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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need a massive handholding

17 replies

Fightingthrough · 28/01/2018 09:46

Hi everyone,
Last night I ended my relationship. For the 5th time. The police got called after he stormed off threatening to take his own life and took a large kitchen knife with him, but not leaving until he had walked towards me with it in his hand really distressed. He then went outside and threw the knife through the kitchen window at me. I live on ground floor and large window was open for the cat. I have not slept and he requested I pack a bag for him which I did and left for him outside.

I am scared of him now. I need handholding as I know this isn't over. He will be back at some point for the rest of his things.
I ended our relationship before because of him not paying equally towards the bill, being verbally abusive, calling me names and attempting to break things, storm off shutting doors and intimidate.

What he tells his family is very far from the truth and his account is always innocent.
He reads my private stuff and looks through my phone.

I know he sold me an idea of him 2 years ago and I was quickly mesmerized by him. But I need to realise that the abuse escalates every time we get back together.
I know he will search through mumsnet to find this thread and I know he will try and manipulate me into taking him back. I won't do that and have blocked him, but I am scared of what he might do as I have taken his free resources away and with it my affection.

OP posts:
booqueue · 28/01/2018 10:46

Is there anywhere safe you can go to? Do you both own/rent the property?

Hand hold I'm sorry you're going through this. Don't let him talk you back. You have to leave, now. Thanks

Original poster
Fightingthrough · 28/01/2018 11:15

Thank you for your reply booqueue. I rent the flat and it is in my name. I know he is on his way to family but not sure for how long for. In the past he has been able to talk his way back. I am such a fool. I know abusive behaviour but it really confused me this time and he claims I trigger and start the arguments and I am to blame. He turns things on me then tells me he loves me, in the next sentence he is hurling me with belittling remarks and statements. Then tells me he loves me, all in one go making me really confused. The police has been round twice last night and I am frightened of the future and I know full well that just because I have ended it the abuse hasn't. Have tried calling woman,s aid but I never get through as the are busy with other callers. I really feel stupid and very much alone.,

OP posts:
LucyMorningStar · 28/01/2018 11:21

I could have written same post some 10 years ago. Here I am though still with him regretting I didn't use my ticket to get out when I had a chance. Now after havinh a child with him it's near impossible to get out.

What I am trying to say, this is your chance to change your life and your future. Use it.

Original poster
Fightingthrough · 28/01/2018 12:05

LucyMorningStar I am sorry to hear you are in this position. It's horrible and so confusing since he is so loving but so horrible too. No accountability or sense of responsibility. I feel I need to talk to family but know I will get " I told you so" I have let everyone down by sticking to his words and I am drained.

I hope you find a at LucyMorningStar Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Fightingthrough · 28/01/2018 12:06

That meant to read I hope you find a way out Flowers

OP posts:
LucyMorningStar · 28/01/2018 15:14

Thank you.

The more you disclose the more your story sounds like mine. He can also be oh so charming one minute and terribly cruel the next. I am too very confused. So take it from someone who has been in very similar shoes, take this way out while you can

ReginaBlitzkreig · 28/01/2018 15:30

You have done a positive thing, try and stick to it.

And really, does it matter who is 'to blame?' Even if you were a horrible person and to blame for absolutely everything, you don't owe your ex a relationship.

The fact is that the relationship is not good and you want to end it. Let you ex argue all he likes, as long as that simple fact remains true then there is no point getting back together and lots of reasons not to.

Original poster
Fightingthrough · 28/01/2018 17:47

I have had messages where he is apologising and wanting to talk. I have been here so many times before with him and I am not going to speak to him this time round. He has told me that he broke his ex furniture and door and justified those actions. him throwing the kitchen knife at me last night was enough for me and I am not volunteering to be his personal outbursts pincushion and i refuse to trod on eggsheals around him. But believe me i am devastated and generally numb.

OP posts:
DotCottonDotCom · 28/01/2018 17:52

What happened with the police OP?

Original poster
Fightingthrough · 28/01/2018 18:01

They came round to speak to me about what happened, then went to speak to him when they finally found him and returned to me yo take a statement. I know this will not go anywhere and I feel sorry for him

OP posts:
DotCottonDotCom · 28/01/2018 18:19

Throwing a knife throw a window, and seeing how much risk you are in, I’m surprised they aren’t providing or signposting further support

Original poster
Fightingthrough · 28/01/2018 18:29

I don't know what steps they are taking but they didn't arrest him. My worry is once he is back in town he is going to request his things and be abusive because I am not complying anymore.

OP posts:
Addy2 · 28/01/2018 18:29

Don't feel sorry for him. He is abusive, you need to focus on your own needs and safety. He may act upset, but we tend to underestimate exactly how manipulative some people are capable of being. It's an act designed to get his emotional punchbag back, don't fall for it again. Hand hold for you. Flowers

Addy2 · 28/01/2018 18:30

Also, are there any friends or family members who could stay with you? Or return his stuff to him for you?

welshcake82 · 28/01/2018 18:37

I'm sorry you're going through this. If the police don't or won't do anything you should consider applying to the family court for a non molestation order. I believe you would have grounds based on what has been happening. Any family solicitor will do this for you and if you are on a low income or benefits you will get legal aid. If not, you may need to pay a solicitor or you can apply yourself if you feel confident with paperwork. There is no court fee. Or ring NCDV for help. And keep trying women's aid. Good luck

Original poster
Fightingthrough · 28/01/2018 18:44

Thank you welshcake82 I was given a paper with the usual numbers by the police. @ Addy2, no family around in my area but when speaking to them on the phone today they were brilliant. I will see if I can take the stuff to his friend. Thank you all. I am dreading tonight and the future.

OP posts:
Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 28/01/2018 19:13

Flowers op...been there, got out. There is a good life waiting for you outside of him

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