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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m a selfish husband

59 replies

Selfishhusband7118 · 25/01/2018 22:22

I have let down my wife numerous times now by only thinking of myself and it’s come to head that she wants nothing to do with me and a divorce. I truly love my wife but do not realise how selfish I am being towards her. She does a lot for me and I should be doing the same back. How can I win my wife back?

OP posts:
Vitalogy · 25/01/2018 23:31

If you really do love her, let her go and be happy elsewhere.

limitedperiodonly · 25/01/2018 23:57

Do you have children? She'll probably get the house

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 26/01/2018 03:43

Empty apologies are worse than nothing.

It's just another broken promise to improve and then nothing changes.

Can someone who's intrinsically selfish change?

WilyMinx · 26/01/2018 05:44

I think you need to make your changes first and let her see/feel it. No point promising her the world just to get her back and then not following through. Good luck.

Onecutefox · 26/01/2018 07:01

You need to tell us more OP as otherwise it's difficult to advise. Maybe she has a lover and now blames you for all sort of things. We cannot just tell who is right and who is wrong based on your first posts. Not enough information.

Lalimerente · 26/01/2018 07:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MrsDilber · 26/01/2018 07:40

Can't reply to such little info. How have you been selfish? P

LizzieSiddal · 26/01/2018 07:45

I expect you’ve had enough warnings from her.
Maybe you should have listened?

Cat2014 · 26/01/2018 07:47

What have you done?

hellsbellsmelons · 26/01/2018 10:18

Well without more info we can't really help.
But if she's had enough then there's not much you can do about it.
The resentment has probably built and built and now she has lost all love and respect for you. That is very hard to get back.
Maybe suggest a trial separation to see how you both get on without each other.
Offer her space and see what she says to that.
Is she a SAHM?
If so then she's probably done all the 'wifework' on her own.
Rearing kids on her own.
Taken on the whole mental load of the household.
It's frustrating and exhausting.
She probably thinks she will have a lot less to do without you there.

SandyY2K · 26/01/2018 11:34

Do you have children? If so are you ìnvolved with them? Some dads leave pretty much all the care to the mum.

Do you pull your weight around the house?

It may be that this final incident is the store that broke the camel's back. If she feels unappreciated and she can't identify any positives in your marriage ..then there's little incentive to keep going.

If you've lost emotional connection....if your physical relationship isn't great...if you don't have a lot of fun together.... why us she going to stay in the marriage?

If you were her.... would you be happy in the marriage?

It helps to put yourself in the shoes of the other person in situations like this.

You need to be honest with your wife ... you need to be vulnerable to her... address (through therapy) why you behave like this.

You arent guaranteed a second chance if she's reached the end of the road ... but enough words avd apologies have been given.. now is the time for action.

Even if she doesn't change her mind...you'll be a better partner for someone else. Selfishness isn't an attractive quality in anyone.

fleetingthinker · 26/01/2018 12:09

I suspect you want to 'win her back' to reinstate the status quo. She knows this so has called time on your relationship.

Jammydodger81 · 26/01/2018 13:30

Glad that post has been deleted.

OP, without more info on what you’ve done it’s hard to advise but so many have already said the best course of action: let her go and work on yourself, focus on how you can change.

NeilPetark · 26/01/2018 13:41

It’s not about what you say, it’s about what you do.

llangennith · 26/01/2018 17:13

She hasn’t come to that decision overnight. All the women I know who got divorced thought about it for a few months or even years before making the final decision so I doubt she’ll change her mind. Sorry if that isn’t the answer you want to hear OP.
You can still change the way you behave to keep things amicable during and after the divorce and maybe you’ll be a better partner in the any future relationship.

StormTreader · 26/01/2018 17:31

Selfish is not my default mode at all. I work very hard to provide for my family and we never go short. I have given up a lot of things so that we are comfortable.

It sounds like you are saying "I work fulltime and bring in all the money, thats my half, her half is everything that isnt that. I already feel like I've sacrificed enough by not always being able to spend all my weekends in the pub with my friends." Is that what you really believe in your heart? Because if it is then you may as well wave her goodbye.

Agerbilatemycardigan · 26/01/2018 17:39

When I divorced my ex, it had taken years of neglect and abuse for me to get to that point. He kept saying that he'd change and reeled me in with false promises.

He fixated on one thing that he'd done, when in reality, it was a culmination of things over the course of 18 years that led to my decision to leave. It made it easier for him to believe that it came down to just one incident, as then he could convince himself that I was being ridiculous and petty.

We can't give you a one size fits all solution OP.

If you want her to stay with you just for your own convenience, then you're giving a stirling example of why she wants to leave in the first place.

eddielizzard · 26/01/2018 17:53

people don't initiate divorce lightly. it's never for a few weeks of poor behaviour. it's years of selfishness and inconsideration. so you've apologised. oh very good. if you had listened to her for the last few years i bet you'd know exactly what you could do to make it right. but you probably didn't listen, and now you don't know.

GeorgeTheHamster · 26/01/2018 17:56

Ooh it's almost as if you've thrown a question out and run away.

0ccamsRazor · 26/01/2018 18:05

So you have been a selfish husband.

Now you have a chance to be an unselfish ex husband.

So don't fuck her or your children over with child maintainance. Don't be selfish.

Don't fuck your children over by not having regular contact with them. Don't be selfish.

Don't fuck all over her boundaries. Don't be selfish.

Don't be manipulative towards her and your dc. Don't be selfish.

Don't be a controling and awful ex. Don't be selfish.

Do be supportive of her as a single mum. Don't be selfish.

Do be supportive with regards to your children. Don't be selfish.

Do your best to be a better person Star

CremeFresh · 26/01/2018 18:55

I don't think the op is coming back.

NeilPetark · 26/01/2018 20:11

No, what a surprise. 🙄

noodleaddict · 26/01/2018 20:18

OP won't come back. He wanted everyone to tell him how wonderful he was for trying to make an effort and for coming onto a 'mums' board to ask for advice. Instead he's had his arse handed to him on a plate.

Mix56 · 26/01/2018 20:21

this "I love my wife" is crap, You don't "buy" love & respect by going to work, you participate & share
If she want's a divorce its because you have been selfish & disinterested for too long.
You reap what you sow

SparklyMagpie · 26/01/2018 20:28

You're being selfish by not listening to her telling you she wants a divorce and you thinking you can "win" her back

Game over mate

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