2018 11:34

Hi everyone, I've been with my partner for year and half ((we have six months old baby). My partner never been affectionate but always happy to give me a kiss back or have sex. We didn't have sex for about 3months now(he says his sex drive is really low). And he doesn't even wanna kiss me and if I try he sometimes turns away or jokes about me being too much. He is going out with his friends once a week and sometimes he doesn't come home (happened 3times in three months now) and doesn't reply to my phone calls or texts. I don't know what to think as he always talked about cheating being the worst thing and that he would never do that but I'm little suspicious something is not right . Even his text messages during the day are limited now (we used to text all day long)...I check his phone sometimes if there is no message on the screen and I didn't see any so far. I have no idea how to find out and it's killing me

OP posts:

Karatema · 29/01/2018 11:37

Oh dear. It doesn't sound good whether he's cheating or not. You'll receive lots of input from others.

PatriciaHolm · 29/01/2018 11:39

So what does he claim to be doing when he does't come home?

Original poster

Lovelyivy · 29/01/2018 11:41

He always says he was too tired to travel across the London so he stayed at friends house and fell asleep before texting me

OP posts:

Angelf1sh · 29/01/2018 11:42

Sounds like he’s mentally checked out of the relationship and possibly moved on with someone else. What do you want to do about this?

Goldmonday · 29/01/2018 11:44

I don't think cheating is necessarily the problem I think he just isn't interested in the relationship. Either way you need to have a frank conversation as you clearly aren't happy with the relationship. Nobody wants to feel like their partner can't even be bothered to kiss them

Original poster

Lovelyivy · 29/01/2018 11:44

Just need to say that he is African and grew up in family where showing love was bring home the food on the table and take care of family financially. His dad left when he was very young and he didn't have much affection and it doesn't come to him naturally - that's what keeps me from leaving - thinking that he might still love me but failing in showing it

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Original poster

Lovelyivy · 29/01/2018 11:46

I had the conversation so many times but he always says he loves us and wants to be with us and that he just needs to put his sh*t together but one week later he is always back to his old self

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Angelf1sh · 29/01/2018 11:46

It doesn’t seem to me like he loves you. He doesn’t seem to really want to be in a romantic relationship with you.

StarlightSparkle · 29/01/2018 11:59

My H started making excuses about staying in London to save travelling back late when he had to return to London first thing for work and it turned out he was sleeping with a work colleague. Messages can be deleted so a lack of messages doesn’t mean anything. From his other behaviour it sounds like he has lost interest. Sorry OP

Original poster

Lovelyivy · 29/01/2018 13:59

I'm worried he is sleeping with someone. I will try to talk to him again tonight about us. He is travelling aboard for a month soon so I hope he will realise he misses me or not and we can take some steps to separate

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Original poster

Lovelyivy · 29/01/2018 14:12

So I tried to text him how I feel and that is all I got

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WesternMeadowlark · 29/01/2018 14:18

"grew up in family where showing love was bring home the food on the table and take care of family financially. His dad left when he was very young and he didn't have much affection and it doesn't come to him naturally"

The thing is, most cheats, abusers, and people who simply don't have the guts to be the one to end a relationship they're not interested in any more, give their partners to understand something like this at some point.

If it were something he genuinely struggled with, he'd be committed to changing it for the sake of his own happiness. He might need encouragement and praise for progress, but he would still be motivated to make changes by himself. For selfish reasons, that would just happen to line up with what you want too.

For anyone who does have problems like that and wants to change, having a partner on their side can make a huge difference. It really speeds up their development.

I wouldn't be inclined to believe him about loving you. I'm sorry. You deserve better.

LesisMiserable · 29/01/2018 14:44

I think rushing into having a family when you'd not long since got together is now coming home to roost. I think he's checked out too but probably feels obliged to stay because you have a baby. No advice really, I don't think it's got legs though, unfortunately .

Original poster

Lovelyivy · 29/01/2018 16:48

Thank you everyone for replies ...he just got home with roses...I would so much prefer proper conversation

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Smeaton · 29/01/2018 16:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SandyY2K · 29/01/2018 17:15

You say he'd African...was he born in Africa? How long has he lived in the UK?

Honestly...his lack of interest in sex and staying out is a red flag.

You need to be prepared to lose the relationship if he's not meeting your needs.

I originate from Africa..even though all countries differ...but African men generally know to fill their partner's physical needs...it they'll stray.

Is he from a country in West Africa by any chance?

Original poster

Lovelyivy · 29/01/2018 18:03

He is from Ghana . Bern here for 8 years... I am realising the red flags but he keeps telling me he would never cheat and he wants me....

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Original poster

Lovelyivy · 29/01/2018 18:04

Been here for 8 years*

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Cubicfoot · 29/01/2018 18:20

While I’m not saying he is cheating, but if he was he is unlikely to be so open about ignoring.

That said, if he really didn’t care, why would he stay?

SandyY2K · 29/01/2018 19:05

My view is that regardless of where he hails from....his behaviour isn't acceptable to you .

He's making excuses and he's not taking you seriously.

Have you met any of his friends or family? How much parenting does he actually do?

Don't accept less than you are worth in a relationship. Don't be afraid to go it alone if he's not stepping up.....and if he's insisting on this lifestyle... instigate a breakup and that way you won't have any expectations of him as a boyfriend.

When he realises that you're setting him free...but also declaring yourself as single...he may rethink things....and if he doesn't...then you can stop wasting time with him.

ferando81 · 29/01/2018 19:09

Answer:Cheating

SendintheArdwolves · 29/01/2018 20:21

I can understand you wanting to know, but honestly, I think it sounds like, cheating or not, this relationship is on its way out. I'm so sorry, OP.

Even if he's not cheating, even if he does fancy you, and isn't lying about the low sex drive and this is just how he is and nothing is wrong, do you REALLY want to stay with someone who makes you feel so sad and unwanted? If you didn't have a baby, wouldn't you have been gone a long time ago?

My guess is (and don't flame me, it's just my impression) is that he is gay, and doesn't feel like he can be out about it. There's something so half-hearted about him "being happy to give you a kiss back" that makes me think this guy doesn't want you in the way you want him.

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