Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

4 months since d day and no nearer a decision....

19 replies

Phoenix74 · 26/01/2018 07:30

I’ve been on a few of the affair threads but have name changed.

I’m 4 months in since d day and no nearer to making a decision about what I want. It seems that everyone, including my counsellor seems to think that I should be able to walk away or draw a line under the affair and commit to saving the marriage.

I love him. The thought of not being with him saddens me deeply. He’s remorseful. He’s trying very hard. We have made some breakthrough in counselling about the events leading up to the affair, growing apart etc.

But...he lied, he betrayed me. So for that I don’t trust or respect him. I realise he’s trying to earn this back though.

Is it really possible to accept the affair and move on. I go round in circles about walking away and making a go of it.

He’s currently living elsewhere so we do have space from each other. And I miss him. But equally I can imagine him moving back in.

My head is constantly buzzing with it all however much I try and step away from my thoughts.

OP posts:

Ledkr · 26/01/2018 07:39

People do survive it but I can't imagine it ever goes away or that things would ever be the same again.
It happened to me and my initial response was to split but then to desperately want it to work.
However a few weeks later I realised that I was never going to feel the same again and that splitting would be easier in the long run.
Not easy though and yours sounds remourcefull which mine never did.
Good luck

Poshindevon · 26/01/2018 07:54

You sound to me as if you like playing the victim.
Things will never be the same, thats a fact and you need to come to terms with that.
You obviously wanted to go to counselling so why be so half hearted
I agree with Ledkr if you cant accept your husband lied and betrayed you then walk away.

Cricrichan · 26/01/2018 08:16

It will take a lot longer than 4 months to fix this if it can be fixed. He lied and cheated. It's hard to trust someone who has broken your trust.

Was he caught or did he tell you? Do you have children? Would a trial separation help?

hellsbellsmelons · 26/01/2018 08:44

There's a thread running now where the poster is 3 years on.
And still undecided.
4 months is nothing.
This will take well over a year, minimum, before you'll even be close to understanding what you want.

FizzyGreenWater · 26/01/2018 09:22

everyone, including my counsellor seems to think that I should be able to walk away or draw a line under the affair and commit to saving the marriage.

Sorry, no. It takes as long as it takes for you to make a decision. And four months is nothing at all actually so I'm at your counsellor especially! I'd consider finding a new one - 16 ish weeks and you should have completely processed a traumatic life event? Um, no.

As pp said, there's a current thread where THREE YEARS after an affiar, a wife who chose to stay and work through it HAS worked through it and is finally ready to leave and move on, though is still in agonies over this decision.

Four months is absolutely nothing. If you feel that you need to get people off your back (and your DH has absolutely no right being one of those, by the way - he waits patiently for as long as you damn well like!) I would say calmly that you are currently separated and you don't know what will happen long term, but you won't be discussing it any more with anyone who seems to think it's ok to tell you what and how you 'should' be feeling.

And get a new counsellor.

SandyY2K · 26/01/2018 10:23

I'm not impressed with your counsellor.

I don't agree you're playing the victim like a pp said.

Anyone saying that has no understanding of infidelity.

Sometimes infidelity is a dealbreaker... no matter how hard you try.

Anyone who cheats must accept that their relationship or marriage can be ovet as a result.

hellsbellsmelons · 26/01/2018 10:35

You need to find a new counsellor.
That is crazy!
Over it all in 4 months!!! Not likely.
In fact you may never get over it.
But that is up to you.
This is how you feel and your feelings count.
Don't dismiss them because others think you should.
That way madness lies!

Brakebackcyclebot · 26/01/2018 10:37

Hi OP,

You are living with confusion and uncertainty, and those are really challenging things to handle. As pp have said, 4 months is not a long time in the grand scheme of things!

