Calling off my engament

[FluffySlippers21]

Been engaged now for 6 months. Wedding planned for 31st august 2019. About £800 deposits put down so far! Everyone keeps telling me this is the happiest time of my life and I must be so excited but every time I think about it I feel sick. Gut instinct is screaming at me to run but I'm not sure a. I have the guts and b. That I won't regret it.
I don't want to hurt him he doesn't deserve that but I've never felt so trapped. We live together (his mortgage) and have a 1DD.
Does anyone have any advice about calling off an engagement and the practicalities of it?

Do you eventually want to marry? You know you have far more legal protection if you’re married? Do you love the guy? Or do want out of the relationship?

Well, the sooner you do it, the better.

Do you just not want to get married, or do you want out of the relationship as well?

In terms of ending the engagement, I guess you tellrhim, then you cancel anything that’s booked. Be prepared for him to be very unhappy.

First of all, deep breath. No one can force you to get married if you don’t want to.

Did you want to get married in the first place? How did you feel when your DP proposed? Had you been wanting him to before he did?

I think it is quite normal to get the jitters before tying the knot. But it is important that you keep communicating with your DP so that you are able to do what is right for you and your partner, and your dc.

Good luck

I want to leave him, not just call of the engagement

I never wanted to get married, have always said I never wanted too. We were going on holiday with his family the day after he proposed and I felt I couldn't say no

How long have you been feeling this way?

Cross posted with you OP.

So, does he not listen to you in general then?

It sounds like you need to tell him and put a stop to all the wedding arrangements and let the venue etc know as soon as possible. From a financial point of view with so much notice they might be able to book someone else for your date so that you get your money back and if not you’ll just have to accept that.
I’m getting married soon and despite my DP driving me mental at times I’m confident it’s the right decision.
In the long run it’s kinder to him too as he can find someone who really wants to marry him.

OK then, well, first thing is - figure out where you and dd are going to go and the practicalities of splitting up. Then you tell him. Then you go. It's not going to be a pleasant or easy thing to do, but you're not trapped .

Speaking from experience, if that's how you feel, then call it off. I'd been with my ex about 9 years, never really loved him, but went through the motions anyway. We were engaged in 2008 and due to marry in late 2009. I knew it was wrong. I bought a dress (which I still have now, sitting alongside my actual wedding dress), we sent out invites and booked a county manor. After having my head turned in 2008, I called everything off in June 2009. My hen weekend became a separation party, and that year I committed to my now DH who I have been with since. Calling off the wedding and the relationship was THE BEST thing I could have done. I did not love him which was not fair on him or me.

Losing £800 deposits is a lot cheaper than getting divorced!!

I am surprised he didn't realise you didn't really want to get married when you set a 2 year engagement!

I know it feels so scary and you must be sick with worry, but it is far better to sort this out now. Every day you leave it, the harder it will get.

Do you own your property together? He will need to give you 15% of his net pay for your DC. Will you manage financially? Will friends and family help?

If you havr doubts, you need to call it off. You will regret it if you dont.

£800 is nothing compared to the cost of a divorce, minimum £550 (I think to file) before solicitors fees.

If you own a house is it in joint names?

Gut instinct is usually right but why not see a counsellor to talk through your fears.Its natural to feel fear but actually once you start the process it becomes less daunting.

List the reasons why you want to leave, it can be very powerful when you have doubts.

OP, your gut is talking to you. You need to listen and yes, call it off.

I had this feeling too - it led to much anxiety, partly because I couldn't really articulate what I was feeling or why I didn't want to get married. I did it in the end - not very kindly because I'm useless at talking about feelings - but I felt so relieved afterwards because it was absolutely the right decision.

It won't be easy for you but you must be true to yourself. Otherwise a whole lot more pain and grief lies ahead.

Please, please end it now. You know you should. Don't waste any more time. There is no shame at ALL about ending an engagement.

Listen to your gut and do not worry about what anyone else thinks. This happened to my two best friends.

One listened to her gut. Called off the wedding and split up. Moved out of flat (rented) etc. 8 years on by her own admission she is the happiest she has ever been.

Other friend stayed. By the time the wedding came round she said she knew she should t have done it but didn't call it off. Things didn't improve. She has just got divorced after 5 years. She is so angry (mainly at herself) at how much time has been wasted being unhappy and worrying about what others may think.

Good luck

I was engaged to be married the year I met DH. We met in the March, I was due to be married in the June. Booked, paid for, dress bought etc. I loved my fiancee, but the moment I saw DH I knew he was the one. And I knew that if I felt that way about another person, it was wrong to stay with my fiancee.

DH and I will have been married 30 years this year. Go with your heart, if it's not right, don't do it.

I’d rather lose the money than commit to an unwanted marriage.
I knew I’d made a mistake by the evening of my wedding day. It cost me more to get divorced and the fallout was hideous.
If you don’t want it cut your losses and move on.
One of my family members backed out of their wedding at the last minute and had never regretted it.
It’s a cliche but Life is too short to settle for anything less than what’s right for you.

All I can say is that I used to have nightmares when I was a child about being made to marry someone I didn't love. So, in your position, OP, I would cut and run.

OP, been there, done that, lost a shitload of money that were only mine. (Around £3000 perhaps?)

Best thing I've ever done! 1,5 years later I am finally in the right relationship with an amazing man!

Listen to your gut it's telling you all yu need to know. I wish i had wouldve saved me years of abuse and depression. Although i wouldn't have my two beautiful now grown children without the nightmare my marriage was. So something good did come out of it.

Thankyou so much everyone 🌺

I had to call off a wedding but that was decades ago and I didn't have a DC.
It was about 6 months before it.
It was pure hell for a couple of months.
Like you, I only agreed to it all so I didn't let other people down.
Do it now.
Before it goes any further.
The relief is huge.
The weight that lifts from your shoulders.
You owe it to yourself to do this.
Like a plaster - just rip it off.
Everyone will get over it soon enough.