This is partly inspired by the ‘you can’t ‘steal’ a husband’ thread on AIBU at the moment but it’s also something i’ve understandably been trying to make sense of since last year. It’s really hard to try to put a relationship in a nutshell but here goes.
We’d been together 15 years, married nearly 8, when he left last May. This still feels quite new to me, I haven’t been able to contemplate moving on and am trying to recover from the shock. I knew we were in a rocky patch but I didn’t expect him to leave. At that point children were 4 and 13months old. I think that bit is quite important - the ‘rocky patch’ encompassed second pregnancy and first year of my DD’s life which isn’t exactly an easy time even if you haven’t been having problems.
Looking back, he had never been a very hands on Dad and our most common argument since the kids came along was me asking for more support, him saying he would do more and then never changing. He’s a very high earner and I was made redundant during first pregnancy so I stayed at home until oldest was 2, then found part time job that was perfect.
I thought we were happy. This is the bit that’s making me question everything. People on the other thread are saying ‘partner gets treated like shit then cheats, it’s not their fault’. I honestly don’t think I treated him badly. I think we both took our eye off the ball and neglected our relationship a bit but were always having sex up to this point!
Decided to try for baby no.2. I was lucky and fell almost immediately. When I was very very newly pg, like literally 5 weeks, I discovered messages between DH and a Work colleague that sounded like more than just friends. I was devastated and demanded to know what was going on. He denies everything but had been in NYC with her for a week while we were ‘trying’ for our baby. To this day I don’t know whether they shagged (the messages sounded like it) he claims not.
The pregnancy wasn’t easy, I felt very ill a lot of the time and couldn’t have sex as much. He felt neglected. But I was still very hurt by the messages. He withdrew from me more and more. There were times when we were all at home and he was watching porn while pretending to work, while I (massively pg) looked after the toddler. He never touched me. He wasn’t supportive during the pregnancy (I mean by letting me rest or helping with the nursery etc).
When she was a very new baby I found messages between him and multiple women - all friendly, but he was just constantly on his phone to women rather than helping with kids, etc.
He claims now I was too controlling and never ‘let’ him help, this is crap as I was always desperate for support. He doesn’t approve that I bf both the kids into toddlerhood, I know I it’s not for everyone but surely he doesn’t have the right to dictate what I do with my body. But he says this is me ‘not lisfening’ to him (by not weaning).
He is now in a relationship with a woman ten years younger than us from his work. She is one of the many names I recognise from the messages. I feel like i’m Still reeling from it all. I don’t understand what happened and why, I did still love him, I was just distracted by the demands of the kids.
I am beginning to suspect I am better off without him but am struggling to move on because I don’t know WHY it all went wrong and why we couldn’t be a happy family.