Helping dd come to terms with her father’s very different lifestyle

[Notcontent]

This is a situation that’s probably reasonable common...

My dd’s father left us when she was a small baby. Because she never really lived with him (not that she could remember) I think she was fine with the whole set up. But as she has got older this has changed. One issue is that her father is quite wealthy. We are not poor by any means but, for example, we live in a tiny house house ( this is London) while he has a very large, luxurious house. When she was little this didn’t matter but various things she has said recently (she is 12) show that she is struggling with this. It’s not like she is jealous - more that she appears slightly disturbed by the differences between the life led by him and his new family, and us. She doesn’t say “that’s not fair” and in fact claims to me to like our house better, but it’s clear that this is very much on her mind...

Well it would be! Money is hugely seductive and ime kids /teenagers are very heavily swayed by money.

He is a good dad? Does he give you good maintenance? Is he fair? Are there other kids with his other family?

Springy - I think it’s quite complicated. Yes, he does have other children. He does pay reasonable maintenance (and I have an ok job) but it’s not about dd not having the same gadgets or clothes as her siblings (just giving that as an example, as it often comes up on mumsnet) - the differences in our lifestyle are on quite a different level but I don’t think her father realises...

Is this about feeling like he likes her less than his other children because they have so much more from him than she does?

(If he doesn’t realise that one set of children has a massive house and wealth while DD has a tiny house and reasonable maintenance and this is likely to make her feel like she is ‘less than’ her other siblings then he’s a terrible father TBH)

My friend went through this with her daughter (my god daughter). Her DD is grown up now but felt a big disconnect from her father and his new family. They were the "chosen ones" the "golden ones". She says she felt like some poor ragamuffin they were treating as a charity case. Her stepmother often used language like "oh, this will be a treat for you" when offering something her step siblings habitually did such as horse riding, skiing, helicopter rides , having a driver and house staff etc. Also, because her half siblings were already proficient at and used to all these things she constantly felt undermined and a failure despite being older and so became sulky and opted out - so she felt that no one liked her. At the time she blamed her SM but can see now that it was her father's responsibility to make her feel like his daughter and to spend some quality time with her (1:1).

Her father also had some strange notion that because his second family had grown up in luxury that that is how it should continue into adulthood (funded by him) but that since his first child was "luckier than him" and had grown up middle class (my friend is a nurse) and he had had to work for all he had that somehow she should too (so no hobby being funded as a career or property provided/bought for her etc unlike his other DC).

I'm in a similar situation, although I'm not sure dds dad is as wealthy as your ex. We live in a 2 up 2 down terrace. Bits of it done up, bits tatty and 'on the list!' We are fine for money, she has everything she needs and more and goes without nothing. Her dad lives in a large immaculate 4 bed detached, drives a fancy car, numerous foreign hols a year etc. Like a previous poster says I think she felt a 'disconnect' between the two. I don't think it's helped her him talking about money a lot. He's so materialistic it's unbelievable and it was rubbing off on her. I think he put himself in some kind of unmentioned competition with me and assumed as she's got older she would choose to spend more time there and ultimately choose to live with him as he had so much more and his house was lovely. She's 15 now and is quite uncomfortable with it now and goes as little as she can get away with. It's not the money or the disparity in lifestyle I don't think, but his attitude to money and materialistic shallow comments that she struggles with.

This is so sad @justso - I think this is exactly what my x is doing - I think he is out to financially ruin me and emotionally destroy me so the kids choose to live or spend time with him - I have to say I was blinded by a materialistic life - but we were doing well together or so I thought - only when x had affair and buggered off and achieved in screwing me over financially as I said he would and then sols did the same have I realised that materialism is a False happy. Yet the kids did not deserve to have this thrust on them - they did not deserve to have their private school jeopardised because Ow does not believe in it - yet she is quite happy to have the luxury holidays that the business I supported pays for - so hypocrisy - I can't expect the kids to suddenly ditch the life perspective they have only known - it's bloody shite

How would you class this treatment of Dd - you see in my mind this is emotional and financial abuse - the Dd has feelings that make her feel uncomfortable - she's at an age where she is questioning eveRything - no doubt she must take this personally how could you not - is this a child that will go through relationship issues because somehow she doesn't know her self worth - because as Offred as said her own DF has made her feel less than his other kids - why has he done this - why has he not given his Dd more - because he would have ultimately have to have given the mother more - maybe spousal or more equity for a better house - this is where it is all fucked up - because no matter what anyone says this child now has uncomfortable feelings to deal with - perhaps the truth that her mother tried to protect her from because we are told not to slag off the other parent - or are we just meant to live with life is not fair so we all end up with feelings of somehow not being good enough - because I bet the rich kids don't think life is not fair - and the DF in this case is too abusing his Dd by allowing the Stepmum to use phrases like a treat for you - she should be equal to his other dcs -equal financially equal emotionally But the courts are long gone by now

I know what you mean, I think, OP.

I imagine your DD in effect is seeing the lure of a different life that in another place and time she’d be living in herself rather than being a visitor.

It’s quite a peculiar sensation.

A peculiar sensation ? All this child needs is a few knock backs in life when things haven't gone as she wished for and she'll see her other family getting all the "luck" and she'll start asking herself where did I go wrong - why wasn't I good enough and there follows a life full of dissatisfaction and always searching for the missing something - the something that her own DF didn't think to give her!

Op I sympathise - how you try and keep your Dd from this place I have no bloody idea - I'm trying to tell my kids nothing that has happened is about them - that their DF outlook is dysfunctional but it seems to have truly backfired and you can't hope that they will just figure it out because if this was the case abusive relationships would have died out as soon as everyone became adults and realised this is not how you behave - except they don't and it seems that Love which should be enough cannot compete with ££££

I think I know exactly what alittlebreed means. If we hadn't split we would be living that lifestyle. I couldn't compete so refused to. I just reinforced what was important, good values, family, kindness, working hard to achieve things, honesty, integrity, value education. The rest is just 'stuff and doesn't make you happy. The difference in attitudes between the 2 households are poles apart. This isn't to say however that all wealthy people have the unhealthy attitudes to money my ex has so that might not be concern for you. Are the children all treated equally? Does he say inappropriate things regarding your situations? Are you worried she resents your lifestyle and may choose to live with him when she's older?