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Relationships

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Original poster

Text messages to females

23 replies

Onlyway · 26/01/2018 01:46

Hi, I'm new here and just had a quick question to ask please. Just want to get peoples views on this. If you were with your partner for around a year and found out that they were still texting a woman from BEFORE you got together (someone that they went on a few dates with) how would that make you feel? If partner says they remained friends and the texts were just friendly texts. Also, how would you feel if one of partners long standing female friends, who you have previously met and seems nice etc and not a threat, splits up with her boyfriend and you see a text on partners phone from her saying "wish you were here" how would you feel/react to that?

OP posts:

pnutter · 26/01/2018 01:52

I'd say "bye". I cant do messing about stuff of any level.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 26/01/2018 01:54

Same . It's bit of a deep thing to say. I wouldn't even say "wish you were here" to a female friend tbh

SoftlyCatchyMonkey1 · 26/01/2018 01:55

It all depends on context. Where was she when she text "wish you were here"

Original poster

Onlyway · 26/01/2018 02:13

Thank you for your quick replies! The friend was at home and had split from her boyfriend and had been texting my partner all upset. I only found this out when I saw the text come through on his phone which said that she was really upset and that she wished he was there! I've already confronted him about it and he ensures there is nothing in it, like he says there was nothing in the texts to the other woman who he dated briefly before we got together and that they just remained friends. We've already discussed both lots of texts and he swears there is nothing in any of them and thinks I'm making a big thing out of it, but I just can't get it out of my head. I'm not one for playing games either and I'd rather just be shot of it. Am I overreacting? What's pissing me off is the fact that I only came across these messages by chance. I've been on many dates in the past but I haven't kept in touch with them and carried on texting them for a whole year after!

OP posts:

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 26/01/2018 02:18

I think if he and his exes (several of them) are still in contact it suggests he’s probably just a nice guy. I’d give him a chance. If the “wish you were here” comment was a problem, well, he wouldn’t have been with you. He chooses you.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 26/01/2018 02:43

A year does seem like a long time to keep in touch especially as they were only dating a few times, but if the texts read as just friendly and nothing more then maybe not be bothered .

Also just read your update on the best friend aspect , it seems pretty believable now you've explained

LondonLassInTheCountry · 26/01/2018 03:02

Me and my partner message our ex's sometimes.
Just a hello, how u doing etc.....

I message a guy who i went on dates with just before me and partner got together.
We got close and i cared about him.
I message him Maybe once a month to see how his doing, but his going thru alot, so maybe a little different.

Not always the case of something going on

ALittleBitConfused1 · 26/01/2018 05:49

I think at first I was a bit oh he's a player but thinking about it I stayed in touch with a guy I dated a few times.
I'm now single but he's in a relationship although when we dated we both realised pretty quickly it wasn't going anywhere romantically so we have the odd text hi, how you doing thing.
I've also had relationships with men who have close female friends and now you've put the wish you were here comment into context it doesn't seem as sinicester.
The thing is it's how you feel about it that counts. Are you uncomfortable about it do you feel as though he isn't being honest.
When you say you came across these messages by chance what do you mean? That's the bit that concerns me, unless he shows you his messages the discovery of them would always be by chance as someone's phone is private. His messages are his business.if you don't trust him and regularly look at his phone that is an issue that needs to be acknowledged.

Angelf1sh · 26/01/2018 06:27

It wouldn’t bother me, it sounds innocent enough.

Shoxfordian · 26/01/2018 07:52

How exactly did you come across these messages? And who made you the texting police? I wouldn't be impressed if I was your bf

BoobleMcB · 26/01/2018 08:05

If my nest friend (who happens to be of the opposite sex) split with their partner, I wouldn't have waited for them to wish I was there. I'd have been straight round. That's what friends do.

