Not sure how much longer I can go on

[greenberet]

I can't find my old thread to add this to it

I feel Im at breaking point - the continual abuse that the kids don't see or don't want to see - I had to send the kids to the x this past week as I feel I can longer cope - him mucking about with the contact wanting to trial one week on one week off -obviously effects CM - and then finally after CMS have reviewed my case he is now going for mandatory reconsideration. Has decided payments should be half the figure that cms have come up with. But to cap it all he has stopped paying completely now - last payment 12 Jan and has ignored my emails re this but has sent me pissy emails every day this week about something and nothing I believe to goad me. He knows I am not well. I have spent most of the week in bed -apart from seeing Gp and letting dog out.

I feel I am being made to choose between money and my kids - why is everything always about money. The "free" lease on the house is up - rental to continue living in FMH is likely to be £2 k a month - kids want to stay here - I want kids to stay here until finish a levels next year - but this is going to be £30k out of my funds for a house. I've already paid Ds school fees - the x claims he has no money -yeah fucking right - already booked August holiday.

I have had enough of feeling like this - I'm fucking torn between trying to protect my kids against a fucking cunt of a father that on the surface appears saintlier than God but is capable of deep psychological damage - I guess if they refuse to see it - does this get them off the hook - will they avoid repeating abusive patters in their own relationships or is this just denial -I asked my Dd what she would want me to do if she was married and her DH was abusing her like x is to me and I still wanted to have a friendly relationship with her DH - basically not believing/ undermining what sge is telling me - her answer I don't know - my Dd is smart she is doing psychology a level - what is this about?

I know my kids have had enough - they just want ' normal' - I just want fucking normal but there is no chance whilst x continually mucks about at any opportunity. All the time I have had these deadlines in my head - just get through court it will be over - just get kids to GCSEs - now just get them to a levels and then will I be free - not according to women's aid - she got this - she got the long term depression as a likely indicator that things weren't right during marriage - my MH was last like this 20 years ago when I had PTSD after a work incident.

How do I deal with this - the torment is in me I know this - but I feel like I'm having to sacrifice my kids to save my own sanity - because as long as I have some connection with them he is going to continue to try and destroy me - I'm getting these thoughts out my head - somehow I have to keep going - my kids still need me

Yes it's hard. Is very very hard

You have to let a massive amount go - 90-95%. More if possible. Don't let him know he's fixing with your head - in fact don't let him tick worth your head.

He is a cunt and a manipulator and he GETS OFF on torturing you. Don't give him the satisfaction. Yes he has a lot of the cards, don't give him your peace of mind. Let go of justice - holding on to it is making you sick.

Don't put your kids between you. Don't let your kids know he is abusing you. You will lose your kids bcs they don't want to know and they will go to the easier option: lovely, friendly, calm, rich ex. Quit talking about ex or letting them see he is destroying you.

Don't let him destroy you! He has no power over your soul, only what you give to him. You're giving him a lot at the moment love...

Been where you are, not talking out of my arse

Thank you springy - how do you do it - when everything you have done is anout fighting for your kids - to stop their lives being destroyed because he ran off with ow - my Ds was distraught at having to leave his school - the x didn't care - Ds seems to have forgotten this I don't know -I have a heart a big heart - I can't help but feel these things - I don't know how to detach - believe me I want to I need to - it seems I need to let my kids go because I can't stand by and watch what he does to them and say nothing - I try but I can't - I can let them go not be involved in day to day life and see them as and when - just this week x agreed for Ds to go on holiday with mates - no issue with this whatsoever but the galling bit is he refused his permission for them to come to SA with me - and then sent me email telling mates mother that I would sort the details out like I'm his fucking secretary and no doubt pay for the flights too - this is the pissy emails I get

I don't give a fuck about him anymore but he is still fucking abusing the kids - do I just walk away and leave them to it - surely this is not right - maybe I should have let SS become involved when school said but didn't want this for ds

Getting some info together or CMS no of nights I can see how he planned all this - the emails specifically tallying no of nights etc - this isn't something off the cuff - this is part of his manipulation all along - he knows the house is coming up for rental -he knows if I pay this it comes out my house fund - this is all deliberate - where is the help I know people are worse off than me but the effect on me is damaging - long term damaging - I can't win either way as usual I have to compromise emotionally and financially - these men are fucking EVIL

SS won't get involved bcs of their ages, they're to old.

