Well folks,this is a problem that has re- surfaced since the death of my mother.I want to get this out as I feel real pain that I could hurt a fellow human being.I also think that as I have been single for so long that I need to get back into the dating scene.
This goes back approx. 20 years ago,I was doing a catering college course.It was the second year of an NC course,I wouldn't give her name but just say F.I would like to say that I was 28 and she was 17.
The class consisted of 16 students with 13 girls and 3 boys.About 8 of us were carried over from the previous year and the rest were new.I will give an initial of the person and in brackets the age.
Things started ok,and immediately the new ones mixed with us(us being the ones that were there previously).
F had started to hang around In but In(36) was married,and gave her a note that had his phone number on it and times she could phone.
I would also like to say that I had weight and bulling issues since I was a child and that I am an only child.I have had girlfriends but was also a virgin.I also like to say that I had a girlfriend as well as two jobs and a college course.
In decided to kiss her and she wasn't very happy about that especially as this was done in front of all the class.I walked up the road and she then gave me aher telephone number.I didn't ask for it but she gave it.
F had started to speak with the other girls in the class,but for some unknown reason didn't get on with most of them especially JI (50) who took exception to F and sided with In (especially when it was found that she had a flat of her own,bought by her parents and also had an allowance as well,she did have a friend staying with her.)
I was in too minds wether to phone her or not,but decided to.We started chatting in college and occasionally would phoneas well.In December,she asked me to go down to her flat and went down,had somefun and found that we had similar tastes in music.My mother was into astrology and drummed it into my about star signs.She was an aquarius and I am an Aries.
Got through Christmas and not only started chatting during college but again at night and at the weekend.
Her dad had bought her the internet and she started to using it,(it was 1998 by this time).She then picked up a guy on the internet from London and was chatting to her.I was pleased for her and that I hoped that it went well for her.
I was able to spend more time doing my course and getting into it.
It was March,by now and she asked me to have a birthday party so that she could bring her boyfriend from London.She wasn't happy about what came up.The boyfriend was a weirdo,basically asking when he was going to have sex with her.I asked mate(Al)to come up and bring afew mates and also took the neighbours in as well.
The party it'self wasn't a great success,as I had a bottle of vodka stolen (by a neighbour) and ended up in the cells.
When I got out,I phoned her up,and she came up straight away.It turned out that she didn't feel happy about staying with the boyfriend and asked Al to stay and keep her company.
He wasn't happy and asked for my phone number and I niavely gave it out but phoned F (at my flat) and gave a choice few words.
So she and Al were no an item and I was glad for.The phone went quiet and she seemed happy for the next couple of days.We had gone out drinking at the weekend and a friend asked for a dance.When he came back,he told me that she had had said that she really loved me.I didn't really take it in as to meshe was only a mate.
After this,it started to go wrong for me.We didn't have to be in college so much so we had a bit of time together.It was about this time that I fell in love with her.
I had never fallen in love with some one as much as I had fallen in love with F.She was 18 by now and was a 6 ft Blond girl.I wanted to fight it as she was an 18 year old girl and I was 29 years old.
The biggest mistake,I made was to tell her.I wished to god that I didn't but I did.!!!!
She started to phone me at night so we would start to talk from 10-6am then go to college and finish college and then start chatting at night.The Easter holidays were coming up in two weeks and I wanted to get a way by myself.
I told her that I was going to see my parents and she asked me if I could come.I should have said know at this point but being in love with her I let her.She then said that we could stay at her grans place as well.
This went on for another week and a bit.We were going to leave on the Friday.By this time I started to resent Al.Not that he was with her but because,if I said that I was going out she wanted to come with me,but because the bum was on the dole and never put his hand in his pocket!!!!!.
Everything was ok up and till the Thursday.I went into college to do kitchen work.
Everything was going ok and she waved at me and that was ok but I got it into my head that she was cheating on me with IN.I got home and was bloody depressed.
I phoned her up later in the evening and said that I wanted to have a quiet night.She said ok,asked if I was ok and we finished.
As soon as I put down the phone,for some unknown reason,my hand starting to shake so I phoned her again andstarting to speak.
The next thing,took a knife from my bag and slashed my wrist twice and then told her what I did.THE MOST BLOODY STUPPIDIST THING THAT I HAVE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE AND RIGHLY HATE MYSELF FOR IT.
Al told me later that she spent the night crying her heart out and even to this day I cry when I hear that.
I then make the even bigger mistake to go to college and show her the marks on my wrists.She ran screaming from the college,and rightly was asked to leave the college.
We had 2 weeks off,and I went to see the doctor got help for depression and anxiety.I spent going up and down like an idiot.
F and I did start to talk and went round to see her once but I was mentally exhausted.She got paranoid that people would hate her if she went back.I told her to go back and finish the course as I wasn't going to go back.
She went back,and wanted me to come to,I was reluctant as I was still in love with F and though that we would be together.Stupid now but this is what I thought.
Seemingly they did a poll if they wanted me or F to come back and they had wanted me.I hated myself but I went back and finished the course.After the course I did try to do the next year but left after 2 weeks.
F never completed the course.She got a job and we still kept in touch for a while,she asked me to go for a drink to meet her new boyfriend.I stupidly went and they broke up not soon after.I even stupidly bought her a Christmas present and she sent one back.
I didn't really wanted to be around her.(It wasn't her fault,but I wanted space).I met someone later and decided to finish it.If anything had happened to me,i didn't want to take her down with me.Also,I wanted to have her own life and forget me.We did meet once in a supermarket and I said hello but she said 'Go Away',which is what the best thing that she could have done.
Al was kicked out of the flat straight away,ended up at my flat then ended up working in the middle of nowhere together.He met a girl, there and after a while lived together.
Since my mother has passed away,I had started to fantisize about what would have happened if I didn't cut myself,this is why I want this out into the open so that you can comment on and hopefully give me closure on this.
It was been 20 years since this has happened and did hope that I would meet F again,if nothing else to say sorry.....
Take Care F...