Indifferent Dp...

[NickyNora]

I have no perspective so I'm posting this, maybe to be told I'm being silly or actually i have a valid point.

Basically my dp shows hardly any emotion. Like when i gave birth. Had a MMC & had to have surgery. When our 2 ds were diagnosed with ASD & ADHD. When i had a recent health problem. Lots of other situations & just nothing from him.

He always makes out he can't remember if i try to talk about stuff that hes ignored. He makes me feel like I'm really unimportant & being OTT about things.

But he rarely says horrible stuff either. Never shouts. Never has a row. Hes almost incapable of a conversation about anything other tban day to day stuff. It's incredibly lonely.

I realise this will be tbe rest of my life & its physically painful to think about.

Anyone relate to this?

Sorry to be blunt but id be gone! Relationships are supposed to be fun, and emotional also, in parts! He sounds boring and well, as you say....indifferent! I couldn't be with someone who was indifferent about me!

Lots would disagree with me here, but I'd be asking him how he felt if you were to split.... His reaction would tell me all I needed to know!

I know it's bad form to do this on an internet forum but....if your two children together have been diagnosed with ASD, have you thought that your dp might have it himself? It sounds like he has poor communication skills, is unexpressive of his emotions and struggles with intimacy, which can be features of ASD especially in males.

Are you getting any support in parenting your children with ASD? DH and I went on a ten week course called Earlybird Plus run by the NAS soon after our ds was diagnosed with Asperger's. It was brilliant, we learned a huge amount about how people on the spectrum experience the world and lots of strategies for connecting and improving communication. I also learned (to nobody's surprise, including mine) that I have ASD myself although there is apparently no pathway for diagnosing adults in my county, so it's not official.

Something like that might have the knock-on effect of helping you communicate with dp better and understand how he functions, as well as helping with your dc.

Of course, he could just be a lazy selfish cocklodger. I don't know him.

Thanks for tbe replies.

I've done a few courses but Early Bird wasn't available here when my boys were diagnosed. Dp has never been on a course. Hes never been to their schools!

He might have ASD. I really haven't a clue.

We have split up. He cried & begged to come home. I felt so guilty, i agreed to try again.

In all honesty, i put up with the situation as i will be on my own with dc. Not able to work due to boys & forced to claim benefits. Its unlikely my boys will ever leave home. They are both in Special schools.

Family live miles away & even if they didn't they aren'tin a position to help.

So yep relationships should be fun, emotional etc but my reality is quite different.

Why did you have children with someone who doesn't show emotion in the way you want him to 😔 surely that's fundamental to your happiness together?

Has he always been like this? Before you had kids, or got married, was he the same or have things changed?

It sounds really tough, OP. You're shouldering all the reponsiblity for your boys and their needs, the worry about their future, and your partner is effectively a dead weight. Maybe the question of whether he has ASD or not isn't the important thing, if the relationship has no life in it. You matter, and you shouldn't have to feel lonely the way you do right now. You might be less lonely without him.

What would happen if you met up with him and told him bluntly how he makes you feel?

He is very quiet & shy. Doesn't speak bad of anyone ever. Goes to work etc. Not a bad person at all.

But since our older ds was born, we both changed.

I didn't need him for anything until ds was born. But i got really ill. Ds was a nightmare baby. Dp couldnt cope. He didn't support me or look after me.

Then when our second ds started assessments & it got even worse...

I think he's depressed. Hes put on masses of weight. Like he wore a 36 waist trouser now wears a 46. He won't deal with his weight. Is really ignorant about food & exercise. He won't do anything. But he's a grown man so its his choice, be it incredibly selfish.

If hes Autistic or not is not something that is a concern to me. I

If i tell him i want us to part, he gets very upset. Loads of emotional blackmail etc.

He cried & begged to come home. I felt so guilty
So he is capable of showing emotion etc.. when there's something in it for him!!???

He sounds really unhappy also 😟

We're both miserable.

Its a miserable existence.

The ds restpite was removed before Christmas. It doesn't get better as they get older, sadly. Its just how it is.

I don't mean this harshly but there's nothing wrong with claiming benefits in the short term until you're able to find a job to work round your kids. Especially if it makes you happier than you are now!

I'm a disabled single Mum of one child with ASD living on Disability benefits. It's hard physically & emotionally but my god am I happier than when I was with her Dad......

Why on earth was the Respite removed?!?!?!?

Stop. My son went to a special school. Just because both your boys attend a special school it doesn’t mean they will never be able to leave home. My son now lives in Supported Living with support workers and is enjoying himself.
As to claiming benefits... that's what they're for. Do your boys have a social worker to check on respite care opportunities? Could you ask the school for advice?

So he is capable of showing emotion etc.. when there's something in it for him!!???

Good point.

No SW. No CP issues so no need accordi g to the LA...
Boys were reassessed by SS & respite removed as we don't meet the criteria. Am appealing but need to be realistic.

One boy is non verbal & other has LD so long term prospects are limited Knitted

Both dc get very long holidays. 9 -10 weeks in summer. 4 weeks at Easter & Christmas. Younger ds isn't picked up til 830 & home by 3. No after school clubs at either school. Without respite holiday clubs & playschemes are not an option at £80 per day, per child. (10-3). Can't even imagine what job i would get that i could have to fit in with the boys. U.C already rolled out here & literally, don't know how i would cope financially or in a practical way. I have no-one that can help me with the boys.

I stay because if i can't cope & 'go under' it will be the ds that suffer

I hope your appeal is successful.