I suspect your is is much more bcs of what he is doing to you than what he is doing to the kids. Hate me, go ahead. Hold on to him, hold on to justice, and you will be destroyed. You are MASSIVELY invested in him, he is all you talk about and think about - you are handing your life to him on a plate.

He enjoys messing you about. He gets high on it, he loves how much is getting too you. So stop it getting to you. You're giving him your entire life - what for, he's a cunt!

@greenberet

Omg I FELT the anguish and desperation in your post. I felt like you at the beginning of the week. It's bad isn't it? That feeling of being stuck/trapped by circumstance ARGHH! I went for counselling on Friday and thank the Lord the counsellor was damn good! Go see one too and get some help dealing with this shit. You got this OP! 'You gotta keep on keeping on'.

Can you be someone to sit in the middle of your dealings, it's no good for your mental health.

Be = get !,,

I'm not good - kicked off with kids last night - I believe x is out to alienate me from them - and right now I would say he is succeeding - I have the text chat with my Ds documenting his abusiveness to me but also his distress and anger that I also believe is wrongly directed at me - he believes I have an obsessive hatred to x - no I have an uncontrollable need to protect my kids from the manipulation that they are subject to -but I can't get them to see this - they want to believe it is me - that I'm schizo according to my Ds. I can't go on much longer like this - they now have carte Blanche to abuse me from their DF - I have run out of fight - I have been on here looking for answers for strength to deal with what's next and I e come across estranged parents from their kids. I've phoned two abuse lines this morning waiting for calls back - I need to get back in touch with my old counsellor. I will have to pay for this as I am not sure I can wait for the Gp referral to come through - I do not know how to get through this - I feel buggered whatever I do - I keep choosing my kids but I am starting to feel like they are destroying me - they are actually doing the X's dirty work for him but they dont get this -Christ he has done one hell of a job on them - what crime is this? Seems there is no crime because there is nothing to see just the ramblings of a mother who already had depression and was therefore already a basket case and in her fight to protect herself and her kids was accused of being full of vitriol and mistrust by the judge who ordered the sale of the fmh in 20 minutes -despite their being no solicitor there to represent her and her not having had the x statement u til got to court 30 minutes earlier - but this is open honest and transparent - those famous words that the legal profession trot out to get you to comply - but flout themselves to rack up the £££££. But I know I am not mad I have come across others who too see the legal system for the farce it is - thank God this woman seems to have the strength to push on with this @Daisybarker123 I'm talking about you because yet again I can't even get out of bed - my body had given up - my head has taken over until at least it goes BOOM - but it is all here every last detail. KOKO

@greenberet

I do understand how you're feeling. Are you under a MH team?

@Bibbidee - I have been under MH team twice through divorce - I had to take MH nurse to court to get my hearing adjourned because judge would not believe me - I am waiting for talking space to refer me back for counselling rather than the CBT I was due to start.

Right now I want to run - I am sick of this continual fucking shite - he left why can't he leave me alone - I've just checked bank account 3 weeks now no cm. my kids don't get it they think I'm some psycho bitch
I don't want to do this anymore - my own DM got sectioned just after I got married - she probably thought I was safe and she no longer had to keep up the pretence -except my x is far far worse than my own df ever was - he stuck it out til she died he didn't fucking abandon us when it was too shit he faced his responsibility - this is making me ill but at least I'm not a spineless fucking cunt who has to get everyone on his side so that he can believe his own bullshit