Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Abusive ex ruining my life

19 replies

Mimithemouse · 26/01/2018 20:23

I was with this person for over 15 years, he was violent but what was worse was the bullying, he would wear me down till I felt like I was nothing and wanted to die. He still sees my youngest son once a week, I have had to fight hard to gain control and lay down boundaries with him, mostly over him thinking he should still be able to come in my home and shout/swear at me. Since an incident in November when he became abusive after walking into my hall without asking, I've barely seen him and I've been so happy.
My washing machine broke today and I was desperate, asked if he could lend me the money for a week at the most, he agreed at first but then changed his mind and spent half an hour on the phone bullying me into agreeing to let him come in the house. This is a man who has raped me, hit me and my older son, I feel completely alone and can't cope with it any more. I have nightmares about him and am shaking and feel ill after this row with him. I have really bad anxiety too, can anyone help, sorry if I'm not making sense.

OP posts:
Myddognearlyatethedeliveryman · 26/01/2018 20:30

Ask someone to help you out with the washing. Lesson learnt op, he hasn't changed, keep your boundaries as you have worked hard to maintain. I once asked my ex to bring some nappies and he told the judge I obviously couldn't manage the dc without him! He didn't get access.

pog100 · 26/01/2018 20:31

I'm sorry you feel like this, it isn't fair and you shouldn't have to. The main problem seems to be that you don't have any other real life support? To lend you the money and/or do hand overs so you don't have to see him. it's bound to trigger all the bad feelings but concentrate on how well you did to get rid of him and just continue to get further and further away?

billybagpuss · 26/01/2018 20:35

Please do NOT take money from this man.

Can you get store credit for a new one? anything but being encumbered to him.

ThisLittleKitty · 26/01/2018 20:38

I'm not sure why you asked him for money for the washing machine. When mine broke I hand washed till I could afford a new one. I would rather get a loan than ask an abusive ex. You definitely need to set boundaries and stop relying on him.

Mimithemouse · 26/01/2018 20:42

I don't have anyone else to ask, no family or anything, I was just so anxious about washing my son's clothes for school, though I realise it was a mistake, he couldn't miss his chance to try and control me again.

OP posts:
ThisLittleKitty · 26/01/2018 20:55

Well budgetting loan if your on benefits or store card (buy now pay later) if your not. Stop giving him the power. There are ways.

pog100 · 26/01/2018 20:58

did he make it difficult for you to make friends, or do you come from an abusive background? Either way you will feel better getting support here but even better if you can reach out to someone in real life. Your guiding principle must be to rid this man out of your life as much as humanly possible and build a new life for yourself. You can do it!

Charismam · 26/01/2018 20:59

I have my own x like this and I agree with the others. No matter how desperate you are, you're never desperate enough to invite him in to your life.

Asking him for a favour would be a bad idea anyway because he'd use it against you, it'd be something to hold over you, you'd be at his tender mercy, walking his tightropes (again)

Mimithemouse · 26/01/2018 21:01

The main problem is him dropping my son off every week, I've asked him repeatedly to drop him off at the corner of my street, but he insists on coming to the door, even hiding behind hedges to see if myself or my adult son is in .. I feel sick and anxious when I hear his voice or see him.

OP posts:
Mimithemouse · 26/01/2018 21:06

Yes I already had an abusive background, I was very vulnerable when I met him, I was 18 and pregnant and in a homeless hostel, he was 11 years older. I've had no contact with my mother for many years.
I need to get some help and support, but I'm finding it so hard to trust people that I've isolated myself, which isnt helping.

OP posts:
Gide · 26/01/2018 21:34

Can you get your older son to answer the door or give younger one a key? Don’t allow this twat to come into your house ever again. I think you can still hire washing machines if you need to save for a new one.

ThisLittleKitty · 26/01/2018 21:35

I wouldn't give the younger one the key the ex will probably get one cut for himself! Not sure what to suggest though sorry.

Mimithemouse · 26/01/2018 22:31

Social services were involved as he hit my elder son, they were both put on a child protection order, would it be worth contacting them as I'm just not coping, he denies everything he's done or the effect it's had and says it's my fault I'm traumatised?

OP posts:
Myddognearlyatethedeliveryman · 26/01/2018 22:36

See a solicitor, get a letter sent telling him to stay away from your front door.

Mimithemouse · 27/01/2018 22:07

I need to do something, I keep imagining killing him just to get him out of my life.

OP posts:
ThisLittleKitty · 27/01/2018 22:12

Can you just cut all contact??

PoorYorick · 27/01/2018 22:14

Please tell me he doesn't have a key to your home? Is there anyone else at all who could lend you money?

Mimithemouse · 27/01/2018 22:17

He insists on coming to my front door every week and talking to my elder son on the doorstep for ages, I've told him again and again to stop doing this, I cannot stand the sight or sound of him. I'm going to see a solicitor about an injunction against him.

OP posts:
Mimithemouse · 27/01/2018 22:19

No, no key but my elder son is still intimidated by him and he has pushed his way in before. I'm going to wait to get the money for the washer.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.