Help - I need some tips on how to deal with difficult people (like my mum)

[Vibe2018]

I'm getting really stressed out by my mum and I want to know how to stop letting her get to me!

She sends me a lot of long, emotional, self-pitying text messages trying to get me to contact certain people in my family more. She has rigid ideas of how I should behave and gets over-involved in my relationships with other people.

I used to reply to the messages but we'd end up arguing all the time. Then I tried ignoring the annoying messages but she just keeps sending them regardless of the lack of replies. I only reply to the ones that are not dripping in emotion.

I tried blocking her number for a while but I can only do this short term just in case there was an emergency or something.

I feel so tense when the messages keep flashing up on my phone. If i don't reply quickly enough to specific requeats I start getting messages saying not to bother replying and how I am upsetting everyone.

I asked her one day to stop sending those type of messages and she went very quiet and sounded so offended. The tone of the messages changed for about two days and then started getting increasingly emotional again.

She keeps pressuing me to contact my brother who isn't well. I was planning on calling to him tomorrow so as usual I get a long emotional text message off her tonight pleading with me to contact him tomorrow. Now I feel if I call him she will feel like her texts are having the correct effect and it will just make it worse. If I do call him she will start with a load of approving text messages - completely over the top, praising me for behaving well.

It just makes me want to scream but I wonder would this bother other people or am I overreacting.

You are not overreacting, she isnt treating you like an adult and it sounds wearing. I dont know what happened to make her feel she needs to plead with you all the time, maybe asking her would be a start.
Do you two ever talk about other things? Anything positive? Can you give her good news, or just chat about your day?

Yes. It would bother me. She sounds manipulative.

We are not at all close. She has always drunk too much in the evenings so she gets a bit argumentative and emotional. This led to lots of issues between us. I never, ever reply to texts sent late in the day because of this. I have had my phone on airplane mode this evening so I don't have to see her texts until tomorrow.

She is very insecure. For expample, she my in-laws on one level - as they are lovely people - but on another level she hates them for having anytime with me and my DCs. She only feels happy if she feels she is getting to spend time with us and the in-laws are missing out - it makes her feel superior. Its lots of things like that that make is not get on.

First thing you can’t change her, only your reaction, you need to set some boundaries these types of texts are unacceptable (which you need to talk to her about) and I let her know you will no longer respond to them.

I don't think you're over reacting . That sounds horrible. You should trust your own judgement.

Take your own time to respond to people . YOU are the most important person in your life. If you're not ok ... no one else will be.

Can you just text 'Thnaks mum, as a grown up I'll decide what I need to do and when'

No more - repeat

She's bullying and manipulating you. No wonder you find this all so distressing.

I think you need to tell her, just once, to stop

Sorry--posted too soon. Don't know what happened there.

As I was saying, tell her to stop sending you these messages; then just don't respond to them.

Or you could send her the same response every time: "I'll think about that. Thanks." Something non-committal and neutral.

I think she's doing it because she likes the spiral it puts you in. She likes all the attention it brings her, even if it's negative attention.

Stop giving her that attention and she might stop sending the messages.

I can't bear to bring it up with her as she ends up looking so highly offended and making me feel like I'm just such a horrible person. I might reply to her text to say 'stop sending these type of text messages, normal messages are fine to send'. But then I can expect a reply where she will sound all wounded and like a big victim of my horribleness.

My MIL would never send messages like these to her children. She doesn't get so involved in her children's lives. She is close to them but doesn't see it as her place to control them - she respects that they are adults. I want to be how MIL is when my own children grow up. I will do anything to help them but I will respect that they are independent adults who don't have to behave in a way that meets my approval.

My mum is especially annoyed that I am not very close to my brother. We are just different types of people and used to clash a bit when we were younger. This is a major issue for her. I fell out with my brother for a while and it probably would have blown over but my mum made it into a massive issue by getting over-involved. She was so emotional and upset -trying to force us to be close. She would drag him up in conversation whenever we spoke trying to make me feel sorry for him if he was having trouble at work or in his personal life or anything. She seemed to be angry at me if something went well for me and wasn't for my brother and if I wouldn't join in the wallowing in pity for him. Like when we managed to buy a house after a lot of saving she would look all sad all the time about my brother who hadn't yet bought. She would only be happy if I would be equally mournful -because, in her eyes, it would mean that I actually cared about him. I went through a very difficult time with a life threatening illness and a disabled child and I was depressed for a while but I didn't run around demanding pity from people. I like to help people going through a hard time but if someone is getting angry at you because they don't think you care enough it would drive you mad.

She is annoyed that I am close to my BILs and SILs. I get on well with them and they are on the same wave-length as me. I never tell her anything about my in-laws anymore as it is like a cloud goes across her face - she is thinking why should I dare to spend time with them when I am not best buddies with my own brother.

I see my parents once or twice a week. I am busy with my children a lot of the time. If I was close to my mum I would probably see them a few more times a week but because of her I try to limit our time together - or else we would end up fighting. So I am getting texts begging to let my father see my DCs - as if I am trying to prevent contact between them. More emotional texts begging me to call as my poor father likes my children. I feel once or twice a week is plenty (given the circumstances).

The drama and the tone of these texts is making me stressed and I feel like going for counselling or something. When I see her texts now I just feel angry amd start cursing. She brings put a horrible side in me.

I visit my mother once every 2 weeks and we get on

Cut that down

Call her once a week and visit once - edging slowly to twice

I think once or twice a week is far too much time to spend with anyone as toxic as your mother.

Do go for counselling: it might help you see her more clearly, and it could well help you cope with her harassment in ways which don't leave you angry or upset.

It's outrageous that she's making all these demands of you. And horribly manipulative. You'd be better off without her, I think.

She’s a PITA. Time you told her you’re an adult. If she is offended, tough shit!

Go to Al anon. You'll meet a lot of people in your position

Seeing them twice a week is loads. More than enough. She is being ridiculous and you shouldn't have to put up with it.
Block her number and tell her it's because of the emotional / manipulative texts. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about it.
If there is an emergency then she needs to find another way to contact you. Do you have a landline? Or contact someone else. It's her decision to bombard you with this shot, so she needs to see the consequences. We all managed in emergencies before texting was invented.

Block her number and tell her it's because of the emotional / manipulative texts. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about it.
If there is an emergency then she needs to find another way to contact you.

I told my parents not to phone me, and that if they ever needed to get hold of me they had to email instead.

They didn't like it, and they do still phone. But now I just hang up when they do it. They have another way to get in touch if they need it, and I don't have to put up with their nonsense.

I have a controlling mother too and a little over a year ago I broke away. In your case you will have to ignore her and be patient. She will pull back and soon the texts will be fewer but more positive because she does not want to lose you. You have to let go of the illusion that her feelings matter more than yours and for her to like you to some degree.

It is an illusion that are parents are always right, they are just as imperfect.