Been in 'questionably' abusive relationships in the past, but I think relationships take two people and I don't want to play the victim. Worse physical abuse was when my ex was drunk, thought I had sat on another man's lap (I hadn't) and shoved me, but it never recurred. That relationship was difficult in other ways, due to his drug use, paranoia, tracking my whereabouts and things. But I was depressed and anxious and not easy to live with either. Been in one relationship where I was pressured into prostitution and the man was outright sexually abusive.
So far so background.
I moved on with my life. I am back in training for a good career. And then this guy came along. Five years older than me, with a history of a good career, now on the same course as me. My initial impression was that he was arrogant. But he persuaded me he was actually socially awkward/shy, that he was just like me. We met a few times because we lived in the same accommodation, and each time I felt he fancied me in the way he behaved. The second time we met he disclosed some really personal information about someone close to him, to illustrate the stress he was under, and I found it odd and over-sharing but then felt pleased he trusted me.
We spent a weekend together at a training event and he barely left my side. He even jokingly said "miss you already" when he left the cabin. Said I was pretty and a kind, pleasant person. I had a small injury and he gave me analgesics for it, he gave me one of his beers, gave me other little tokens and did favours. He took me on a walk in the dark because he said he didn't like being in a group (I had friends in the group but I wanted to go off with him). He knew I liked animals so suggested going to look for badgers, foxes etc.
At this time he found out I am into psychiatry and was quizzing me about whether he was a psychopath. I took this to mean he was joking or being overly self critical. He talked to me about his daughter, previous relationships etc. and how him and his girlfriend were in an open relationship. I had turned him down for a drink a few days prior to this because I knew he had a girlfriend. We walked around in the woods for 2-3 hours, separate from everyone else (campsite). At one point he took my hand. It was raining and we sat on a log and kind of hugged. I quizzed him again about the "open relationship" but he was very plausible and gave a lot of detail about the arrangement.
He progressed things to touching me, so I stopped him and said I wanted to wait. He gave me a little spiel about "of course, it's your body, no pressure from me, nobody should ever pressure you to do something with your body". I thought, wow, what a nice guy. How different from the other ones...
I got a lift home and he was keen to arrange to meet me again. He suggested a glass of wine the next night as we lived in adjacent buildings.
I went round and noticed his flat was really empty. I guess this isn't a crime. But something felt off about the way he had no real personal effects, like it was just a white box he lived in, except for some photos of his 9 year old daughter from a previous LTR.
He poured me a drink and it was literally a huge glass of wine filled to the brim. I remember commenting on it. I was nervous so sipped it quite steadily and noticed he wasn't really drinking much of his. He talked a lot about himself, his open relationship situation (she has a higher libido so instigated it, she is so sexually adventurous but he can take or leave sex and just likes companionship and someone he can talk to). I know, I'm a fucking mug. Anyway, my glass got topped up and I was pretty pissed by the time he suggested we sit on the bed as the sofa was uncomfy.
We had sex but he kept losing his erection and I found that weird, he blamed it on anxiety because he liked me so much. Apparently it had been ages since he had sex with his girlfriend because they're long-distance. Apparently they were "essentially friends with benefits but Facebook official to shut her friends up". He laid it on thick. And kept me up all night talking about his family, his life, his achievements at work, people he had saved or helped in his career.
He wanted to see me again 2 days later and we settled into seeing each other twice a week, but he was never, ever as interested as during that training weekend. I wore more make-up, tried to be more admiring, more interesting etc. but he never complimented me like he used to. He even stopped making an effort to buy all the drinks, always open doors for me, offer me his jacket. It declined within 1-2 weeks. I didn't know what I'd done and was desperate to get things back on track as he'd seemed so wonderful.
But I decided to break things off. He said I should think about it for 3 days then come over for a cup of tea. He reassured me that him and his girlfriend were really in an open relationship, he liked me etc. So I agreed to keep it up. We started doing a regular activity together.
I started to feel a bit bored during our "dates" and once I timed how long it took him to ask me about myself. It took 45mins. I started going to the loo partway through and wondering if I'd be rude if I excused myself to go home. It was becoming apparent that he was quite selfish, always talked about himself and his supposed successes at work or with women, and he was starting to put me down in comparison with lots of other women.
But if I tried to pull away he started being fairly sweet again.
Everything kind of came to a head before Christmas when he claimed his girlfriend wanted to get married. He made out he was a victim in all this; poor him, he never wanted to marry her, maybe he could stall her by agreeing to wait 18 months to propose. He said some hideous things about her being dependent on alcohol and drugs, that she was unstable, "not ladylike", swore too much and was aggressive due to being in an abusive relationship.
I moved into the role of "relationship counsellor" and found myself constantly defending a woman I had never met.
Meanwhile my personal life and work was suffering, I was getting depressed and feeling ill all the time but I couldn't bring myself to blame it on that situation. I thought I loved him and he was great.
He said we had to stop sleeping together and I freaked out. I didn't want him to go. He said his girlfriend suddenly wanted to be serious and it was wrong. But while he said that, he made a move to have sex with me. So I was left wondering what was going on.
It came to a head properly when I saw him last week, and the day after I was so miserable at university that my tutor took me to one side. We had a 3 hour chat about him and she asked if I felt he was manipulative. I wouldn't hear a word against him initially and blamed myself, but after I presented certain things to her.. she made me realise that some things he claimed he had done as a student, or in his worklife, were actually impossible. I began to ask women he claimed he'd been intimate with if he had ever dated them, and he hadn't. Other women saw him as shy and reserved and a bit weird. The whole image he built up was more or less false. But I was stupid enough to be dazzled by it.
So I messaged the girlfriend and asked "were you ever in an open relationship?" and got back "not to my knowledge". Then I got angry texts from him. He would be calling me soon to "discuss". She asked for more information but made it clear she felt I was a liar.
He berated me on the phone, said I was ruining his life and his relationship and if I loved him I'd let him go and be happy with her. He said I was putting his final qualification exams at risk with my behaviour, and even that I was upsetting his girlfriend, and potentially his child who loves her. He said he'd come round.
He knocked on my door at 11pm and I was asleep, but woke up. He was so angry. Told me if his girlfriend finds out where I live she will hurt me, to the point she'll get a criminal record. He said he did me a favour by withholding my address. He made out he was on my side. He said he was going to walk away and never see me again. I was hurt and confused that he lied, made me an OW and an accomplice to his cheating, but didn't want him to leave at the same time. So I begged him to stay. He said we could only stay in contact if I covered for him and took all the blame. He was going to present me as a scorned crush; I made it up to split them up because he wouldn't have me.
I lasted a day before I sent her all the evidence I had. He said I'm the most manipulative, disgusting, vindictive person he has ever met. He said he was giving her my address. So I had to spend the night at a friend's and I spoke to the police about options. The first time I came back to my flat I was shaking and looking everywhere for this woman who was supposedly going to hurt me. The police advised I text to say I didn't want to prosecute (despite having evidence), but I wanted him to stop. And he agreed.
So all this has blown over. Like living in a fucking soap. And I want him back. Why? He was never nice to me. I don't even really like him, let alone love him like I thought. My strongest emotion for him was probably feeling sorry for him, feeling connected because he seemed to be vulnerable with me. I remember sitting next to him on his bed while he talked about the stress he'd been through or stuff about his life, and feeling so warm towards him, like I wanted to help.
I don't rationally or consciously want him. But knowing he hates me feels so uncomfortable. She hasn't even left him, she swallowed his bullshit. And that's her choice. But I feel emotionally wrung out and like he's just run away to be with her. And I've just been used and it's shit.
Sorry, I don't know who to talk to.