purringblackcats: why can't you leave? If you post some people might be able to help. Or even just to talk about it.
RCD: what helped me fathom whether our relationship and indeed the abuse was normal or not, was firstly confiding in a friend and secondly reading about emotional abuse and posting on here. My first post on here led to a cry of "LTB" but I still wasn't convinced. I highly reccomend this website outofthefog.website/ and also checking out the Lundy book "Why does he do that".
I was with my ex form the age of 17 (he was 24). He was always the "shout louder" one of the two and strongly felt as the older man he was in charge. He was always a bit jealous but didn't try to restrict my freedom, but he would stonewall me, guilt me, question me etc. We were relatively happy (although there were huge red flags along the way, I realise that now) until about 2013/14 but his moods were always an issue. But we had two children, he worked full time and I worked shifts so we had a kind of balance and I could have my own space (this is relevant).
In 2011 3 months after the birth of our second son, we sold everything and moved abroad. I realise now all through our relationship we would do things, usually in the guise to make him happier, it never did, just changed the circumstances and prolonged things. We built a house which was stressful, and I also got a good full time job (from home) and he suddenly decided he had retired and left everything to me. He started to drink more, get more depressed, cut himself off socially and in turn his moods became unbearable.
Some things that happened that stopped me in my tracks and made me question the love he said he had for me and shook me into thinking I could actually walk out on him and I lost respect for him. He told me to drop dead, called me a cunt, spat in my face, shouted at me pretty much every time we left the house (all in front of the kids), sucked the joy out of everything. BUT to everyone else we were this perfect couple but I was miserable and so was he. The list goes on. It culminated in the summer of 2017 of him trying to strangle me after a drunken arguement. I suggested we had a trial separation because at that time I still thought for the kids I should stay. He had never been physical before or since, but he has proven himself in the last year since I left to be exactly what I thought he wasn't. He is a bully. Don't get me wrong, we had sex, we still had fun occasionally, I still loved him.
Anyway, I guess the planets alinged, and I thought its now or never, packed the car with the kids and rented a house. I am lucky I had a bit of financial support from my parents, and good friends to lean on, but honestly it was the best decision I ever made. The kids are happier (they still spend 2 nights a week with him) and their relationship is better. He is living in our house, I still pay the bills ( I am a mug), the house is on the market and he is still not earning or trying to earn a penny. I on the other hand am thriving and loving life. i still have moments where I wobble, I miss him at times, but I was making myself ill. Once I started having panic attacks, I knew I had to take control of my mental health.
Things that helped:
Talking in real life to people, made it real, and also validated it was wrong what was happening, life is too short and I deserved better.
I wrote a list of all my fears (ie. the kids, money, his reaction etc) and worked through them one by one.
I wrote on here and gained some amazing advice.
I joined a gym and had some space to think while I was working out.
I worked out finances etc, and how it would work etc.
I am not saying its easy, it took me three years from when I first felt hate for him, and died a little bit inside to gain the courage to leave. The biggest driver was knowing I didn't want my two gorgeous innocent boys thinking this was a normal relationship. Observe others, see how their relaionships are. Its not normal.
Good luck. Believe in yourself.