You are been unreasonable, and if my OH confronted me about innocent texts to FRIENDS I wouldn't be too happy tbh, that would raise questions about suitability

BoobleMcB · 26/01/2018 08:06

*best friend

Cat2014 · 26/01/2018 08:08

It wouldn’t bother me but I’d hope he was upfront about them and not trying to hide them. I’m in touch from time to time with a couple of exes and it’s totally innocent, I have a current dp who I love very much

hellsbellsmelons · 26/01/2018 08:49

and he swears there is nothing in any of them and thinks I'm making a big thing out of it
And did he show you the messages?
To reassure you there was nothing in it?
If not then I wouldn't believe a word of it!

mindutopia · 26/01/2018 10:09

I think it truly depends on the nature of the relationship they have with these friends and how open and honest they are about it. My dh has lots of female friends (but none that he's dated, honestly didn't date loads before we met) and he messages them and it's never occurred to me to have an issue with it. They're lovely people. I know them. He's not secretive about it. They have partners/husbands and come over for dinner or meet us for drinks, etc. I have several male friends though who are exes (like serious relationships, 3-5 years each) and a few more that I once hooked up with back when I was single. I keep in touch with them on Facebook and we message each other on occasion. My dh has met one of them (who was a serious bf, we went to his wedding!), but not the others as they live far away. It's also not an issue, because I'm not secretive about it. We trust each other and are committed to each other and it's all very above board. We've been together 10 years and our relationship is solid. So I think it depends on whether you have a reason to be suspicious or if he's being secretive about it. Being friends with people you have a past with by itself isn't necessarily a sign someone is going to cheat - or else I would have cheated years ago with any one of the 4 exes I'm still friends with (and I've never cheated on anyone in any relationship ever).

yetmorecrap · 26/01/2018 12:02

I think openness is the issue here, if he isnt deleting and they are still on phone etc then less reason to have an issue than if he is deleting and said person never mentioned etc.

ThamesRiver · 26/01/2018 12:10

Yetmorecrap has it on the money - it's all about openness

If he feels he had to hide it, then it's crossed the line.

yetmorecrap · 26/01/2018 12:34

If those texts were not deleted OP, I wouldnt worry too much. Its a pretty rare guy (although admittedly not unheard of) who is up to something who isnt deleting. The way a lot of women find these things is if they 'come through/pop up' when phone is left around etc.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 26/01/2018 14:00

So its ok for him to have female friends as long as he is completely open and shows her the messages?
Op do you want to know every time his friends message him? Or just the female ones. You either trust him or you don't.

SpiritedLondon · 26/01/2018 14:53

I was thinking about this issue the other night. I have been texting a guy at work who I get on really well with and who makes me laugh ( but I don’t fancy). My DH was watching a crappy TV programme so I spent probably 2 hours in the bedroom texting my friend. To the outside world it would have looked really suspicious but we mostly chatted about music and films. I probably did say “ god come back the office is really boring without you”. I would feel pretty resentful if my DH started kicking up a fuss about my chats but I can see that questions might be asked. In your case soap if they only had a couple of dates they weren’t that into each other were they?

SpiritedLondon · 26/01/2018 14:54

OP not Soap. Damn you autocorrect

ThisLittleKitty · 26/01/2018 15:08

I disagree not deleting means it's innocent. I found LOADS of messages on my exes phone to prove he was cheating some people are better at hiding things than others the female friends comment wouldn't bother me but I wouldn't be happy with him still talking to someone he briefly dated. Do they still meet up??

catbasilio · 26/01/2018 15:46

I have very high morals as it comes to relationships (would never cheat) but even I still keep in touch with some pre-relationship hook-ups. I even went with for a drink with one recently when he moaned and moaned what's wrong with him that he cannot find a lady for him. Was curious to understand what's the problem and maybe help (have few female single friends.. my boyfriend was fully aware of it and did not make an issue). Would be happy to show my conversations if he ever asks.
My boyfriend on the other hand has lots female friends, some also from pre-relationship. It bothered me in the beginning, but a bit less so now. He thrives on charming women and making them feel good. He is kind and helpful to them (as well as his male friends). First and foremost he puts me on pedestal and charms me first. I can't go into his head to see what he is actually thinking. There might be an element of flirting involved but I do believe it is on a healthy level.

If his female friend was to write I wish you were here, it depends on a friend. If you met your OH's friend you'd probably know.

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