Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Struggling in new relationship

15 replies

Datingdoris · 27/01/2018 15:59

Hi all,

I'm a regular on this board but not much of a poster as don't really feel I have much to offer anyone else but I would be incredibly grateful of some advice.
I'm in a very new relationship of 3 months and I'm not sure if there is something not quite right with me, with him, with us or something else.
I have asd and suffer from terrible anxiety which can become all consuming and basically rules my life and I have never been in a dating situation like this before hence why I am a bit unsure of my own mind.
My last relationship ended around a year ago, my ex left me, we were together for around 4 years. Looking back I realise I was horribly controlling towards him, wanted him with me 24/7 when not at work because I felt anxious without him there. I have never loved anyone like I loved him.
So this is where I'm struggling with my current situation, I'm massively unhappy when I'm not with my current boyfriend, my anxiety is out of control, I can't relax at all (I am under the care of a team but nothing seems to be reducing my anxiety). I don't think my current boyfriend is doing anything wrong but he is quite quiet/introverted and so is quite happy with how often we see each other and our levels of communication but for me it's never enough.
Apologies, because of my asd I'm not too good at laying my thoughts out clearly.
I think what I'm trying to ask is, should I continue in my current situation or hope that I meet someone who wants to spend all of their time with me? This doesn't seem healthy but I don't know how to stop myself from feeling like this. I don't want to be on my own either. How much communication is enough communication from a boyfriend at this stage? What should my expectations be?

OP posts:

Original poster

Datingdoris · 27/01/2018 16:01

Sorry meant to say we both gave dc so not as easy to see each other as it has been for me in previous relationships

OP posts:

Kinunir · 27/01/2018 16:04

Talking of communication, does your boyfriend know you would like to see him more often? I've been dating someone for 2-3 months and we're still at the seeing each other once a week stage which I don't think is particularly unusual.

Madcatter · 27/01/2018 16:08

Have you had CBT for your anxiety? The thing about anxiety is that even if you found someone who wanted to be with you 24/7, your brain world only find something else to worry about and I expect you'd feel the same. What does your medical team say? It's a horrible way to live so you have my sympathy.

Original poster

Datingdoris · 27/01/2018 16:14

Yes I have told him but he says he needs time to have to himself too which I do understand.
We see each other one evening a week and then every second weekend

OP posts:

Original poster

Datingdoris · 27/01/2018 16:16

Yes, I have had CBT before but without any success. I know what I should be thinking but I just can't convince myself to think in that way. I'm waiting on support from the adult asd team

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 27/01/2018 16:20

I don't think you should go looking for someone who is willing to be with you 24/7.

If you like this boyfriend, surely stay with him, keep the unreasonable anxieties and desire to make demands mostly between yourself and your therapist. If you can find ways to modify your own behaviour (not his) so you feel happy in the relationship then crack on, otherwise it isn't fair to stay with him when you can't give each other what you each want.

Original poster

Datingdoris · 27/01/2018 18:30

Thanks everyone.
RunRabbit the problem is I'm trying desperately to work on myself but I don't know how long to give it...

OP posts:

Namechanged36 · 27/01/2018 21:23

I can partly relate to what you're describing Dating . Does your boyfriend know about your anxiety?

I eventually spoke to mine about what I was experiencing (although playing it down I must admit).
Do you think he would be able to understand what's happening with you?

If you can live with the anxiety for a bit longer try sticking with the relationship to see if it gets easier as you get to know each other better.
Good luck !

Original poster

Datingdoris · 27/01/2018 21:55

Thanks Name he knows to a very small extent. He would listen for sure and he is keen for things to work for us but I just don't know how much I can cope with. It makes me feel really sad because I just feel I'll l never be able to have a normal relationship

OP posts:

user1471548941 · 27/01/2018 22:14

I feel so much of what you are saying. I’m in a new relationship (2 months), also have ASD and have past issues (in my case with my family not with a past relationship) that make me have raging insecurities and paranoia.

I have shared with my new boyfriend how I feel and we’re currently discussing how I deal with it. I’m thinking I probably need counselling on my own (not CBT, it is proven ineffective for people with ASD). The question for us is how much support he should give (friends prior to the romance).

Anyway, I just want to say thank you for posting as I understand exactly how you feel and you have made me feel less alone with it. Especially as the ASD I think complicates and compounds feelings beyond a neurotypical person’s comprehension.

Original poster

Datingdoris · 27/01/2018 22:55

Hi user thanks for your supportive post.
I think the intensity with which I feel everything makes it all so difficult and I also find it so difficult to try and make myself understood which can lead to frustration on my part.
I have a difficult relationship with my family too.
I really hope you manage to keep communicating in your new relationship. You're most certainly not alone! I might look into private counselling. I've been on the NHS waiting list for a year now

OP posts:

BackInTheRoom · 28/01/2018 01:36

Find another counsellor who you click with. They might make all the difference in how you see things moving forward. Have you Googled 'ASD/Dating tips' or words to that affect?

Mrstobe90 · 28/01/2018 01:42

Hi!

It sounds like you have quite severe separation anxiety. I used to struggle severely with this and therapy really helped.
Sometimes it's due to fears of loss/rejection or loss of control. Speak to your mental health team and see if they can help you take steps to make it easier for yourself xx

Original poster

Datingdoris · 28/01/2018 09:11

Thank you. I will search for a good counsellor. It is difficult because I don't really find it easy to talk about myself, I find it very embarrassing.
mrs yes I think you are correct about separation anxiety and I think it is to do with fear of rejection and with fear of loss of control.
How long did it take you to improve with help?

OP posts:

Mrstobe90 · 28/01/2018 10:58

I'm not gonna lie, it took quite a while (don't remember exact timeline) but now that I've worked on it, I'm so much happier and in a very healthy marriage. There are still times when I struggle a little (I find him leaving for work a bit difficult - no clue why) but I'm quite happy for us to have our own time and space and can function properly when he's not around xx
I hope you get the help you need. You'll feel so much better for it xx

Flip