My secret. Not sure where it belongs

[Somesunplease]

Nc for obvious reasons.
When I was 21 I was raped and i got pregnant. Ive been tbinking about it a lot recently I'm not sure if it's because of national press raising awareness. At the time I was raped My mum was terminally ill so i felt I couldn't tell anyone.i had a termination In secret a few months later My mum died. Life was bloody awful for a long time. I met my ex . .. turns out he was infertile aswell as a violent nasty bastard. We had ivf and I got pregnant twice. I then had 2 miscarriages... the first on mother's day where i spent the whole weekend in tears in the bathroom in pain not knowing what was going to happen next. I was only 9 weeks. But it was awful. He still wanted to have sex with me. It's disgusting.
I eventually left him. I am very happy now 3 years later. It still makes me sad to think about those babies. No babies for me now.
I just needed to write it down.

Hugs to you. I read it and I'm thinking about you. Are you really sure you won't have any more children? It sounds as though you are still young. Either way you can still have a very fulfilling life full of love. I'm sure you will. You're a trooper.

Awwww op don’t say that . Ofcourse you will have babies , it’s never too late and there are good men out there. People who do wrong to others are just insecure individuals and their don’t have peaceful life. Be strong and don’t loose hope .💐

Sending you a big hug and some 💐. You’ve had some awful things happen to you, how wonderful that despite those events that you are now so happy. That shows an incredibly strong character and you should be very proud of yourself for coming through the other side. You sound as though you are now in a good place and I would say absolutely normal to grieve over what might have been. All the very best to you.

You have had such a lot to contend with. You must be a very strong person to have come out the other side.

How old are you now Somesun?

I'll go against the grain here.... and say that although your life is better now, this is clearly still affecting you deeply.
My heart goes out to you. You made the only decision that made sense to you at the time - to terminate a pregnancy that resulted from your rape.
I don't think for one second you should feel badly about that decision.
But you sound very mixed up. (I know I would feel that way too in your shoes.)
Why no more babies?
I think that's the question you need an answer to, but also that you won't find it here.
Please find the strength to see your gp, or call
Rape Crisis

Helpline: 0808 802 9999 (12-2:30 and 7-9:30)

rapecrisis.org.uk
I really think you need some help to work your way through your doubts and worries.
I hope that helps you.

Thanks everyone. I'm not sure why I've been thinking about it so much. It was 18 years ago. A long time but still seems like last week. I have gone through the menopause early so It would be impossible for me to have children. Seems a cruel world.
When I read all the stories on here about people needing/wanting to leave abusive relationships I just want them to know they can do it. And find happiness in the future.

Sometimes it all just rears its ugly head. I do think because of the #metoo movement it's probably making a lot of people think about things that have happened.
Have a lovely Sunday all xx