The guilt, the shame, and the horror of carrying the can of domestic abuse

[WellDoneTiger]

For the first time in my adult life, my experience of my relationship is being validated. It feels like a weight lifted that I have been bearing the responsibility of the behaviour of my husband.

SS are involved and yesterday I spoke to the family SW who, like the many marriage guidance people we have seen over the years, implied that my husband's behaviour was my fault.

I went to a meeting with SS, the school and my husband, and left feeling once again afraid of my husband. He has told me he means me harm, he has wished me dead, threatened my family, called me all sorts of horrible things, sexually assaulted me more times than I can remember. The police can do nothing. My daughter assaulted me resulting in injury (scratching and bruising), and it honestly felt as though she was acting as his proxy. When we arrived home, he yelled at me in front of the children that I provoke everyone. My daughter is carrying the can for her father's behaviour and may be on police record.

Has your dd been charged?
Are you in a safe place now without your violent ex?
It sound ms horrendous.
Have to called women's aid for support?
I am hoping others will join the thread with more experience.
You urgently need support. Massive hand hold

You are never ever ever at fault for the violent actions and abuse by another person. Please hold onto the truth.
He may be a skilled manipulator but no one with a shred of decency could blame you for any of this

You can get a restraining order? This is exactly what they are for

I have spoken to the PC at length about my dd because her actions were learned behaviour and although she is old enough to be criminally responsible, I do not blame her. I really hope she will not be formally recorded.
I am still under the same roof as my husband until the house is sold. I rarely see him. WA and Victim Support are being fantastic and I am being referred to a rape crisis centre as I was also raped by someone else before I met my husband.

My husband paints me as a mad violent woman who shouldn't be allowed out. His self image is as God's Gift. Or a prick on legs.

You are not to blame, but YOU are the one to get yourself and your DD out of this. H won't. he gets a feed from terrifying and harming others.

You have the SS and school help, grab any and every opportunity to get yourself and your child away from that man.

Your lives will improve - literally in days.... I promise. Just get him out of your lives, get legal moves in place to keep him away and call the cops for help

This is exactly what I am doing, Hissy. I am pleased that the children have someone else in the form of SS. It is meetings like the one earlier in the week with my husband in the room that frightened me. And that SW was talking about him being the victim.

I have had blips of how it feels to be free and competent and able. It really is a revelation. I have a very good but £££££££££ solicitor who I'd rather not speak to unless I absolutely have to.

You don’t need a solicitor to leave him, and ss and woman’s aid can guide you on getting non molestation orders if need be. Rights of women help with legal stuff

Look at those flashes of freedom, that freedom could be your life ALL THE TIME!!!

That’s what it’s like this side of an Abusive relationship! It’s not always easy, life isn’t always, but oh my god it’s better when you know you’re safe, the kids are growing and learning and are happy

Don’t stop until you get all that and more! It’s your right, it’s waiting for you, go get it!!

You are so blissfully optimistic, Hissy! It's wonderful. I am making progress and for the first time for years and years was invited to a job interview. They needed someone with more direct experience, which I realised pretty sharply, but it was great fun to go. It was as though an alternative self had written the letter. I need that person to live with me full time! Baby steps.
Today I have been clearing the house so estate agents can come in without crap all over the place. It's going to be awful keeping the place clean. A bit more order. I am in control

Mate, been there (trapped overseas in a shitty country with millions of godforsaken misogynistic idiots and and abusive twat) and came thru the other side... it’s a long haul, a huge effort and at times I’d be furious at the time and expense of undoing all the damage (shitty family too)

But I’m here! I’m free and I’m happy!

I’m nobody special, you’re probably more special than I am, so if I’m happy, I’m sure you will be too!

Keep going!!! Believe that you can be content and you will get there!

That new self IS the new you... keep hold of what that person feels like and it will become more real as you get used to living without the spaghetti head confusion these abusers cause.

You are going to be alright. You really are xx

Thank you Hissy. You are so right about the spaghetti head of confusion. I made a film about that once! The PC who investigated my husband says there is nothing to be done about him unless other women he has sexually assaulted come forward. I know he has sexually assaulted at least 2 other women because I was in the same room.

Best thing is to focus on distancing yourself and if the police need you in future, they know where to find you. You sound so strong! You’ll be fine

WellDoneTiger

It gets easier. Daily mantra in front of the mirror...."I am not responsible for someone else's behaviour".....you really are not. Regardless your dd needs to learn her behaviour is unnacceptable, hard I know.

Do you have anyone in rl who can support you? It sounds to me like the police and ss are ,at best, crap and trying to shrug you off. I thought the police can now prosecute without your consent? I could be wrong.
As others have said, keep going with WA, at least they are validating your experience.
For you