Mother figures

[elisaveta]

I've read a few threads on here from women who crave mothers, as a result of absent or abusive mothers. I relate a lot to these, as all my life I've craved affection from women who I later realised were playing that role, and I've always tried to keep some kind of distance, as I don't want them to know how needy I feel. But it made me wonder whether women who end up as mother figures know that they have (I realise you can't generalise) and how they feel about it. Has anyone here played that role, and if so was it aggravating or touching?

I had a neighbour attach herself to me. I was 42 and she was 27 and her Mother was neglectful of her.

I didn't want to play that role at all . I was happy to be her mate but that's all. I did stop contact with her when I moved as she was becoming reliant on me.

I don't like it. As Cheap says, I'm happy to be a mate but not the charged relationship of mother/daughter, which would be all
About projection anyway.

Different if a relationship developed over many years. Yes that would be different.

I've been put in that position by friends. I didn't like it. The stand-out experience for me was when I was just in my twenties and had a friend about two years younger than me who basically put me in the position of 'protecting' her from her own occasionally dangerous behaviour.

On reflection, I decided that it wasn't a role I wanted. I wanted to have friends who were capable of taking responsibility for their own actions, and with whom there was a give and take, a mutual sharing of responsibility between equals. I wasn't a mother at that point - by choice - and having the role inappropriately thrust on me - without my having a choice in the matter - felt like a real curtailing of my own choices about my own identity and action.

I stopped our friendship and don't regret it.

Interestingly, there was a niche feminist movement in Italy that formalised a kind of 'chosen' and symbolic 'mother-daughter' relationship within dyad and group dynamics, with members choosing a 'mother' (and the 'mother' choosing to be a symbolic 'mother') and accepting the guidance of the mother-figure (or the 'mother' accepting the role of guide) in subjects political and personal.

I have to say, the idea of that didn't float my boat.

I'm sure it's fine (-ish) if you and your 'mother' both know what is going on, and are happy with it. I suspect that if you go around 'secretly' choosing friends to be 'mothers', you're going to end up with some pretty resentful friends - quite probably more of those than women who appreciate the role.

By the way, I think it's useful to acknowledge that being a 'mother' - 'mothering' - is work. Hard work. And it's all about doing work for another. It is also invisible work - that is incredibly overlooked and under-theorised.

I'm guessing you are thinking this through at the moment - either for personal reasons, or because you're thinking of writing about it - but I think your understanding of it it will be helped enormously by considering 'Mother' as less of an identity or subject-position (which it is, but ...) and more of an active role, an actual labour. Without that dimension, I don't think your analysis is going to get very far.

I am also extremely sad that you feel you missed out on 'mothering' and nurturing as a child. Responding to that element of your post, have you considered re-envisioning how you see/think of your life? Instead of trying to rebuild a never-given childhood's garden in the present (almost an impossibility, given that time doesn't flow backwards), concentrate your efforts on creating your present, and your future, as the perfect garden for the person you are now? You are probably the best mother that you could wish for. Love yourself as your own child; take joy in helping yourself become the person you truly wish to be.

Very interesting - and salutary! Yes - I don't think I'd like it the other way round much, except in very specific circumstances. And thinking about mothering as work, which god knows it is, is a very helpful way to see it!