He said I was nagging him on Friday night

[agacia]

Hi,

My boyfriend and myself had some difficulties in communication last month and we had a very good clear conversation 1 week ago when we met face to face. I lack his compassion and empathy during 9 month long relationship but though we can work around it and do some work to fix it.
We don't speak every day and we are 100miles away. It means we see each other some weekend. I have 2 kids

i just think if someone’s bothered he would have sent a quick text to say I’m out but we’ll chat later, simple and then that manages your expectations.The problem I had with my ex, him not responding and ignoring me triggered a gut feeling that he wasn’t bothered and I felt he was with someone else when he didn’t respond.I never set out to be needy.Once he had phone off and wasn’t answering his landline but we were meeting for a French class and I just knew he was having drinks after work, he said got stuck at work, I asked him why so late then got really defensive and angry called me needy and controlling.Next time I saw him and I liooked at his phone and wow there was the evidence, he was texting a female and arranging drinks and I had been right.There is always a reason a man ignores your texts and it’s usually not good and sorry yes it means he’s not bothered.Back off and become less available.

I’m sorry. I think that any kind human beings, friend or partner would at least respond and say “I’m sorry, can’t talk, sorry you’re feeling lonely, will call you tomorrow, chin up” or something along those lines

It’s just standard behaviour. If someone turned their phone off when I clearly needed a shoulder to turn to I would think they were a total aresholes.

He’s made it clear that his life is ok without you in it, and he’s his own priority.

I would just move on from this. You’re just not compatible. I know that I need reassurance from people and I struggle with self esteem. So if someone can’t see that and be there for me it’s just going to make me feel worse

A few issues;

1. Feeling lonely.

1. Bugging him about it.

1. Him ignoring you.

He should care and shouldn’t ignore you but what is the point in phoning and texting repeatedly?

You phoned his fixed line and he didn’t answer, you phoned his mobile and he didn’t answer.

At that point you should have realised that he wasn’t available (for whatever reason) and maybe called a friend or sibling.

You would then have been perfectly fine to be sad that he wasn’t available, if it is a pattern where he is generally unavailable it’d be perfectly rational to think ‘what is the point in this relationship?’

But what you did was pester him and get annoyed. If he does care but was just not available then this will rightly have pissed him off and made him feel you are annoyingly needy.

If he was deliberately ignoring you then no matter how many times you pestered him he was never going to respond because you can’t make him be interested in your feelings by pestering and pestering.

I'm sorry but your behaviour would have pissed me off too, he's not responsible for your happiness.

Why are you sending your CV to his friends?

Why is he responsible for getting you set up in a new job?

You shouldn't want a man to take care of you! You are (I assume) a grown woman who can and should take care of yourself. Take control of your own life and your own happiness. Don't ever rely on a partner to make yourself happy as that is a recipe for disaster. If you're having so many issues after such a short time together it just isn't worth it. Sack him off.

Oh my god you are two completely different and unsuited people. He lives 100 miles away.
Bin him off now and find someone nearer who is more on your wavelength.

Blimey. This is hard to follow. You sound needy and he doesn’t care. Not compatible at all. You need to walk away from this

I am back to share what has happened in the meantime. I have realised I fell in love with him around that time Jan/Feb and carried on for some time seeing him 1-2 times month. It was not the same though. Lots of problems mainly communication related. I have made a discovery one night - HE MUST HAVE THE ASPERGER! IT ALL FELL INTO ONE PIECE TOGETHER.
At that stage I thought I could work around the problems as I found the root cause - so misleading! I could not do it on my own and was lacking his understanding and approval to get help from outside :-/
At some point I took this brave decision to split up - I could not bear being ignored by him when he was feeling hurt cos I wanted to understand more about his way of thinking to find the way out...He is so beautiful person but at the same time so difficult to have a feeling he is "on board" and engaged into relationship.

He was trying to make sure I was OK by texting me after the split up. I was most of the time ignoring his texts for over 2 months (responding briefly ' I am fine thanks, hope you are ok' ) but at some point I could not handle it anymore as I was missing him so much! I texted him back.

It was a month ago. We started seeing each other for a half day each week. I stopped chasing his Asperger's but same problems revisited us. I hurt him by saying loud my doubts, my expectations, my feelings. The only feelings he can handle are feelings of love. Nothing else! He goes into his switching-off mode.

I have more respect to myself I think now and try to work it out for both of us and not only for him. I am determined to get a relationship I need and want - not only spend my free weekends with him only but share more during any weekends or weekdays while we are together or separate. It has never happened cos he was never 'ready'. That is my strong feeling for family/friends spent time together. I really want to make that point across because if I have to chose something from that relationship it is key to the whole point of the relationship. That means I follow my heart and arrange for weekends spent with others without isolating him but giving a choice to join in. It is also my self defence coming on the surface where I do not want to get too close to him I am afraid. We had plans for weekend together and having that in mind I arranged other weekend where he was welcome to join but that also meant I had MY PLANS for the weekend which did not include him as a central part. That hurted him.
That is why I got a card from him to say it is too much pain for him to see me not progressing and being stuck. He does not want to meet up again! It is sad news as the evening before he mentioned about sending me a card sharing his feelings but obviously I did not expect THAT! Last night we were booking hotel for coming weekend. I was thinking 3.5h drive is worth to spend this WE with him and in a relaxed environment things can progress in the right direction.
I have sent him a text about getting the card today and being confused. No strong words. He read the text and did not respond. A couple of hours later I ranged and left the message to call me when he can- no answer.
I think I need to accept that it is not gonna work and try to sort out myself and maybe at some point enjoy life. What is meant to be it is meant to be. But I don't want to be treated like a rubbish while I put a lot of love, attention and friendship into this relationship.

This sounds like an absolute nightmare op.
I think you were needy and clingy and the “hope you’re not lonely text” would have really irritated me.
However there is just way too much drama all round- you are not compatible so stop flogging a dead horse and move on.

Rude to ignore you. One comment was all that was needed - 'Can't speak right now, call tomorrow.'

You, of course, should only contact once.