How to go LC with my sister without my mum guilt tripping

[pandarific]

I’ve posted about my sister before. She has some kind of undiagnosed mental condition, and is horrible to be around. I’ve just spent 2 nights in a very nice hotel with her and my mum for my mums birthday and she’s managed to make it awful, and I can’t wait to get away.

I saw them at Christmas too, and again, it was awful. My mum guilt tripped yesterday about ‘nobody supporting her’ with my sister’s abusiveness - the fact is that until my mum forces her to move out, no one can help her. I have sent her info on resources etc but have also recently made it clear - when it was suggested that rather than Christmas we have a family intervention - that I simply do not want to be involved. She’s my sibling, not my child.

I’m done, I’ve got nothing left to give my sister. I could deal with her being in some way intellectually disabled if she was a nice person, but she’s really not. I’m sorry to say it, but she’s astonishingly selfish, completely self obsessed and vile about anyone who doesn’t pander to her demands - she keeps saying things about how horrible my husband is, for example - she attributes anything I do that she doesn’t like, generally distancing myself from her, telling her ‘no’ when she’s demanded something, as his influence poisoning me against her.

I just can’t cope with it any more, it’s so exhausting. I try and try, I think ‘maybe it won’t be so bad this time and my mum wants me there’ so I go, and then I end up spending hundreds of pounds to frankly wish I was anywhere else.

I need to go LC, but my mum will guilt trip and try and involve me in the future again. How do I do it subtly and sensibly, to give myself some peace?

Op my family is also deeply dysfunctional. When I was pregnant with dd my parents tried to get me to agree to my mum coming over to stay "to help" (I was also living in a different country at the time) - this would have caused extra stress not relieved any, my mum is I suppose relatively ok (the original suggestion was both parents, my fathers a violent alcoholic who at that time was still drinking! When I put my foot down on that score their idea of a compromise was mum only) she's not violent or obviously abusive but she does enable my dad and she's a martyr type and any stress/worry would have ended up all about how it was affecting her. Ultimately the right decision as I ended up with an emcs and dd in scbu and frankly it was bad enough just dealing with "what a worry it is" on the phone! If I could have without causing ructions I'd have rather had my then mil over! She's lovely and a very practical type who would have genuinely been a help.

I'm Nc with my sister who is a nightmare. Over the years I've been at various points lc and Nc. Previously I gave in to pressure (like you mainly from mum) to be in contact again. Not this time, yet another assault and another vile torrent of verbal at a very stressful time for the whole family...she was making it all about her...no! That was my "enough is enough" point. Not only with my sister but in telling family I was done with her and not to try and talk me out of it. On this particular occasion mum witnessed (which she hadn't before and my sister had given it all "she's exaggerating") which sister certainly didn't plan on! So that combined with my definitive tone meant mum realised I meant business.

Personally I think from all you say, you'd be better with a clear Nc with your sister. Your mum can visit you, and if SHE CHOOSES to let sister stay living with her and mugging get off then when you visit mum you stay either with your dad or in a cheap Airbnb or something and only see your parents. That would be much less stress for you AND enable you to be clear with your mum that you want nothing to do with sister and won't countenance her acting like a flying monkey, discussing sister with you or you with sister. Clear boundaries really help in these dynamics and with people like this.

Seems clear to me your mum is very much playing gc/scapegoat herself.

Think it's been about 5 years for me. The peace is wonderful! Not only in not actually having contact but in not hearing about the latest drama/crisis! Other people have normal life events, not my sis (and I suspect yours the same) no, her kids never have just colds it's "suspected meningitis", she's never just a bit skint she's "about to be made homeless", she's never just unlucky "X has it in for me"... You get the idea. She's in her 40's, doesn't live at home (at the moment she most recently moved out of parents just a few years ago) but parents constantly bailing her out financially, hasn't managed to hold down a job, relationship or even friendship for more than about 2 years max.

I agree the pressures being put on you because you're the easier one to manipulate. That's not fair and it's not on!

Perhaps think of it as good practice for becoming a mum - because more often than should be the case you'll have to be assertive for your child.

Good luck with it all.