Perhaps a coach might be able to help rather than a counsellor?

yetmorecrap · 26/01/2018 10:59

My counsellor said you take as long as you want but she advised against rushing and what she said was whether it was 6 months or 4 years down the line you decide it’s still not ok , then that’s totally fine

dontknowwhatcomesnext · 26/01/2018 11:02

My husband and I lived apart for 15 months before reconciling after his affair. I feel for you, and boy do I get it, but at four months neither of you will have the real explanation of why and what happened. It takes a LONG time to really get to the bottom of things and sometimes at the bottom is not particularly obvious or satisfying. It’s good to look at your marriage, of course, but the focus right now should be on him understanding his actual motivations-and here’s a hint, it’s NOT about you not doing things right or being a less than perfect wife (we all are!). It’s more likely what he was seeking, at this point in his life, or what is in his psychological make-up that led him to his actions. You can get through, and you can choose not to. But at four months you both won’t know enough. I wish you the best of luck.

magoria · 26/01/2018 12:43

To make a potentially life changing decision in 4 months when you are hurting like hell would be stupid.

You need to take as long as you need. Even then you can change your mind later again if you want.

wysteriafloribunba · 26/01/2018 14:01

''You sound to me as if you like playing the victim.'

That's a horrible and unfair comment to make. Why be so nasty to someone who is struggling?

I understand. Affairs are very destructive and also very confusing, as you have to deal with many conflicting emotions as well as a dose of fear of the unknown should you walk away.

If he is living away and you can't imagine him moving back in, I'd say you are in a fairly good place head wise to make that situation permanent. Do you have dcs? It is easier if you don't as you can make a clean break. On-going contact makes things harder.

Original poster

Phoenix74 · 28/01/2018 10:38

Thanks for all the replies. I’ve been mulling them over.
I read the other thread with sinking feeling thinking I don’t want to get to 3 years and still feel like that.
We do have dc which makes the decision that much harder.

OP posts:

Youngmystery · 28/01/2018 11:32

Yeah get a new counsellor. They aren't all good and some don't work well for everyone. You have to take as long as necessary for you, he betrayed your trust greatly.

Could you maybe start with him coming over say 1 night every 2 weeks and see how that goes? If you want to of course, he doesn't have to stay over either, maybe just have a meal in together, watch a bit of TV and he goes home. Just thinking since you feel like you miss him, that might help you see if you think you can eventually forgive or not. That can still take years to happen.

TheStoic · 28/01/2018 11:35

You get to do whatever you want, think whatever you want, in whatever timeframe you want.

Literally whatever you choose to do, as long as it’s chosen authentically, is the right choice for you. For now. You get to change your mind whenever you want to.

Get a new counsellor.

Flightywoman · 28/01/2018 11:43

When you say he's trying, what is he trying to do exactly?

Show how sorry he is?
Save your marriage?
Rebuild your trust?
Make you feel like his one and only?
Win you back?

Or is he trying to get you to move past it faster than you feel comfortable with so he gets his marriage perks back?

When someone says they're trying, ask them what they're trying to do, it might make them think and it can be very revealing.

But take the time you need, 4 months is nothing in the scheme of things.

Original poster

Phoenix74 · 28/01/2018 12:08

flighty all of those. He says he’s sorry, he’s rebuilding trust, he’s changing work patterns to help out more, he’s trying to understand how he did it. But I also feel that he’s trying to push me into forgiveness. He desperately doesn’t want the marriage to be over.

In my heart I’m really not sure I can forgive. But maybe with time I can. My heads a mess.

OP posts:

GeriT · 28/01/2018 13:24

OP, you need remember how to crawl before you can walk, take baby steps.

If he is committed to making it work and you want to do the same.

Take it step by step. Do something with him and see how you feel, you are understanbly conflicted.

If he really wants it he will be patient as he betrayed you. Do not put the burden on yourself.

Do not let on to DC until you are decided.

Good luk x

Flightywoman · 28/01/2018 14:26

Phoenix, I am SO sorry you are in such a horrible place. And it is as I suspected, he's in the mindset of "I've said sorry, I've been nice for FOUR WHOLE MONTHS, why aren't things back to normal".

Bus as we all know, saying sorry does not take away your feelings, it doesn't make it hurt any less. And one person saying sorry does not mean that the other person a) has to forgive, b) has to forgive instantly or c) has all their feelings negated.

Him being sorry IN NO WAY negates your absolute right to have those feelings, to process them and then decide what you feel you must do.

He might well not want the marriage to end, and I guess you don't either, but that doesn't mean that it has to continue if you find that you can't actually endure the fall-out from his actions.

I've said it countless times, you can love someone very much and still make that decision not to be with them. It's hard, but sometimes it's the only option...

Flip