Why do i still feel like this

[Dailymailshutyamouth]

I have been NC with my ex for a month tomorrow.

It was a particularly volatile and abusive relationship (and breakup). I wont go into massive details about the things he did, but during the breakup it involved sexual assault. We werent together that long (just over a year), but i suppose because of all the abuse it felt intense.

Anyway, after a rather drawnout breakup with umming and ahhing from him about whether we should get back together, i finally blocked him from my life. In the weeks that i did this my life took a much better direction - i got a job, i am about to sign for a flat with my best friend in a new city, i feel good for the first time in ages.

But hes still in my head. Im so ANGRY with him and myself, the thought of me being intimate with him or sleeping next to him makes my skin crawl. The thought of him being happy makes me angry. I want him to suffer. Which is terrible and it makes me feel guilty. I spoke to my therapist about it and he just said "i understand your anger, he sounds awful". But i dont think its healthy i want to feel nothing towards him, i want to sleep without him being in my night terrors

Can anyone help me please

Sending you a massive hug!

The cliche saying of 'time heals all wounds' is quite true. All of the hurt is still fresh and you need time to process everything and adjust.

It's completely normal that you feel you want him to suffer but try not to obsess. Karma works in wonderful ways and one day, it'll put him in his place.

I want to feel nothing towards him, i want to sleep without him being in my night terrors

It's only been a month, you need to be kind to yourself, you'll get there just give yourself time. Coming out of an intense, abusive relationship isn't the same as ending a normal healthy relationship. I completely agree with Mrstobe90, what you're feeling is normal, just try not to obsess.

You want him to feel the same emotions he made you feel with his abuse but you don't have any control over that. What you can control is what you do now, your life's taken a positive turn since the breakup so try to focus on continuing that.

Chances are if he's an abusive person he will continue in the same way and will never be truly happy, but either way what he does now, or how he feels, no longer impacts on you so celebrate your new found freedom and enjoy all the new opportunities that come your way!

Thank you for your reassurances.

I feel so stupid for putting up with it. I really loved him and i hate to admit sometimes i miss him. Its like the person i was in lovr with died

I hate that he walked away from ruining me to do as he pleased

Maybe give womens aid a ring. They can help you with dealing with your abusive relationship

A huge hug to you.

I totally understand how you feel. In fact don't come on here that often anymore but came on tonight because I'm plagued by similar feelings.

Split over a year, divorced a few months- and i know what you mean about it feeling like a bereavement. To me it feels like not only did he die, but also the woman I thought i was. Since the split Ive found so much out that -yes it makes my skin crawl too. And Im ashamed as because like you my life is so much better but i totally miss the illusion of what i had.

Not making it better am I? Sorry- but i guess im trying to say I think its normal to feel this way and you're not alone. And I think going to a therapist is a good idea- and what i need to do :)

Oh Love, give yourself a break! It's only been 30 days! And you aren't ruined! Not by a long chalk!

For good or ill, he's been part of your life, just as every partner is during a relationship. That means they take up 'headspace'. As hard as it is, the way to get him OUT of your head is to find something else to fill up that space he's currently taking up. It's not easy, but it can be done. It's different for everyone. For me it was mindless TV and counted cross stitch. Having to concentrate on pattern, colour, and counting stitches helped me block him out. At first it was only for a moment or two but it gradually became longer and longer as I healed until I was no longer tormented by thoughts of him.

Please be kind to yourself. Start by not allowing yourself to think negative thoughts about yourself. This may be corny, but it's true:

Thanks for your responses!

I reactivated fb for the first time today and got a bit of a shock when he "liked" a pic i was tagged in... why does he think that's okay after everything

Swiftly blocked him.

Julia1973 - yeah i think that's the hard part, missing the illusion of what we had. I so wish it was real but sadly it wasn't

I think your anger sounds really healthy. He deserves it.

Congratulations on turning your life around! I wonder - given how much you’ve done in just 30 days - whether you’re someone who likes to move on and change things as quickly as possible? Nothing wrong with that, especially when you’re getting out of an abusive relationship - but your emotions need time to catch up. When I had hangover emotions about things that had since changed, therapist used to tell me my head was way ahead of my heart. Give yourself time

It's v early days and you are still processing and coming to terms with what's happened. It's to be expected and you are entitled to feel angry - allow yourself to, you will get to a point where you will be indifferent but it will take time. Meanwhile, well done on all the positive changes you've made. If you do have any residual feelings I found this useful

It was the FB incident that "triggered' you. You have done well, put in the distance and made great progress - then he popped back into your life and stirred up feeling that you are putting to bed. It will settle again soon. Avoid any triggering situations (SM!) to protect yourself. But just look at it like a wave - it will pass over you.

It is important to go through the 5 stages of grief (maybe not in sequence, maybe all at once) and to come to terms with how you were in that relationship.