Golden Children

[yolofish]

I'm not quite sure where I'm going with this... I was my Dad's golden child, my (older) DB was my Mum's. DH's sister is PIL's golden child, and she is the mother of the golden grandchildren. DH was the 'naughty' one.

I'm now in the position of caring for DM due to geography mostly. DB and I have a fantastic relationship and he helps as much as he can given that he lives 200 miles away. She much prefers him to me.

When PIL need care I suspect it is going to land on me, DH being far too busy and important running a business (tbf, he is!) and SIL living too far away and working in a school. PIL and I have an arm's length relationship, mostly because I dont like the way they have treated DH in the past and the fact they prefer SIL's children to ours and make it quite obvious.

I guess that's a bit by the by, I suppose what I am asking is other people's experiences of being/not being the golden child? I think DB and I came out of it OK, but DH and SIL have virtually no relationship - which is, I suppose, a shame, but neither of them are prepared to do anyting about it.

Musing out loud I suppose.

The Golden Child/Scapegoat comes about when one parent is a narcissist. The rest of the family dance around managing their feelings.
Your parents each had a favourite, not a Golden Child. For you to be the golden Child your sibling would be your dads Scapegoat, and would get the blame for everything.
Your parents could not each have a golden child and scapegoat. Their marriage wouldnt have survived it.

Your DH is the Scapegoat and his sister is the Golden Child. They dont have a relationship because thats how it ends when the scapegoat decides not to take any more crap from their family.
The scapegoat cant fix their family or mend the relationships. Its not possible for them to do that, ll they can do is walk away and make their own life.
Contact isn't healthy for the Scapegoat.

What UpstartCrow said exactly!

I'd be buggered if I'd be looking after my MIL in that situation. No way, that would be down to SIL.

As far as your brother and your mum are concerned, I think you wouldn't lose anything by being very, very firm and sharp with her and let her know exactly what's going on in her mind. If she then decides to go and live near your brother, so be it.

upstart that is really illuminating, thank you. Cant work out which of PIL is the narc then... and my dad certainly scapegoated my DB, but he's been dead 21 years now (dad not DB).

Perhaps favourites is a better word for DB and me; but SIL/DH there is def a golden child/golden grandchildren thing going on, but it's all coated with sugar and he would never walk away from his parents. His eyes have opened significantly over the last 10 years or so in relation to his sister/her childen.

Why would you assume care of ils?? Fuck that.

Let your dh choose their care home.

I wouldnt care for them personally.

Why would you assume care of ils?? Fuck that.
Let your dh choose their care home.

This ^...^...^..^

It's not your responsibility.

yolofish If you cant work out which PIL is the narc, the other one is doing a good job of running round after them. They tend to play 'happy families' and cover it up.
If they are full blown narcs then how you can expect it to play out is you'll do the caring and the sister will inherit. And if you refuse to do the caring that will be their excuse for cutting your DH out of the will.

Make your main responsibility caring for your DH. He could end up feeling hurt and angry at the way he is treated.

Why on earth would you take over caring for a couple who don't like your husband, you, or your children?

Let them pay for care.

End of.

If you don’t want to take care of them, you don’t have to. Just keep telling DH you won’t be looking after them so he better start making plans for their future care because it won’t be you.

upstart that is EXACTLY the scenario that is playing out in my head... and it will hurt DH enormously.

No I wont be doing their care but I will no doubt be facilitating it or doing hospital transports etc when the time comes. Because I will be guilt-tripped into it, from DH "but I earn the money to keep the roof over our heads" from SIL because "I cant get time off in term time". After caring for my own less than than grateful DM for xx years, it is a bitter prospect.

My top tip is to raise it with your dh now before it becomes an issue. You need to ask him what he and his sibling would do in the event his parents need care. Then you’ve got the chance to make it clear whilst it’s not a hot topic that you’re not a carer.

I’m kind of in the same situation as you op.

My DH is the scapegoat in his family, yet is expected to do the running round after PILS, whereas his golden child elder brother gets away with it.

I went NC with my parents due to the same thing: I was the scapegoat.
As@Upstartcrow rightly said, contact isn’t healthy for the scapegoat.

PILS are very wary of me now, I think they think I’ll take their scapegoat/chief whipping boy away from them, and upset their ‘likkle perfect family setup’. Interestingly, his golden child elder brother has taken against me too, because he knows exactly how the family dynamic works, that he’ll have to do the running if dh went NC.
It goes to show they know exactly what they are doing......

And no, you should not be looking after ILs. At all.
Why would you?

She won’t change, and I agree that you need to raise it with dh before it becomes an issue.
Does she think it’s expected of you to look after her, no matter how she feels about you?

I think you need to have conversation with your DH about the future care of his parents. But do it from the point from how you have struggled with your own parents care and that you have a much closer bind with them then you do with his parents.

And he needs to have a conversation with his sister about it, how you can not be expected to take on the care of his parents on top of your family and parents.

We've got the same situation with our ILs - the only difference is that DH sees them for exactly what they are and maintains a polite but distant relationship with them (his relationship with SIL is almost zero as a result of meddling and gross favouritism by the ILs and the fact that she has picked up their entitled PA ways too) and he has already brought up, several times, what he thinks will happen as they age.

The dynamic is very much that they fall over themselves for SIL and her children but we are (well were) expected to run around after them. We don't (they are still fit and able). Instead we have put up clear boundaries - #1 is don't ask us to do things that you are capable of doing or arranging yourselves. They used to do things like ask us to paint their kitchen for them (when they were still in their late fifties/early sixites) and in return they offered to have our DC for an hour to 'pay us back'. Simply because they didn't want to do it themselves or pay anyone.The fact that we were working 90 hours between us and they were retired was irrelevant.

Meanwhile they would make sure we knew that they looked after all of SILs children for three days straight and took them on great day trips.

Anyway, we've both learnt to say no and consistently maintain our boundaries (I was slower than DH with this). They didn't like this and there was kick back, followed by hoovering - now we barely see them. They make no effort at all with our DC beyond buying Christmas and birthday presents and now we have stopped facilitating the relationship for them and being manipulated there is little left.

When the time comes that they aren't capable of doing or arranging things themselves then we will help them but within limits. DH wouldn't let me take on their cleaning or play chauffeur after all the hurt they have caused. He will make sure they are well looked after (and I will help him - pop in to do the odd thing if he can't, DH and SIL can arrange cleaners/carers/shopping delivery etc) but we certainly won't be a martyr to it.

I agree - raise it with your DH. It really isn't something that you should be even thinking of taking on.

Strictly speaking, you don't HAVE to do caring for your own DM either, but it is often expected. And she will expect the non-favourite to throw themselves under the bus to do it, never the more important favourite.
If you do pitch in, it's the perfect excuse for not doing a thing for PILs, though, as you will have already done your share. Caring often (wrongly) falls to the daughter.
It's not a great situation to be in.
Got the T-shirt, here.

I am taking all of this on board, and I wont care for my PIL when the time comes. So many others in the same situation... But he is blinkered to the future; doesnt think it will happen to them. FIL is 87 (same age as my DM) but extremely fit. MIL is 79ish, but becoming increasingly immobile as struggles with walking etc. DH and SIL barely speak to each other - I would call it a polite relationship but not really a relationship at all, they never call each other for eg. Same with our DDs and the PIL and their cousins - nothing. Makes me sad really, but I do know that with all the stuff I do for my DM who lives 2 mins walk away nothing on god's earth will make me do the same for PIL who live an hour's drive away. Luckily they are rich... and can pay for taxis etc when FIL can no longer drive.

sorry, 'he' in 1st line is DH!