Legacy of Controlling parents

[Wowzerscharlie]

Did anybody grow up with parents who did not allow you to do anything for yourself or make any decisions for yourself? Effectively rendering you incapable and non autonomous?

Parents who constantly monitored and controlled you? Tried to control what you said to others, what you looked like, how you were perceived...

Then when you tried to do something for yourself or make your own decision, you either got punished or you didn’t get it right the first time because you hadn’t done it before, yet it was taken as evidence of your inability to do it and it became like a feedback loop of feeling incapable and being told you are incapable?

I had all of the above and all my conversations, relationships and friendships monitored. I had lots of rules, many unspoken and many spoken. But it was the unspoken ones which were the most outrageous ones. Stuff like not to tell anyone outside of the immediate family my real feelings about anything.

But on the surface, to everybody, and even to me most of the time, they appear like the most generous, kind, loving “nice” people who have only ever wanted the best for me and have “sacrificed” everything for me.

What is the legacy of that? What did you turn out like?

Yes, my phone calls were monitored by my mother. She'd rip my room apart looking for a diary or anything I would jot thoughts in. Then tell me whatever I'd written was wrong. She'd then tell any and everyone my every move/thought and private things like starting my period. I had no friends, any that I did briefly make weren't allowed to call around and I wasn't allowed to spend time with them anywhere else. I had to do as I was told, when I was told. My siblings and I were left with no money, locked in the house with no idea when either parent would come back. We were neglected but spoke well, behaved perfectly and mum told us nobody would believe us if we spoke out so we didn't.
When I got older and got a job she became more overtly abusive. My father enabled it all.

The legacy? I don't trust people, even my lovely partner. It's not an obvious lack of trust more that I keep something back so if he left me I wouldn't fall apart, it's almost like I expect to be left, or betrayed.
I am a bit of a class clown, I try to distract people with laughter and self deprecating humour. Problem is I believe I am crap, worthless, etc
I'm incredibly independent. I will not ask for help.
I'm highly critical of myself, people, places, things.
It's taken a good 10 years or so of me thinking over things to work on changing my thought processes.
Aside from the above list I have a loving family unit, one child whom I adore and work hard to nurture and make her feel secure and loved. We have a lovely home we've worked super hard for, I earn well and feel I'm making a success of adulthood (I left school with a handful of GCSEs and couldn't speak to strangers without blushing furiously - couldn't get further away from that now). It was an uphill battle but I can see the unhealthy behaviour and work on them every day. I'm low and no contact with my parents now. That made a huge difference.
I highly recommend seeking counselling, taking a look at the stately homes thread on here. Best of luck with your journey, hope you can heal

Yes, I was quite on the ball and realised very early on - I moved out of home when I was 15. Two of my siblings are still at home in their 30's as a result of their controlling. I have provided help and advice at various stages of their lives - but they are too comfortable, lack the independence skills to move out now. It's very sad.

I lack trust, very good at faking confidence and it's took years to undo some thought processes. I am married and have two children, and try my utter best not to repeat my upbringing. I am also low contact with parents.

I know of 2 people who had highly controlling parents.

I think counselling is essential.Fear, obligation and guilt is often the way parents maintain control - which can be passed on to their children as that is all they know.

Highly controlling and critical parents can suppress the true self of the child so that they learn to wear a mask, being "good" and compliant, but underneath they harbour resentments and hold grudges because they have never learnt to express emotions in a healthy way.

Adult relationships rely on compromise however controlling parents use "power over" so they don't model healthy relationships.Healthy relationship skills have to be learned and a trusted counsellor can help to with this.I don't think its easy but having insight is important.

Counselling doesn’t work for me as I can’t trsut the counsellor!