Depressed and pushing everyone away

[Mentalmum91]

So I am 20 weeks pregnant with number 3. Previously suffered Pnd after my last little one was born and had severe depression about 8 years ago. (both times medicated) Through a bit of reflection over the years I believe this is linked to repeated sexual abuse as a child which I never really got help for. Which I think has also translated into really awful relationships with men over the years. I can't trust them so generally make it impossible for them to be with me. Problem is now I am pregnant and not coping. I am back on sertraline as I couldn't cope off it but it's not helping. Only the thoughts of my two children stopping me from doing something awful. On top of this I have just moved jobs to get away from the stress of old one, (this one is just as stressful) have pushed partner away so much (literally telling him it's over) that I believe he will probably hate me forever. He is a great man but I don't think he at all understands the whole thing and last time I was really down for a few days just appeared irritated that he couldn't bring me out of it. Which I guess is maybe why I'm pushing him away. We're not really together at the minute and I know I should reach out to him but I just can't. And I don't want to tell my family as they already worry so much about me. Im such a mess. Why am I pushing everyone away!? Even friends who want to help I keep pushing away. My friend wanted to come up tonight and just sit with me so I'm not alone as she knows I'm not coping well and I told her to go away. I am being a shitty mum at the minute too. Im so grumpy and cross with them. I love them so so much but I just keep thinking if I just disappeared would it be the worst thing in the world? I feel like I need to just talk but don't know who to anymore. I know deep down that lots of people love me but I've never felt so alone in my life. Has anyone else felt this way? Please tell me it gets better

Your not alone! You have so much on your shoulders right now. I have been through a similar experience and the place your in right now you think no one could possibly comprehend. You won't always feel this way, this too will pass. Your baby's will always love you unconditionally remember that! Take a step back and concentrate on what YOU want, not what you don't want. Good luck, and give your friend a call let her sit with you. She sounds like a keeper 💕

Thanks busymum, I wish I had it in me to see her today. I literally didn't get out of bed until 5pm. (kids are at their dad's) I guess I just want someone to come in and make it all better and know there's no one that can :(

Go back and see your gp, perhaps you need to up your dose? I've have had and currently suffering with 2nd episode of pnd and just upped my dose of sertraline. Could you ask them to refer you for talking therapy? I know you don't want to but do speak to family and friends. Even if it's just to moan or over the phone if you don't want to see them. Or use this thread just to offload. Your friend won't care if you're in bed or not dressed yet! I have also told my husband to leave whilst pregnant and whilst having pnd. Thankfully he just ignored me and encouraged me to get help which I did with the gp.

I know hiding under the duvet seems like the safest place to be. I still sometimes struggle but I now have twins which I think even on a good day can be a challenge. Finding the correct medication for you is a must. Or even just finding the right friend to talk to. My forever friend, I call her this as she has seen me at my very worst! She used to sit and watch me eat as she obviously saw what a mess I was and saw I wasn't looking after myself. She's priceless. She promised me that I wouldn't always feel the way I did. She was right.
I hope you find the courage to be brave and face your depression as I found that the only person that could help me, was me. Just remember you are not alone and there is always someone to help. 😊

Thanks ladies, I managed to get out of bed today and do a bit of cleaning which is a start. Also spoke to my friend who is great. Going to go to partners/exparters house in an hour or so. Depending on his reaction I might just lift some stuff and leave or maybe chat. I guess it depends how angry he is. I was really horrible to him. Wish me luck anyway! Definitely need to book in with doctor this week and see what she says about meds. I really don't want to take risks with the baby by having too high a dose :/

Hey how did it go? Good I hope 🤞

Yeah busymum it went as well as can be expected. I think from his point of view it is over as we can't agree on anything (that's a whole other story in itself) so I just have to get on with it. Picked up the last of our things and left. I do only have myself to blame for that one but although I feel ok now I do imagine that I will struggle the rest of pregnancy alone.

Hey you. Sorry to hear it want that great when you went around. Maybe take this opportunity to have them friends around? Let them take care of you for a bit, maybe when you feel a bit better and a little stronger have another conversation with him?
Did you manage to book in at the doctors? Just remember to them babies you are everything I know it's hard but it will get better x