How can I help my friend

[Bella912]

So my lovely friend messaged me last night to tell me her husband of 30+ years has announced he is leaving her and is seeing someone else.

I tried to call her several times but she is not answering calls. I have messaged her back but it feels so impersonal. What can I do to help her without invading her space? Utterly heartbroken for her but don’t want to think of her shutting herself away. Any suggestions would be great.

Your friend must be utterly devastated.
If your really good friends why dont you go round to see her. She obviously wanted you to know or she would not have contacted you.
Take some flowers and let her know your there for her.

She will probably need to talk and to cry and be angry.
Why don’t you invite to your house? For dinner/drinks. Or go to her later with wine/flowers/chocolates as long as her husband isn’t there.
Just let her know you are there for her. She will find some days incredibly lonely.

This is very hard.
In the beginning I just wanted to deal with it all on my own.
But once friends and family knew it was such a relief and they rallied around to help and keep me busy.
I would probably send another message just saying that you want to be there for her. That you will go off out today to grab a bottle of wine and you'll wait for her to let you know when you can go round to be with her.
It's friggin' heartbreaking it really is.
I feckin' hate men!!!

I agree with all the above posters. I can only liken it to when I was grieving - I didn’t want people to think they needed to come over so worded it that I’d let them know when I was ready to see them but really just wanted them to come straight over.
Also, maybe she wanted to tell you but wasn’t ready to talk about it / day it out loud.
But she told you because she trusts and loves you - you know her, think about what she’d do for you if the situation was reversed.

Perhaps give her a couple more days then just go to her. She may not be ready right now as he may still be there? She is putting on brave face for kids etc. ? How often do you see each other usually?

Maybe turn up with some food or offer to.

I was in the depths yesterday (different reason) and couldn't stomach anything. My sister turned up and cooked dinner for me last night - it really helped as I managed to actually eat something with her. I don't think I would have done if she hadn't done that.

When my marriage ended it was the messages on facebook which kept me going. One minute I wanted to be alone and the next I needed company and the fact that I could look back on supportive messages and would hear from someone with a simple 'how's it going?' every few days was amazing.
Keep messaging though - not nagging, just a gentle 'how's today working out?' type thing every couple of days. Let her know you're thinking of her and you're there for her when she's ready.
You sound like a lovely friend, she'll definitely need you at some point x

Thanks everyone. The bastard has done this and now won’t leave the house as he has nowhere to go (biting my tongue on that one). The last of her kids left home last year for uni. Anyway she has went to her brothers due to him remaining in the house. I will just keep messaging her for now and when she is home I will go round with wine and food. I just didn’t know if messaging her all the time was the right thing to do but would rather annoy her with too much attention than not enough. I’m just heartbroken for her and I certainly didn’t see it coming. She is such a lovely person and just doesn’t deserve it. Having (touch wood) not gone through it I can’t begin to understand but I can listen and be there. He had also told the kids so no going back.

Just wait for her to come back to you - she knows you are there and have been trying to get hold of her. I would find it a bit intrusive if someone just turned up with me asking them to.

I won’t just turn up as she has gone to her brothers. Have asked her if she wants to meet up on Sunday so will see what she says. Just don’t want her to isolate herself

I have been in your friend's position and didn't respond to a doorbell or ringing phone for months.

I didn't want to leave the house really, but had to go to work and the supermarket.

I didn't want to talk about it or answer any questions.

What I really really appreciated were the people who kept messaging, and showing me that they cared and would be there when I was ready.

Lots of people messaged initially, but got bored or offended when I didn't reply.

Some people hung on long enough to meet up with me once, to hear the gossip, and then virtually disappeared because my life no longer fitted in with theirs.

But the people who kept checking in, sending little supportive messages, updating me on their own lives, really kept me going.

A few times I came home to things on the doorstep - flowers, a homemade cake, even a pizza!

To know that people care about you when the person you thought cared most of all has let you down, that's wonderful.